World_Wanderer
Hi there! I read the prologue till the second chapter. I honestly like the plot, but I'm no digital reader so, I have a hard time coming to terms with myself reading online. But your story all in all has an interesting plot. Keep it up. Here are some points I would like to share.
Distinct Features
In the prologue, I found it kinda confusing. Maybe because I wasn’t able to figure out who is who and what is what.
I think it would be great to be able to distinguish the army of the Space Lord between the Restoration empire. Although, you did give a description regarding the restoration empire which has griffons, but not really with the Trade Union. So, I was a bit lost who’s army is losing or advancing. Not until you literally mentioned that the Trade Union was losing.
I would also probably add descriptions of the Emperor. So, I could picture him out in my mind. There wasn’t really enough description to make an image out of him compared to Space Lord.
Space Lord Origins
It kinda does pique my interest why “Space Lord”? I’m not sure, this is my personal thought to it.. but I think it would be great to show a little bit more of a credential to his title. I mean, yes… all great and powerful mages would eventually get that specific title for them, but since it’s in prologue… you are creating his backstory, it would be nice to hint as to why he is feared and respected at the same time. Maybe point out his greatest achievement? Just a hint because I know that you will tell the story of how he became to be one. At least, in the first ropes, you will be able to get your audience’s grip on Theo’s journey on becoming the known Space Lord.
Dialogue
I think the dialogue can be improved. Sometimes, I had to read it twice before I can understand what the characters are trying to say (this is in the prologue - dialogue became a bit better in the following chapters). Maybe also try to enact how the conversation will flow before typing it. That’s how I do mine, so I get the picture of how the people involved in the conversation are acting. Add a bit more body language in between to give it more of a mood in the conversation.
I also notice that there will be lots of flashbacks. In the first chapter, I was kinda confused for a sec because it suddenly jumped into the past. Maybe add some signifiers? (sorry, I'm no expert in terms and definitely not an expert critic). But yeah, just be careful because it might cause confusion and then lead to disinterest.
Sentence Structure? (not sure what it’s really called for)
Learn to break long paragraphs into portions. Don’t chunk it all into one block. Honestly, I lose interest reading because it’s too long, so I just skim to the end of that block. I also notice that you use lots of commas instead of periods to break sentences. I think this must be improved.
World Building
Definitely a great start to world-building. I like how you were able to map out the setting of the story. But I think don’t be too general in the descriptions, because your world is a fantasy world, so the sky’s the limit for building the world. Add tiny bits of details to the surroundings and what the character sees, for more solid ground on world-building.
Grammar
Definitely not an expert, but I can see some that can be improved. Just proofread before publishing. I know it’s tiring but it definitely helps.
As I said, I'm no expert, so I hope you won't take it against me. :)
And Pain, Let It Exist!
