Gonna pin this, I'm pretty sure a lot of authors would find this helpful.
Sex In Novels: Helpful Opinions
That's pretty amazing write up and helpful resources...
I beg to differ, so reading or watching or performing the act isn't necessarily going to make an author write a decent scene. Some may have done all that and still struggle, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to writing things like that
Shiny_Shirogane thank you very much for pointing those out
I corrected them
Grand_Void_Daoist thank you! I was hoping it would
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AriaKang I both agree and disagree with you. Itās true that some just canāt write sex scenes. Just like some can write them flawlessly, with little effort. Like all things: the more you research and experience, the better you can translate it to paper. I donāt necessarily mean doing the actual act, but simple exposure to the wide world of physical contact can be inspiring/motivating/etc..
Writing is just like anything else: the more you research and practice writing the scene, the better it will turn out. Personally, I usually re-read paragraph by paragraph, then the whole chapter to make sure it flows right. Editing is your second best friend(next to a thesaurus).
I personally think that if one works hard enough on their craft, anyone can make a wonderful story. It all depends on the effort you put into it. Again this is all personal opinion
SrtaA I totally agree with you on almost everything you said(your descriptions
). Everything except females not particularly liking heavy descriptions; I think that comes down to how the scene is portrayed. Most of my readers are female or non-specific, and I have Extremely descriptive scenes in my book(no ābaby elephantā type descriptions though). But the two main characters are heavily devoted to each other. I add passionate terms and/or endearments to accentuate their connection, and use sex as a kind of cement to the building blocks of their relationship.
For this thread I decided to focus more on the authorās ability to translate what kind of scene they were going for, rather than the actual content because everyone still needs to write/be inspired/research/etc.. their own way. Iām dyslexic on top of a lot of other issues, so I learn and identify things differently. I could never write how I do without the sources to properly word myself. And thatās most likely the reason behind those hilarious descriptions you mentioned. Personally I think most write like that because they didnāt know what type of scene to portray to begin with, so they go with only āpornographicā descriptions.
I left the link and mentioned the discord server to help authors figure out how find their own words/style/etc.. But the first thing they need to determine before anything is what type of scene theyāre going for. Knowing that will help them narrow down not only the type of research they need to do, but also what kinds of questions they should be asking themselves while researching.
Example: for a āLove Sceneā, romantic media is ideal. Even flipping open a thesaurus and looking at the words and their definitions related to the word āloveā or ādevotedā can give authors a head start on their wordage and scene layout.
For a āSmut Sceneā, which to me is a sex scene with either minimal emotional connection, or.. darker emotions involved; porn is good research. Cold and calculating characters tend to be more involved in these types of scenes(like the main villain, the main character before his love Epiphany, etc..). The actors in porn donāt normally have an emotional connection to the other(unless itās a romantic erotica), so their movements wouldāve akin to an emotionless coupling. So long as the author remembers to incorporate the connection, or lack there of, into the scene(maybe the sex leads to a budding connection? Maybe it confirms their characters lack of feelings for the other? Etc..).
Sorry for the rant
Just wanted to elaborate a bit more, but I loved your comments and thoughts
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Sara_Wilcox Was it a rant? No problem, polite disagreement is the patron of useful discussions. 
I mentioned 'Gals don't like it' because it's a statistical thing. Of course, there are exceptions. Like everything else in life. So I think my post wasn't invalidated by your personal experience or style. It's not only me saying it, the behavioral scientists said it before me. We all have our idiosyncrasies, but I was talking about the majority.
The kind of people who will find your thread useful are exactly the ones who are ruining their sex scenes because they don't know how to dose or to describe what they see in their mind. Or they don't even see it in their mind, which is a BIG problem. The ones perfectly okay with how they are writing their sex scenes will just shrug (or laugh), so any advice here is not for people who know exactly what they are doing...
As you said, there are basic problems (as I remember, not exactly your words):
- not conveying the intended mood because The author is using the wrong/weak words.
- repeating words or phrases thus making it boring as hell
- turning the sex act into something mechanical (I call it 'the pistoning effect') and lacking emotion
- doing it all wrong because you don't know how it really is, didn't do your homework, went against physics/anatomy/common sense (like, male-male sex, it's a whole different thing and some inexperienced BL authors do forget it needs lube to be enjoyable...).
There are more, but you gave excellent tips for every of them.
But, at least to me, the most important thing is what you said more than one time in your comments: sometimes they don't know what they wish. They don't feel the scene. They turn one thing into another.
So I reason this way: Hm, so you don't know what you want with this sex scene, but you want to insert one all the same? WHY?! HELL, WHY?! (note that it is a rant 
)
If it doesn't occur to you as a consequence of something, sprouting naturally, in a way you can imagine the whys and the hows, why do you need to insert a sex scene?
