Seshata Gah, This was what I was I was expecting all along!!! Haha, thanks for pointing out the errors and interests in my story, as expected of a proff. It wasn't much obvious when I wrote chapter 1 but as I'm writing chapter 50s now, there are many instances where I'm finding my vocabulary to be lacking :sweat_smile: for the scenes I'm picturing in my head which require me to surf the net after every para. haha, I'll concentrate on verbs for now. Thanks for your tips, sensei!!!

      Hmm. Seems you have a lot in the list. I'll skip my book for now. I'm enjoying the secondary feedback. Nice work. :grin:

        I'll just bring out the popcorn, take a seat in the sofa and enjoy the show.

        The feedback above points at an MFA rather than an MA (comp lit), so I'll quite greedily compare notes ;)

          RandomchaoS All righty! Sorry it took a hot minute to reply. I had unexpected adventures yesterday afternoon, and then my chap took longer to write last night than I'd planned. (Anyone else ever feel discouraged/peeved by how quickly you can read a chapter that took FOREVER to write?!)

          For starters, going to say, LOVE this title! It's catchy, intriguing, plays with a common joke, and makes me want to know more immediately.

          Synopsis is good, too. Straight to the point and tells us the stakes. I'd suggest adding your MC's name though. It will make the second sentence less awkward.

          Beginning:
          First full sentence is a run-on. That might put some readers off or make them worried about your writing style and command of syntax/grammar. Simple fix, just split it into two sentences. The rest of the para is great, though! Strong imagery, intriguing juxtapositions, raises a mystery. I do question that her hair is "falling in soft curls down her back" after 50,000 years, but, you know. MAGIC. :)

          "stepped on a piece of wood" -- stepping on wood and piercing a sliver of wood half an inch into your foot are two very different things. I might spice up that description to show us how much it hurt (the OWWW and then that description don't match)

          Great start in the middle of the action! You use her ranting dialogue to give a clear picture of her life before this, without giving us paragraphs of exposition of backstory. Well done.

          In general, you could vary your sentence and paragraph structure a tad. Your sentences tend to run long, especially when you're using descriptive language. The final three long paragraphs, for ex, have very long sentences that are actually run-ons, plus other long sentences that, while grammatically correct, are so long they become slightly awkward/difficult to follow smoothly.

          Long, complex sentences are great, don't get me wrong! But mix in shorter, punchier sentences as well so the sentences flows better. Also, those short sentences will draw the attention of the reader, so you can use them to trick the reader into focusing on details that matter most. Or you can use them for the details you know are going to make us go "Whaaaa?"

          In the same vein, I suggest trying to break up your paragraphs more. Especially with a platform like webnovel, where so many people are reading via the app on their mobile devices, those long paragraphs don't leave any of what we call "white space" on the page. All readers, but especially younger readers and readers of genre fiction, feel comforted by the "white space" on a page that lets the eyes rest for a second. If you open a page and it's all block text (black squares), it can be daunting and will actually make you read slower. It's this weird but interesting psychological phenomenon.

          Anyway, simplest way to fix this, try to separate "dialogue" and 'thought' lines when they aren't specifically related to the rest of the para.
          e.g.
          'All right, now the kitchen.'

          Gritting her teeth, she hobbled across the living room. She tried to ignore her foot, but ...
          (With this split, you're signaling to the reader "okay, now we're moving on to the next place" with that short one-line para, and then you actually move us there (while providing interesting deets--good job there!) in the next, longer para.)
          Then the sentence "After finding nothing in the kitchen..." should also be its own para, since it's signalling the end of the kitchen exploration.

          Another way to split para is to choose a single detail that stands out/sets the scene. You actually do this instinctively, but you're losing some of the "punch" of those details bc they get bogged down with the rest of the long para.

          e.g. (rewrite of "it had been graduation" para)

          It had been her graduation day.

          Her brother had driven her. She could still remember the thick disappointment of learning her parents wouldn't be there, but she'd hidden it between a smile so her brother wouldn't feel like he wasn't enough.

          But then they'd come.

          Her parents surprised her with a last-minute appearance, barely making it through the doors as she was called up to collect her diploma. The picture came soon after: her mother's gentle smile, her father and brother grinning like mad men, and in the center, [MC's name?], her wide grin--more like her father's than her mother's--revealing just how happy she'd been to have them together with her.

          'That was a day.' She smiled before gently taking the picture and leaving the room.

          See how these small breaks help increase the dramatic tension/emotional drama of the short scene? You start with "It had been graduation day" as its own sentence, telling the reader we're being transported to a memory. Then you let the memory flow, but you break it up by emotion (first sadness, then surprise and joy). And then the 'That was a day.' line is separate, bc it signals we're back to the present and moving on from the memory.

