Seshata Thankfully I graduated undergrad last year, so while I may have procrastinated a little (lot) at least I passed, lol. Right now I'm trying to balance reading web-novels, writing my own, and my MLIS degree, rofl.

    Seshata Gah, This was what I was I was expecting all along!!! Haha, thanks for pointing out the errors and interests in my story, as expected of a proff. It wasn't much obvious when I wrote chapter 1 but as I'm writing chapter 50s now, there are many instances where I'm finding my vocabulary to be lacking :sweat_smile: for the scenes I'm picturing in my head which require me to surf the net after every para. haha, I'll concentrate on verbs for now. Thanks for your tips, sensei!!!

        Hmm. Seems you have a lot in the list. I'll skip my book for now. I'm enjoying the secondary feedback. Nice work. :grin:

          I'll just bring out the popcorn, take a seat in the sofa and enjoy the show.

          The feedback above points at an MFA rather than an MA (comp lit), so I'll quite greedily compare notes ;)

            RandomchaoS All righty! Sorry it took a hot minute to reply. I had unexpected adventures yesterday afternoon, and then my chap took longer to write last night than I'd planned. (Anyone else ever feel discouraged/peeved by how quickly you can read a chapter that took FOREVER to write?!)

            For starters, going to say, LOVE this title! It's catchy, intriguing, plays with a common joke, and makes me want to know more immediately.

            Synopsis is good, too. Straight to the point and tells us the stakes. I'd suggest adding your MC's name though. It will make the second sentence less awkward.

            Beginning:
            First full sentence is a run-on. That might put some readers off or make them worried about your writing style and command of syntax/grammar. Simple fix, just split it into two sentences. The rest of the para is great, though! Strong imagery, intriguing juxtapositions, raises a mystery. I do question that her hair is "falling in soft curls down her back" after 50,000 years, but, you know. MAGIC. :)

            "stepped on a piece of wood" -- stepping on wood and piercing a sliver of wood half an inch into your foot are two very different things. I might spice up that description to show us how much it hurt (the OWWW and then that description don't match)

            Great start in the middle of the action! You use her ranting dialogue to give a clear picture of her life before this, without giving us paragraphs of exposition of backstory. Well done.

            In general, you could vary your sentence and paragraph structure a tad. Your sentences tend to run long, especially when you're using descriptive language. The final three long paragraphs, for ex, have very long sentences that are actually run-ons, plus other long sentences that, while grammatically correct, are so long they become slightly awkward/difficult to follow smoothly.

            Long, complex sentences are great, don't get me wrong! But mix in shorter, punchier sentences as well so the sentences flows better. Also, those short sentences will draw the attention of the reader, so you can use them to trick the reader into focusing on details that matter most. Or you can use them for the details you know are going to make us go "Whaaaa?"

            In the same vein, I suggest trying to break up your paragraphs more. Especially with a platform like webnovel, where so many people are reading via the app on their mobile devices, those long paragraphs don't leave any of what we call "white space" on the page. All readers, but especially younger readers and readers of genre fiction, feel comforted by the "white space" on a page that lets the eyes rest for a second. If you open a page and it's all block text (black squares), it can be daunting and will actually make you read slower. It's this weird but interesting psychological phenomenon.

            Anyway, simplest way to fix this, try to separate "dialogue" and 'thought' lines when they aren't specifically related to the rest of the para.
            e.g.
            'All right, now the kitchen.'

            Gritting her teeth, she hobbled across the living room. She tried to ignore her foot, but ...
            (With this split, you're signaling to the reader "okay, now we're moving on to the next place" with that short one-line para, and then you actually move us there (while providing interesting deets--good job there!) in the next, longer para.)
            Then the sentence "After finding nothing in the kitchen..." should also be its own para, since it's signalling the end of the kitchen exploration.

            Another way to split para is to choose a single detail that stands out/sets the scene. You actually do this instinctively, but you're losing some of the "punch" of those details bc they get bogged down with the rest of the long para.

            e.g. (rewrite of "it had been graduation" para)

            It had been her graduation day.

            Her brother had driven her. She could still remember the thick disappointment of learning her parents wouldn't be there, but she'd hidden it between a smile so her brother wouldn't feel like he wasn't enough.

            But then they'd come.

            Her parents surprised her with a last-minute appearance, barely making it through the doors as she was called up to collect her diploma. The picture came soon after: her mother's gentle smile, her father and brother grinning like mad men, and in the center, [MC's name?], her wide grin--more like her father's than her mother's--revealing just how happy she'd been to have them together with her.

            'That was a day.' She smiled before gently taking the picture and leaving the room.

