Dedz_ Yeah, I can see that you do have a purpose for everything that you put, but the story jumps from one thing to the next, and there doesn't feel like much of a logical progression. I feel that the over-description might the main reason, but try to focus on telling things from the main character's perspective. You don't want to shift from multiple perspective too much.
For example, I don't think it's necessary to include too many of the dragon's thoughts. Same thing with La in the beginning. You're writing in third-person omniscient, but keep in mind that if you hop between too many characters' heads, things start to get convoluted. Make sure that you only describe the most crucial of character thoughts. I forgot to point out this thing in my initial critique.
If you want to keep the dream inside the story, then that's fine. Personally, I don't have too many qualms about dreams in stories as long as they provide some value, and as long as they aren't too long.
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@half_blinde There isn't much to the story, so I'll give a critique on what you got so far.
1. Mystic Eyes of Exposition
As much as I hate exposition, it's a necessary evil if you want the reader to understand the story. The trick is to balance the deadly line between not-enough-information and too-much-information at a single time.
You put a brief explanation of Occulos as an auxiliary chapter but don't rely on that as your sole way of communicating the magic system. Always assume that people haven't read that chapter.
Also, the auxiliary chapter doesn't answer everything about the magic system. What can people do with magic? What can people not do? Are there any limitations? Does magic affect the economy? Does it affect the jobs that people have? Since it's an auxiliary chapter, it's fine to go ham with an entire wall of exposition, but make sure that you still convey everything within the story itself.
Even though the story is only two chapters thus far, but you should have given at least a little idea of what magic can do. You also didn't explain what "aer" is. I can infer, but when it comes to magic systems, the reader's enjoyment is directly proportional to how much they understand the magic (loosely paraphrasing Brandon Sanderson).
The opening scene of Lilith dying could be much more impactful if the Magenta-eyed guy used some crazy magic. Spectacular fight scenes are one of the bests ways to open a novel.
2. Greeeeeeease
I'm sure have a good reason for making the title Grease, but I immediately thought about that one '70s movie with John Travolta when I saw your novel. If possible, try to avoid naming conflicts. This is mainly a minor thing to avoid confusion.
Also, your novel is labeled as a fantasy romance...? So is it like Beauty and Beast, but Beauty and the Cyan Cat? I thought your novel was a revenge thriller.
3. Reincarnated as a __________
We've got Reincarnated as a Slime, Reincarnated as a Spider, and Reincarnated as a War General Loli. Now, we've got Reincarnated as a...Cyan Cat...?
Reincarnation has become so saturated that most novels will have to have some sort of twist if they want to make sales. In your case, that twist is being reincarnated as a cyan cat. But why? You might have a good reason that you'll reveal later in the plot, but as of now, I'm left thinking that the concept is pretty dumb (no offense).
I don't want to bash on the concept too hard because I don't want you to rewrite your whole novel if you can avoid it. But, it's still in its early stages, so fixing up some stuff shouldn't be too much of an issue.
Also, this is a personal nitpick of mine, but I hate it when reincarnation happens for no reason. This doesn't always mean the story is bad per se. For instance, I really enjoyed "Mushoku Tensei." Still, I'm having trouble figuring out how you'll make a cohesive revenge thriller from the perspective of a cat. You can always prove me wrong, of course, and blow me away with an amazing plot, but it would make more sense if the reader knew why Lilith is now a cat.
3. Two-sentence Synopsis
Your synopsis is too short. You've successfully established the main character and the main conflict, but not the setting. Try to give some more background information. I put a link at the bottom for help if you want.
4. Empty Room Syndrome
When you don't give enough information on the setting of a scene, the reader will end up imagining an empty room. That's what I "Empty Room Syndrome." In your case, it's more of an "Empty Worldbuilding Syndrome." I have no idea about the world's technology, society, architecture, and all that stuff.
Of course, you only have two chapters, but at least describe what time period this is. If you don't establish the time period, some people might imagine it as a classic fantasy world, while others will view it as a modern-day society. As of now, I can't tell which what your novel is, but the main character mentioned a "hidden-camera prank," so I assume the technology is modern.
Epyonnn Thank you so much for this critique. A lot of my issues really stem from wanting to uncover the world, but in good pacing and less info-dumping, so exposition is a bit tough for me. The title, the reincarnation, the magic system are all explained in due time, but as you can see, I'm not great with clocks, haha...
I also appreciate the reference material, and I'll improve the synopsis and worldbuilding. Again, thank you for the advice!
Hi beautiful people! I would love an honest review on my novel to see where I can improve and any way I can elevate my story. Thank you for even considering to review my story! Here are the details:
Devil Child
Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Autistic and alone, Noe begins a new life at a mysterious school. Trapped in a sea of faceless people, prejudice, and pain, he has no choice but to learn to coincide with evil. In the small town of Westville, at a school erected within the heart of chaos, the incredible power that Noe possesses is awakened.
