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AuHNG I read the first five chapters + the prologue, and your writing style stuck out to me. It was rather unique but somewhat difficult to read as it was a bit rough around the edges.

I like how you described the characters + set the atmosphere through your writing, but some parts could’ve been further elaborated.

The change in POV was rather confusing at times, and the overall clarity of certain paragraphs/chapters was difficult to read. For example, you often shift from “you” and “he” with little to no explanation in-between, leaving the reader to pick up on some parts themselves.

The prologue chapters also felt somewhat bare, but I feel like your writing style got better as the story progressed. At the start, I couldn’t really connect with the characters, and some parts felt a tad bit generic. For example, the betrayal, the friend & girlfriend- it felt somewhat dry like it was being skipped over.

There were also a couple of grammatical and capitalization errors every couple paragraphs.

All in all, I love the idea of your novel, and how you're executing it (but, it’s a tad bit rough around the edges). Still, keep it up!

Now, here’s the link to my novel once again: https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/26147833805198705?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4318679159

eudine it seems generic because it’s satire. I put many tropes of the genre. Also I don’t have many grammatical mistakes… the ones that I do have are more stylistic, rather than accidental, such as using and or but in the beginning of a character, using sentence fragments for dramatic effect, etc.

I’m surprised you mostly chose to critique my writing since I did have actual writers on writer discords re-read my work, and they said my writing follows good conventions for American English. These elements: Zhen Ni -> held his hand if it was lucky, a best friend slightly weaker than he was, his mom telling him, that she loves story fry as she dies… (the chapter being called, the hobo gives me a disease ) is all really obvious satire. Now pov shifts, most of the pov shifts I have aren’t true pov Shifts, unless I have transitions in between. For example, when Li Ming asks why, and the answers receives are I, I, I, but that’s not a pov shift. It’s just a stylistic convention of writing dialogue without using quotes. Or the fact, that I introduce Li Ming as: HIs name is Boring, but we call him Li Ming (paraphrased).

eudine In your writing, one recurring aspect that stands out is the excessive use of vivid descriptors. While your work displays promise (and a good premise), certain sections would greatly benefit from toning down phrases like "cerise-red" and "cobalt-black." It is essential to consider that even though you possess a profound understanding of your novel, such elaborate descriptors can be overwhelming for readers to process in one sitting. Striking a balance between evocative language and simplicity would enhance the overall readability and engagement of your narrative. It’s okay to use cobalt-black/cerise-red, but it is perfectly fine to just use black or red, or write white, instead of ivory (although ivory in the following section does work better). Oh and I just realized, English isn’t your first language! Perhaps that’s why you have difficulty understanding/interpreting satire and differentiating tone in my writing. I also noticed that non-native speakers tend to focus English with a more “by-the-books” way of writing, which is good, but even we don’t do that. We have so many colloquial ways of writing and speaking: a lot of our grammar rules, at least in English exist to be broken (so long as the sentence makes sense). So, for example, we sometimes say, a couple dogs, even though grammatically correct would be: a couple of dogs. (Typing on phone causes me to have typos/weird autocorrects) Also native speakers tend to have more of a grasp on what words are conventionally used, as I do see you using words that can be a bit difficult to understand… for the casual reader. I spent a lot of time writing, which is why your writing reads “easy” to me, but other readers may not feel the same.

AuHNG Hi! I’ve read both of your replies, and I’m sure those factors you used would work great for an actual book or a comic, but it seemed rather messy when paired all together. The overall tone appeared to be comedic, but the usage of “your” for pov was what set me off in the first chapter. For the same thing you said about my writing being difficult to read but only working out since you write frequently- it’s my personal opinion- but as I’ve said before, it seemed more like something I’d see in an actual book or a comic book. Back to what you said about my elaborate descriptions and choice of words, I’ll take that into account for future chapters. But as for your comments about being a native and non-native speaker whatnot, I had read + typed that up at midnight so I do admit that I hadn’t noticed it was satire at first, my bad. As for my fancy usage of vocabulary and writing style, it is the same thing you are doing with your writing—voice. I felt that using a casual tone would be rather ill-fitting towards the setting, hence it may have appeared as you called it, “by-the-books.”

eudine

That is the only major pov switch in the novel so far. The usage of your… is a dream sequence, so it’s meant to be disjoint. You’ll see thrillers do this often. I didn’t use comic books as my inspiration, rather actual novels.

Edit: I got this amazing thriller writer to read my first chapter, and she loves it, but it is very unconventional so I totally understand why you think the way you do. Again, keep in mind, I don’t write like this the entire novel.

eudine

You can write fancy and good, but also keep in mind which words you’re using. My advice is to learn which words are more commonly used and which words are less commonly used so that it doesn’t hinder what you want to convey. It’s all about dynamics. If you have a difficult, descriptive sentence, switch it up.

Edit: also, I love how you reviewed my novel with a 2.8/5. Ouch. I’ll be nicer in my review tho.

Sh4do please continue writing. Here's how I would write the beginning of your novel tho: Subject: "Enrich Your Life NOW - The Secret of the Super Wealthy!"

Sender: successguaranteed@richesgalore .n/a (Auhng: I put n/a here in case the .com makes webnovel think I'm spamming emails here. Pretend its .com)

Dear Lucas,

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Subject: "No More Loneliness! Discover Your Perfect Match TODAY!"

Sender: destiny@lovescenario .n/a

Lucas,

Looking for that special someone to share your life with? Love is just a click away! Explore now and transform your lonely nights into romantic dates.

Subject: "Unleash the Fighter Within You! Master Street Survival Techniques!"

Sender: fightclub@streetsurvivor .n/a

Hello, Lucas!

Tired of feeling threatened? Fight back! Enroll in our exclusive Street Survival program and unlock your true potential. Click here to know more.

Just as he was about to log out, a notification chimed in from his social media app.

Notification: "@SarahBright added a new photo to their story!"

Sarah, his old friend, had posted a picture of her dog nestled between her and her husband on the couch, a happy family portrait. It stirred a longing within him.

Liked by @JakeStrong and 150 others.

Lucas added his own like, scrolling past a wave of envy.

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(insert your beginning/add more posts/maybe change it up to your style). This would be a more engaging hook.

Miss_Black05 I would say your beginning authors note can be a bit more concise and you should explain why you're writing the novel a bit. Instead of saying no criticism (as that'll open you to criticism), just say: dial down the harsh criticism, I know, I know, it's part of the process (As not all criticism is necessarily negative).

Also... your writing has some flow issues. 4th paragraph, no one messes me and has a happily ever after... should be a stand alone sentence. First sentence in novel could be separated into 2 sentences, or add... "a since I was swayed by the..." In the second paragraph, u can put consequences be damned as its own sentence, as both sentences in that paragraph have multiple dependent clauses (which you do a bit often). And the second sentence could be clarified using paragraphs, otherwise it feels like a run on. Overall, these things won't hinder me from reading.

Next chapter, "Well, at least she's pretty."... weird thing to say to someone you just meet. Maybe I would write, "well... at least she's..." Grasping his lips... he stopped. He had almost said it out loud. Pretty. (The part where you say: Unable to deny the undeniable is... umm... funny to me, but like not in a super good way, it could be less cheesy if you made it like in parentheses, like: (Well duh... Of course. That's undeniable). This way, it sounds more like the characters are acknowledging it rather than the author/narrator, which helps with the tone")

AuHNG I have reviewed it.. on the novel webpage on webnovel.