          Anyway, fabulous story opener, overall! It pulls the reader right into the thick of things and raises the perfect number of questions to make the reader feel like they need to keep going. Your MC is decently characterized (though we'd like her name?) and you do a great job of subtly showing her personality through dialogue and a picture, rather than by telling us.

          Great job, hope this helps!

              StenDuring Haha how do you know it's not both? ;)

              Given that you can spot the diff so quickly, is it safe to say "Howdy" to a fellow grad school survivor?

                  Overlord_Venus If it makes you feel better, I use the Thesaurus function on Word and copious amounts of Googling for EVERY chapter I write, whether it's my traditional novels or my webnovel. My search history is weird AF. I currently have a "define __" google tab, a "___ synonym" tab, "d" verbs list, rhymezone open to "words that rhyme with methamphetamine," and google image results of a cocker spaniel on one tab, a jagged rusty halberd on the other.

                  So. You know. It's all part of the process. :)

                      Veronica8 I'll probably be going through 2-3 chaps a day for a while, so you're welcome to add your book to the list if you don't mind waiting for feedback. Or you can pick up tips from my feedback for others! Happy to have you hear, enjoying the show. :)

                        Lilliny

                        Link works great! First off-AHHH WHAT A PRETTY COVER! I know that has nothing to do with grammar feedback but AHH IT'S SO PRETTY.

                        FANTASTIC opening lines! They're short, pithy, and do that perfect job of not only telling us the setting and describing the MC's immediate environment, but they also characterize part of the MC's personality. And then BAM, STAKES! "It's this or death." Great! Solid opening!

                        Haha "infamous Empire of Peaches" is not a phrase I expected to see. Love that juxtaposition between something lovely and innocuous like peaches and a dude getting his head chopped off with an axe.

                        The interaction with the brother is really strong. Great dialogue, great pacing to add tension/drama, and great imagery that shows us how terrified and overwhelmed the brother is.

                        Tiny critique--unlike most authors that should be using a few more commas, you have commas in places they don't belong. Corrected: "Our castle was ransacked." "Family heirlooms were torn from our walls and swiped from our cases." "Same with our precious jewels and horses"

                        If you want to use commas stylistically, try this: "Our castle, ransacked. Family heirlooms were torn from our walls, swiped from our cases, all to be sold who-knows-where."

                        Also, watch out for commas creating run-on sentences. "we can't afford to slow down; it gets dangerous at night!"

                        You do a good job of switching tenses, but make sure when you switch back and forth, you make it abundantly clear whether we're in the past or the present. For example, when you switch back to the present with "He's such a good dog" it's little confusing. Instead, try, "As I pat his sweet head, resting on my lap in this infernal carriage, I whisper, "Good dog." I'm thrilled to have him with me, one small piece of familiarity in a world of strangeness, but I wish he were with my mother and brother. They're traveling north, now, banished past the outer edges of the Empire. Banished, but still alive. I just hope they remain that way. The winters there are harsh and unforgiving."

                        See how this is a little clearer and brings us back to the present? You generally want to avoid paragraphs that "time travel" (verb tense shift) mid-way, since that's confusing to the reader. And when you zoom forward out of a memory, you want to ground the reader in the present with solid details (like the dog in the lap in the carriage we've already heard about).

                        This is for EVERYONE: Please please never use "got" unless it's dialogue, and even then, only if you MUST.
                        The correct version of your sentence is "I hadn't gotten a good look at him"

                        As the story continues, you have a few more syntax (sentence structure) errors, usually comma-related. If you have two full thoughts (two independent clauses), use ; to combine them instead of commas. You don't need "had" so often either; most of the times you use "had" you could have simply used the past tense verb alone.

                        The details and backstory are wonderful, however, and do a splendid job with characterization and world-building. I love that the carriage driver has such a rich, complex history and his own character arc. Even the horse is an active character in this scene! That's great! The line "Red slowed to a trot, as if he wanted to hear his master's story, too" was particularly strong.

                        VERY STRONG CLOSE!

                        You expertly wrap up all the details we've learned so far, recap the important bits, close out the old world and introduce us to the new. Your story is intriguing, well-paced, well-introduced, and super fun! I can't wait to keep reading it, and I'm sure your readers felt the same! :)

                            Seshata thank you so much! I will put this into action when I edit my chapters in the coming week 😊 I really appreciate the feedback. ☺

                                Seshata

                                Yep. MA comp lit. Main diff is my area is to analyse and interpret what has already been written rather than to support someone who's currently writing. There's obviously a huge overlap, but I noticed how your critique comes with a forward motion which is writer centric. I tend to write reviews which are more reader centric.

                                    kazesenken Lovely opening to a short story! (but also could easily be an opener for a novel!)