Hi folks, how you doing. It's going to be interesting to know how can I improve this book as well. I truly hope you'll give me an honest review. https://www.webnovel.com/book/future-world-orders_20191126305771305
Synopsis:
Seth, a teenager, gets caught in an invasion incident in his hometown. Losing his family and his home, he has nowhere to return nor a way to survive. Unfortunately, he gets caught in a massive explosion and getting pinched in a ruined building which trapped him alive. An army unit passes by and saved him right before he meets his maker. Later on, he gets used by a scientist as his experiment subject illegally. After those scientists rewrite his memory, he decides to join the military and serves where he lives without knowing the truth.
Hi, guys. I literally started just a couple of hours ago with my first 2 chapters and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. It's only 2 chapters as I've sent this but I would like an honest review of the writing I've done so far since not much of the story has been fleshed out yet and I'm still trying to introduce the characters. Thank you!
Title: Transmigrated Mind
Genre: Fantasy (Magic and whatnot)
Synopsis:
Here I am again, stuck in the darkness of my own room. Surrounded by thoughts that has been plaguing my mind since the day I've decided to drop out of college. Yes, that's me. John Colton. A 28 year old college dropout now leeching off his parents, refusing to make a living on his own. But no, this isn't a story about how useless of a son I am. No... This is the story of the time where I got lost in my mind and got transported to another world. A world where magic and mythical beings exist.
Praefactuss
Well first of all why is your synopsis the same as your first paragraph? They should not be the same. Second of all, your paragraph is far far too big and chunky. You should make new paragraphs every time someone new is talking for instance. As it is now, your whole story looks extremely confusing and hard to read. Also, don't use * to symbolise thought. It looks extremely weird. You can try using ' for thought and " for speech if necessary. B
@SEP1A I've read up to chapter 9. Here are my thoughts:
1. Footnotes
Don't completely rely on footnotes to give exposition. Always assume that readers skip over it.
For something as important as Veren, you should give some information about why Noe named it that and what it is within the chapter itself. If you leave the definition at the bottom, the reader will be confused until they reach the end of the chapter.
Same thing with Gremlin, but you really only need a small sentence to describe that.
For stuff like autism and nehruma, it's fine because most people already know what autism is, and not knowing the meaning of nehruma doesn't really affect the story.
2. Roundabout Wording
For the most part, your prose is quite good, but there are some points where you tend to describe things in too much of a roundabout way.
For example, in chapter five, when you described the showers, I initially thought Noe and Eris were in a cave, and there was a waterfall. Try to be a little more literal, so the setting won't be too confusing to visualize.
3. Scene Breaks
There are a few places where the scene completely changes, having a different time and location.
Most notably, in the second chapter, "Warmth," you wrote, "'We'll be fine on our own,' she clutches Noe's burning hand."
After that, the scene shifts into Allery bullying Noe. Keep in mind that if you put extra spaces between paragraphs, webnovel will automatically delete those in the published chapter. Try using asterisks or dashes to indicate scene breaks and avoid confusion.
4. Abdormal
At first, I thought it a misspelling, but then I read the paragraph comments.
Make sure that you actually say in the story that there's a reason why Allery says that. For example, one of his buddies could point out the error, but Allery snaps at the other guy, saying that "abdormal" is the correct spelling or something like that.
You can't just write a spelling error and expect readers to infer that it reflects the speaker's character.
5. Blank Faces
I'm having a hard time differentiating Lancaster and Terry in my head. I can visualize Bodhi, Eris, and the other characters because they have defining features, but Lancaster and Terry blend into the same person in my mind.
Try to give them some defining characteristics that you mention every now and then, just like Bodhi's glasses.
6. Synopsis
It needs some work. Try to explain some of the magical aspects of your story and the main conflict.
The prelude sets the tone for a post-apocalyptic sci-fi story with a hint of thriller and military. But then, the story shifts into a fantasy school with magic, ghosts, and monsters.
An easy fix would be to mention the fantastical elements in your prelude, or you could cut it altogether since it wouldn't affect the story that much if you sprinkle in some exposition about the world.
Epyonnn Thank you so much for your in-depth review. You've given me extremely helpful points; I cherish them. I'll see what I can do about each and every one of the improvements you brought up. Once again, thank you for your time and effort!
SEP1A this is a little thing I forgot to mention, but past tense is the standard for almost all novels these days. Though, I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want to go through your entire novel to change every single verb.
Epyonnn I also considered tense when coming up with my story. By not making my story first person point of view, I believed making it present tense would restore a semblance of the intimacy I sacrificed. In your opinion, do you think this still holds true or would sticking to industry standard be more important? I only care about producing the best narrative possible for Noe’s life.
SEP1A I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, but it's just harder to write in the present tense, and some readers don't like it. Do what you think is best for the story, since the tense is up to the author to decide.
As for the intimacy part, I don't really feel any different than if it had been written in the first person or in the past tense. I don't know if that's just a me thing.
Since I don't have much knowledge on the effects of tense, try looking up the pros and the cons to see what suits your story best.
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