And that's the problem in many (not all, but many) Webnovel romances. Too many crap sex scenes because authors feel they need to push a sex scene when they don't really need one in the first place. Just to earn traction. MATURE CONTENT - The magic words on the top of the synopsis (by the way, something frowned upon by WN editors).
By the way, I've read the source you mentioned long ago and used to have it pinned in my favorites bar. It's a good source with lots of useful tips and words. 
I don't remember any other so good.
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SrtaA I totally agree with you Your post wasnāt invalid at all. Your points were spot on. I love how you broke down and simplified the main points, and backed it with data too I also love exchanges of the mind like this, and appreciate your opinion and feedback. I just meant that heavily described sex scenes can be appealing to women as long as the emotional investment is established and/or expressed during the scene.
I really loved your comment about how the mature content warning should NOT being at the top of the synopsis also. Too many books do it, in my opinion. Even some of the top ranked books(I donāt get why the editors donāt say something to the authors about it, if they want all the other authors not to do the same). Thank you for the stimulating conversation
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Sara_Wilcox the editors said it more than once, but since there's no type of punishment, people just disregard it.
Wolfick 12 inches long! so specific :joy:
Sara_Wilcox Loved reading this. Made me think over the scenes I done. I think I done okay on them. I was also very embarrassed when i found out my god mother was reading it!! :joy:
Kelly_Starrz I can totally relate
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About the 8x12 inches thing... I guess it's just because the world, but for 3 countries, uses the metric system and some people don't know inches and centimeters aren't equivalents...
Anyway, 8 cm thick hmm
Are we talking about the diameter or the circumference...? If diameter, it's...
LOL, I'm so curious now.
SrtaA :joy: I mean obvs lush! But unless it was wrote in a certain way, I wouldn't really want to read the specifics !!
As a woman in her late 40's, I have to admit that I like a good sex scene. With that being said, I don't like one that has no emotion or is completely wrong. I don't care about the dimensions. I actually prefer basic descriptors and let me use my own imagination. Anything that gives me exact size is an automatic turn off and instantly irritated.
Another big turn off are some of the words used. Whenever someone talks about drilling in a sex scene, my mind goes straight to my husband's contractor tools and I'm pulled out of the scene.
Even with little physical descriptions, I have read sex scenes that I've enjoyed. The author chose the words just right that the scene is picture was painted in my mind without having to know how veiny anything was or exactly how long it is.
Some example of words that I hate and ruin the scene for me are drill, ram, and jackhammer. I think you get my point. They are too harsh for me. None it is a violent scene of some sort, then I can still hate the words, but they are probably more appropriate.
Those are just some of my thoughts and opinions on the topic.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The most important question: who said that a good romance story needs to include sex scenes?
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Jo_J it doesnāt necessarily, but physical intimacy is one of the most universal ways to express emotion. Itās in everything, from all forms of art, to every culture(both ancient and modern). And I say āexpress emotionā because love is not the only emotion that can come into play. Sex can be anything from a basic emotional outlet, to a way to connect on a higher, spiritual level with another person(depending on the bond, cultural and religious beliefs, etc.. ).
The point of this thread is to help authors that struggle to write such scenes. The considerations for writing content of sexual nature are vast, and not easily worded. Some writers are just flat-out embarrassed to create such scenes, and this thread also lets them know that they are not alone in their struggles. Sex isnāt a necessity for a romance novel, but for many stories, it is. The general natural progression of a relationship usually leads to sex. We are biologically programmed for it, and it is an everyday part of life(not physically having it everyday, but we hear/see/etc.. about it every day). So if an author wants to write about it, but doesnāt know where to begin, or how to go about it; this thread is here to help(at least that was my hope/intention behind making it).
Sorry for the rant
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DarkGamerZZZZ We're talking about high quality sex scene in proper romance here, not some random crappy sex scene in hentai/porn kind of story like what you had written.
I'm a woman who hates graphic, pornographic sexual descriptions! In my opinion, sexual scenes can be written with dignity and purity. However, smut scenes, graphic rape, etc., are a total turn off for me. I'd prefer no sex to those. Sex, to my way if thinking, is a very private act between a man and woman who love each other. It isn't done to release pressure, to gain money or to manipulate. It is solely for the marriage bed.
In today's society, sex has become so common that we are desensitized to what true love encompasses. Sensual scenes can be cuddling, kissing, hugging. Scenes that graphically describe a man/woman touching each other intimately can sometimes feel as if the reader has been molested! Good clean sexual scenes can be written, but perception of the writer has to be clean as well. Being embarrassed about a sex scene shows that it's obviously not the right one to write. If you can write about love, real love, then a sex scene shouldn't be that difficult. Just saying how I feel not speaking for others.