                                    First major take-away is: You Are Smart. No, seriously, you have completely gained my trust as a reader that you are intelligent, know what you're talking about, and will provide me with a story well-thought out. Even without the auxiliary chapter, I can tell you're either actually a scientist or intimately familiar with scientific processes and higher education. As a nerd myself (and most of your most avid readers will likely fall into that category as well), I am greatly relieved and satisfied when a "nerdy' character is actually a nerd and actually intelligent. I've read too many "scientist" romance novels that have exactly zero science in them, and it makes me cry.

                                    My biggest piece of advice for your writing is to tighten it up. You have a habit of using more words than your story requires, especially prepositions and adverbs. Let's look at your first sentence:
                                    "One might be wondering why a girl like me was holding onto a set of mirrors, carefully positioning them so that I could get a good glance at the guy across the room."

                                    It's a funny opener and does what all good beginnings should do--it raises questions for your story to answer. But if it were a tad shorter, it would add to the pithiness of the humor. Ex:
                                    "One might be wondering why a girl like me was repositioning these lab mirrors to get a better view of the guy across the room."
                                    The "holding onto" is unnecessary because if you're positioning them, then clearly you're touching them or controlling them in some way. "repositioning" as a verb makes the "carefully" and "holding" part unnecessary because it shows us the MC is purposefully moving something already set one way so it will be serve another purpose. "so that I could get" becomes "to get" -- most of the time, if two things mean exactly the same thing, go with the shorter version.

                                    This is not me saying that shorter is always better, just that you should only add words when they specifically add to the story, esp when they add to characterization or setting. Adding "lab" to the mirrors, for ex, gave us a little more understanding of the setting but also what she means by "girl like me": science girl who works in a lab.

                                    Later, there's "After only a brief statement, I felt my heart tighten suddenly."
                                    First, try to avoid "I felt" or "it seemed like"; just skip to the real action. "My heart tightened."
                                    "after a brief moment" and "suddenly" are redundant. You only want to use adverbs like "suddenly" "instantly" etc sparingly, and only when there's no other way to tell an action is coming out of nowhere. Here, you don't actually need EITHER the first section or the suddenly, because we heard the same brief statement as the MC did, so we already know it was brief.
                                    Instead: "My heart tightened. The sound of intelligence drifted into my ears like a ballad." (cut being played; again, obvious).
                                    To be clear, YOU ARE HILARIOUS. The fact that she's freaking out and hearing intelligent thought like a ballad all because a guy was talking nerdy in her vicinity is comedy gold. I'm only offering suggestions to make what is already really good, really solid writing, just a bit better!

                                    In terms of adverbs, (and this is for everyone out there), take the time to think whether an adverb is necessary or just lazy/easy. For ex: "I hastily turned around" -- in this case, I'd call hastily the easy way out, and request you find a replacement verb strong enough to stand alone. "whirled around" or something. Furthermore, "turned around" is one of those descriptors like "look around" or "turned my head" that most writers don't need but overuse. If she "rushed away to her workbench" we can assume she turned that direction first before doing so. In fact, we'll only think otherwise if you specifically tell us she forgot to turn to look where she was going because she was still ga-ga over Hunky Scientist, and she crashes into a worktable or something.

                                    Also in that sentence you have the character "turn around after grabbing a random wrench"; you want your action to follow chronological order (unless your MC is crazy or an otherwise unreliable narrator). So you'd start with the grabbing the wrench (or maybe even start with the emotional reason behind grabbing the wrench "in a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping")
                                    So this original sentence: "Nearly forgetting what I was doing, I hastily turned around after grabbing a random wrench from the nearby table, in a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping."
                                    Becomes this: "Flustered, I've forgotten why I'd come over in the first place. In a makeshift attempt to hide my eavesdropping, I grab a random wrench from a nearby table and rush back to my workbench, face burning."

                                    All in all, this opening chap is highly enjoyable, super entertaining, and demonstrates a command of language and knowledge of the subject material. With a few light tweaks, mostly tightening up the language and replacing non-imagery-focused descriptors (like adverbs, prepositions, etc) with descriptions of imagery or characterization, your story will better highlight the parts that make it engaging and fun.

                                    :)

                                        StenDuring I thought as much. I actually don't have an MA, to be clear, just studied English Language and Lit undergrad, as well as comparative folklore, mythology, and world religions (which was pretty much just more comparative lit, haha). You're spot on about the diff bw my MFA critique style and MA Comp Lit analyses. Comp essays were fun most of the time, when the prof didn't require a specific thesis anyway, but I def find writer-centric analysis waaaay more enjoyable. Grammar nerd life. ;)
                                        I think it's funny so many people are surprised people with higher-ed degrees and jobs in academia would be on webnovel. Who spends more time online reading rando stories and binging tv than students? We've been students longer than anybody! lol

                                          That's a wrap for today, folks! Sensei will be back in tomorrow morning. Thank you for trusting me with your words. I'm loving all these stories, and nothing is more satisfying than hearing that people are getting something out of my feedback. You've all made me a happy teacher. :)

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