SevenZeros
Wow, the premise is interesting. I like it! But the writing could use some works (It's still rigid). Try to follow your favorite author style, and by time, own it as yours. Don't give up, fighting!

      Welp, time to sleep, see you guys tomorrow!! hehe

        JA_Chrysant Thank you for the review and honest comment, I'll take note of everything. And I hope you didn't mind my comments and reviews to yours. It's my own opinion and I didn't mean to offend you in any ways. So, it's up to you if you'll listen to it. Maybe, I might be wrong. Anyway, thank you again.

            JA_Chrysant Hey there, thank you for your review and insights on my novel. As a new writer, they always help me to see what kind of improvement I can make to the story. I know you aspire to be an editor, and that is really great, but in your journey, you must be clear about what kind of type of editor you want to be. When reviewing others' works, you need to take into count what is the style of writing and the style the author has. Also, you mentioned "show, don't tell," again, it's important to remember that "show, don't tell" is a guideline, not a hard-and-fast rule. There are times when telling can be more efficient or effective, especially, for example, in my prologue, where you may need to convey a lot of information quickly to set the stage for the rest of the story. There is always room for improvement, even for the most talented authors, but overall, it's also essential to preserve the voice of the author. Also, mostly the inciting incident that sets the story mostly happens around 20%, so you can't expect to know everything that is going to happen and understand just by reading the first three chapters of a novel that possibly can have 100+ chapters and more than 100,000 words. I hope this helps you with future reviews and helps other new writers, and does not discourage them in your journey to becoming an Editor.

                Jokerbud
                I finished reading the story. The story is fun and the system is well-made. How you describe the girls is quite... fascinating. But I think the main character is a bit too perverted. Maybe you could consider toning down his perverted nature?

                    wilde0985
                    I finished reading it, though I paused at chapter 5 haha. I can't believe it, I enjoyed reading BL as it stimulated my brain! It's good and got the potential to be better. However, I noticed you tend to simplify a dramatic scene into a narrative. Please don't as it toned down the heartbreaking scene.

                        Bloom07
                        I finished reading it. It's good and the fight is satisfying too. But as prologue, it feels unfinished. Maybe you could continue the prologue until the point where the MC story starts?

                            Immanuel_J
                            Yes, I finished reading the first three chapters. Honestly, the story is good (though the character is too OP haha), but the problem rise from the structure of your writing. It's hard to read when you clump dialogue into a paragraph, so I stopped at chapter three. Perhaps you could consider to separate the dialogue into one sentence?

                                Sleepyglasses
                                I finished reading the first two chapters. Sorry, I can't really continue to read because the structure and the constant change of POV make it hard to read. Well, the good thing is the character has the potential to be likable (Tia). Perhaps you could tone down her sarcastic mind a bit and she would be a believable character. Oh yeah, and Marie is too evil.

                                    Choka
                                    Ah, thank you to let me review your story. I find the fighting scene quite enjoyable and satisfying. It might be presumptuous of me to say (as I wasn't a contracted writer yet) that the Achilles' heel of your story is the characters. The narrative about them is so good, but when they talk, it felt bland as if they don't put any emotion in it. For example, Lilith's dialogue makes her betrayal didn't pack a good punch to me. Keep up the good work, Choka!

                                        from_another_world
                                        Ah, I finished reading the first two chapters. The prologue honestly is so good, but you cut its potential by rushing it's ending (You could make his death more dramatic, you know like he reminiscing about her wife before crossing the fateful street and meeting Truck-kun or else). But chapter two... let's just say, it's really hard to read that I stopped. First, it's not a direct continuation from the prologue, second at the prologue you used "I" pov, but then it got messy on chapter two that I don't know who's story is this. I really want to read the continuation of your story, so please, ganbatte kudasai nee!

                                            Junni_MC
                                            Wait, I just finished reading your first chapter and you already revise it eh? Hmm, I try reading it more tomorrow hehe.

                                                Little_North_Star
                                                I'm sorry, I could only read the first chapter. Honestly, the premise is good. What is it like to live with a terrifying yet handsome husband? But I find it hard to understand how Abi act. Is she scared or not? Why is she scared? Etc. Perhaps I misunderstood Abi because of the structure and grammar.

                                                    JA_Chrysant
                                                    Thanks for your efforts
                                                    Well, It's understandable. I think you haven't read many transmigration novels. I will work on this chapter to show 'How he transmigrated in another body'
                                                    Sorry for the inconvenience

                                                      JA_Chrysant That is understandable, but keep in mind that she's still afraid of Abaddon, after all, there are a lot of different factors when it came to conversations and one of them is age and strength. Lilith and Abaddon are both old monsters who lived for so long, so her manner of speak isn't that full of emotion, plus she is fearful like I said. But obviously I'll try to work on the character dialogues way more to improve it. Your review is honestly helpful, but you can you tell me if the story makes you read more than that, or is it boring?

                                                          Choka
                                                          Oh, I actually went past 5 chapters. Besides the character, everything else is fun!

                                                              [Congratulations, Terranian survivor #99598, for activating the Universe Assistance System!]

                                                              Althea, along with the remaining 1% of the population of their home planet, stared at the holographic screen in front of them in confusion.

                                                              Their galaxy was apparently ending, and suddenly announcements from an alien system appeared in their heads, telling them they would be permanently transfered to another world.

                                                              The survivors were all very depressed. First they were forced to survive in a zombie apocalypse, and now they had to survive a new world altogether?

                                                              It just so happened that Althea was one of the few people who got the Lord Token, the ticket to controlling a territory---a supposed safe haven for her people.

                                                              Althea looked at her very large stomach and sighed at an unknown future.

                                                              Would she be able to build a good home for her children and fellowmen?

                                                              And... would she and her husband find each other again?

                                                              Tags: #Josei, #Apocalypse, #Infrastructure, #KingdomBuilding, #Romance, #Game Elements, #System #LitRPG

                                                              https://www.webnovel.com/book/altera-city-in-another-world_25926694405418805

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