RandomchaoS All righty! Sorry it took a hot minute to reply. I had unexpected adventures yesterday afternoon, and then my chap took longer to write last night than I'd planned. (Anyone else ever feel discouraged/peeved by how quickly you can read a chapter that took FOREVER to write?!)
For starters, going to say, LOVE this title! It's catchy, intriguing, plays with a common joke, and makes me want to know more immediately.
Synopsis is good, too. Straight to the point and tells us the stakes. I'd suggest adding your MC's name though. It will make the second sentence less awkward.
Beginning:
First full sentence is a run-on. That might put some readers off or make them worried about your writing style and command of syntax/grammar. Simple fix, just split it into two sentences. The rest of the para is great, though! Strong imagery, intriguing juxtapositions, raises a mystery. I do question that her hair is "falling in soft curls down her back" after 50,000 years, but, you know. MAGIC. :)
"stepped on a piece of wood" -- stepping on wood and piercing a sliver of wood half an inch into your foot are two very different things. I might spice up that description to show us how much it hurt (the OWWW and then that description don't match)
Great start in the middle of the action! You use her ranting dialogue to give a clear picture of her life before this, without giving us paragraphs of exposition of backstory. Well done.
In general, you could vary your sentence and paragraph structure a tad. Your sentences tend to run long, especially when you're using descriptive language. The final three long paragraphs, for ex, have very long sentences that are actually run-ons, plus other long sentences that, while grammatically correct, are so long they become slightly awkward/difficult to follow smoothly.
Long, complex sentences are great, don't get me wrong! But mix in shorter, punchier sentences as well so the sentences flows better. Also, those short sentences will draw the attention of the reader, so you can use them to trick the reader into focusing on details that matter most. Or you can use them for the details you know are going to make us go "Whaaaa?"
In the same vein, I suggest trying to break up your paragraphs more. Especially with a platform like webnovel, where so many people are reading via the app on their mobile devices, those long paragraphs don't leave any of what we call "white space" on the page. All readers, but especially younger readers and readers of genre fiction, feel comforted by the "white space" on a page that lets the eyes rest for a second. If you open a page and it's all block text (black squares), it can be daunting and will actually make you read slower. It's this weird but interesting psychological phenomenon.
Anyway, simplest way to fix this, try to separate "dialogue" and 'thought' lines when they aren't specifically related to the rest of the para.
e.g.
'All right, now the kitchen.'
Gritting her teeth, she hobbled across the living room. She tried to ignore her foot, but ...
(With this split, you're signaling to the reader "okay, now we're moving on to the next place" with that short one-line para, and then you actually move us there (while providing interesting deets--good job there!) in the next, longer para.)
Then the sentence "After finding nothing in the kitchen..." should also be its own para, since it's signalling the end of the kitchen exploration.
Another way to split para is to choose a single detail that stands out/sets the scene. You actually do this instinctively, but you're losing some of the "punch" of those details bc they get bogged down with the rest of the long para.
e.g. (rewrite of "it had been graduation" para)
It had been her graduation day.
Her brother had driven her. She could still remember the thick disappointment of learning her parents wouldn't be there, but she'd hidden it between a smile so her brother wouldn't feel like he wasn't enough.
But then they'd come.
Her parents surprised her with a last-minute appearance, barely making it through the doors as she was called up to collect her diploma. The picture came soon after: her mother's gentle smile, her father and brother grinning like mad men, and in the center, [MC's name?], her wide grin--more like her father's than her mother's--revealing just how happy she'd been to have them together with her.
'That was a day.' She smiled before gently taking the picture and leaving the room.
See how these small breaks help increase the dramatic tension/emotional drama of the short scene? You start with "It had been graduation day" as its own sentence, telling the reader we're being transported to a memory. Then you let the memory flow, but you break it up by emotion (first sadness, then surprise and joy). And then the 'That was a day.' line is separate, bc it signals we're back to the present and moving on from the memory.
Anyway, fabulous story opener, overall! It pulls the reader right into the thick of things and raises the perfect number of questions to make the reader feel like they need to keep going. Your MC is decently characterized (though we'd like her name?) and you do a great job of subtly showing her personality through dialogue and a picture, rather than by telling us.
Great job, hope this helps!