            See how these small breaks help increase the dramatic tension/emotional drama of the short scene? You start with "It had been graduation day" as its own sentence, telling the reader we're being transported to a memory. Then you let the memory flow, but you break it up by emotion (first sadness, then surprise and joy). And then the 'That was a day.' line is separate, bc it signals we're back to the present and moving on from the memory.

            Anyway, fabulous story opener, overall! It pulls the reader right into the thick of things and raises the perfect number of questions to make the reader feel like they need to keep going. Your MC is decently characterized (though we'd like her name?) and you do a great job of subtly showing her personality through dialogue and a picture, rather than by telling us.

            Great job, hope this helps!

                StenDuring Haha how do you know it's not both? ;)

                Given that you can spot the diff so quickly, is it safe to say "Howdy" to a fellow grad school survivor?

                    Overlord_Venus If it makes you feel better, I use the Thesaurus function on Word and copious amounts of Googling for EVERY chapter I write, whether it's my traditional novels or my webnovel. My search history is weird AF. I currently have a "define __" google tab, a "___ synonym" tab, "d" verbs list, rhymezone open to "words that rhyme with methamphetamine," and google image results of a cocker spaniel on one tab, a jagged rusty halberd on the other.

                    So. You know. It's all part of the process. :)

                        Veronica8 I'll probably be going through 2-3 chaps a day for a while, so you're welcome to add your book to the list if you don't mind waiting for feedback. Or you can pick up tips from my feedback for others! Happy to have you hear, enjoying the show. :)

                          Lilliny

                          Link works great! First off-AHHH WHAT A PRETTY COVER! I know that has nothing to do with grammar feedback but AHH IT'S SO PRETTY.

                          FANTASTIC opening lines! They're short, pithy, and do that perfect job of not only telling us the setting and describing the MC's immediate environment, but they also characterize part of the MC's personality. And then BAM, STAKES! "It's this or death." Great! Solid opening!

                          Haha "infamous Empire of Peaches" is not a phrase I expected to see. Love that juxtaposition between something lovely and innocuous like peaches and a dude getting his head chopped off with an axe.

                          The interaction with the brother is really strong. Great dialogue, great pacing to add tension/drama, and great imagery that shows us how terrified and overwhelmed the brother is.

                          Tiny critique--unlike most authors that should be using a few more commas, you have commas in places they don't belong. Corrected: "Our castle was ransacked." "Family heirlooms were torn from our walls and swiped from our cases." "Same with our precious jewels and horses"

                          If you want to use commas stylistically, try this: "Our castle, ransacked. Family heirlooms were torn from our walls, swiped from our cases, all to be sold who-knows-where."

                          Also, watch out for commas creating run-on sentences. "we can't afford to slow down; it gets dangerous at night!"

                          You do a good job of switching tenses, but make sure when you switch back and forth, you make it abundantly clear whether we're in the past or the present. For example, when you switch back to the present with "He's such a good dog" it's little confusing. Instead, try, "As I pat his sweet head, resting on my lap in this infernal carriage, I whisper, "Good dog." I'm thrilled to have him with me, one small piece of familiarity in a world of strangeness, but I wish he were with my mother and brother. They're traveling north, now, banished past the outer edges of the Empire. Banished, but still alive. I just hope they remain that way. The winters there are harsh and unforgiving."

                          See how this is a little clearer and brings us back to the present? You generally want to avoid paragraphs that "time travel" (verb tense shift) mid-way, since that's confusing to the reader. And when you zoom forward out of a memory, you want to ground the reader in the present with solid details (like the dog in the lap in the carriage we've already heard about).

                          This is for EVERYONE: Please please never use "got" unless it's dialogue, and even then, only if you MUST.
                          The correct version of your sentence is "I hadn't gotten a good look at him"

                          As the story continues, you have a few more syntax (sentence structure) errors, usually comma-related. If you have two full thoughts (two independent clauses), use ; to combine them instead of commas. You don't need "had" so often either; most of the times you use "had" you could have simply used the past tense verb alone.

                          The details and backstory are wonderful, however, and do a splendid job with characterization and world-building. I love that the carriage driver has such a rich, complex history and his own character arc. Even the horse is an active character in this scene! That's great! The line "Red slowed to a trot, as if he wanted to hear his master's story, too" was particularly strong.

                          VERY STRONG CLOSE!

                          You expertly wrap up all the details we've learned so far, recap the important bits, close out the old world and introduce us to the new. Your story is intriguing, well-paced, well-introduced, and super fun! I can't wait to keep reading it, and I'm sure your readers felt the same! :)

                              Seshata thank you so much! I will put this into action when I edit my chapters in the coming week 😊 I really appreciate the feedback. ☺

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