Disclaimer: Everything on here is based off of personal opinion, and is by no means a universally accepted standard. This is just me trying to help out those who have a difficult time writing sex-oriented scenes in books. If you have anything Helpful to add, please comment. Any harassment or derogatory comments will be reported to the admins. I apologize if anyone is offended by what I’ve written. It was not my intention, and I hope you have a lovely day😁

I’m a 33 year old wife and mother who has been reading romance novels since I was ten. I’m not shy about writing or talking about sex. I see it as one of the most beautiful and fulfilling ways to express affection, and make a singular connection to another being. I say ‘being’ because this specifically pertains to writing, and not all stories are strictly about humans/have humans in them.

My first point: There is a difference between ‘Smut Scenes’ and ‘Love Scenes’. Deciding on which type of scene you want in your book is the first step.
What kind of emotional connection do your characters have? Is it reciprocated? Do these feelings have a foundation, or is it more infatuation?
Asking these kinds of questions can help you figure out what type of scene would make the Most Sense for your book.

Readers can generally tell when an author is just throwing a sex scene into a book ‘because sex sells’. Don’t get me wrong: it does. But if there’s no substance behind the act, no emotional build to the scene, then you are likely to lose readers. There are exceptions to every rule, but I have personally axed out books because the scenes either made No sense to the plot, or the emotions involved were too convoluted, or jumbled to follow. Or my biggest problem: the scene seemed almost robotic(used same descriptive words over, and over, and over..).

This can happen when writers are unfamiliar or inexperienced with sexual acts. Which is by NO MEANS a bad thing. Some are too young, or haven’t found that special someone yet, and that’s Completely fine. You can learn how to write sex scenes without firsthand experience or knowledge by reading other books, watching movies, etc..

The important things to take away from those things are:

  1. How did the scene make you feel? I don’t mean the vulgarity of it. Did the emotions held and felt by the characters make sense? Did you see/feel emotional transference of said emotions? Which ones? Were they passionate or possessive? How would you describe the physical contact In Conjunction with their emotional connection?

  2. Sex is generally a repetitious act, but that doesn’t mean the description needs to be. There is an outrageous number of ways to write or describe the word or act of ‘penetration‘. I cannot stand seeing that word more than once in a paragraph(personal opinion). For all writers: THE THESAURUS IS YOUR BEST FRIEND! There’s even blogs and such that specialize in helping to write sex scenes. My personal favorite is:

https://laurelclarke.com/2014/08/18/sexy-thesaurus-romance-erotica-words/

I found this on the InkStone Discord server on the writing resources channel a while back. They have a plethora of resources and articles that can help with the descriptive writing aspect of your story in general(The specific link is some extra help. I am not affiliated with the above site, I just use it often.).

  1. I completely understand how embarrassing it can be to write sex scenes in books. Especially if your friends and family are supportive of your work like mine are(my MOM is one of my biggest fans😅😶). But you have to keep in mind that sex is a part of life. How do you think you got here? Don’t treat it like a stigma, and you will be surprised at how much better and easier the writing process can be.

I mean no offense to anyone. Some see sex as a deeply scared and/or spiritual connection. Some see it as a simple release with minimal emotional connection. There there’s a Whole lotta of varying in between. To each their own, I say. So long as you’re not hurting anyone, or the pain is consensual(50 Shades popped into my head as I wrote this😂).

This is another reason why you want to clarify which type of scene your characters are experiencing through the description. Sex emotionally evolves characters. They can evolve together, or sex can also bring personality issues or discrepancies to the surface. There’s a lot of character building potential before, during, and after ‘the act’ that can bring the characters to a literary crescendo. Personally, I love it when the crescendo IS the act😂😇.

Final Thought:
The more emotionally invested the readers are in your characters, the better your book will do. Sex is one of the most universal forms of connection and expression, along side food, music, and other forms of art. I wish you well in your individual pursuits, and any questions and/or comments will be replied to when I have time☮️❤️😁

    Sara_Wilcox This can happen when writers are unfamiliar or inexperienced with sexual acts. Which is by NO MEANS a bad thing. Some are too young, or haven’t found that special someone yet, and that’s Completely fine. You can learn how to write sex scenes without firsthand experience or knowledge by reading other books, watching movies, etc..

    All I will say is that many of those who write it need to expand their repertoire on this knowledge. Their views on sex are solely based on pornography, or more common yet, hentai. It is some of the most cringe-worthy material on the site and in no way realistic nor even physically feasible.

    I think one of the biggest eyebrow raisers I found was a male who was described at being 12 inches long and 8 inches thick. I mean come on, this is the size of a bodybuilder's thigh.

        Wolfick 😂 I agree. I have an author buddy who is inexperienced and was writing solely based off of porn. They had no emotional development between the characters, but other than that, the story was really good! It would’ve made sense if the characters weren’t in love(aka made a smut scene), but the scene that they tried to make was a ‘love scene’, and it bombed. They had me proof it for them before they released it, thank goodness. After some advice about emotional build-up, it turned out to be decent😁 I won’t mention a name because I don’t want to embarrass them, but they were the inspiration behind this.

        I’ve seen a lot of remarks on here(the forum), about how difficult it is to write sex scenes. Whether it be because of lack of personal experience, or just extreme embarrassment: I thought this might help😁🤞🏻

          Sara_Wilcox Thanks for the resources and the advice. My first ever adult scene is coming up (writing I mean), and I've been so anxious about it. I feel like a voyeur when I try to write it and I just end up embarassed. I think it's time to visit the corn hub for some inspiration.

              melonbread I wish you luck in your endeavors😁 Just remember to determine if you are writing a ‘love scene’ or a ‘smut scene’ first. Then you can refine the criteria of your ‘research’. If you’re writing a smut scene, then ‘corn hub’ would be a decent ‘resource’.

              If you’re going more for a ‘love scene’, I suggest r-rated movies and books(so long as you are of age for all of this!). They are more tuned in to the emotional expressions and connections displayed during sex. Porn is more... primal, I guess? Most, anyways. There is romantic stuff out there too, but I don’t think I’d trust their ‘acting’ to communicate the connection required. But again, that is a personal opinion😅☮️❤️😁

                  On point no 2.
                  There (is) an outrageous number of (ways) to write or describe the word or act..
                  Just pointing out some typos to fix since it's great seeing you help others.

                    Rule number zero for romance writers: don't toss a sex scene just for the sake of having a 'spicy' thing for your pre-teen readers fan themselves (tip: they often don't pay). It's just like watching GoT on HBO then out of the blue and unnecessarily for the plot, naked people acting lewd are tossed before your eyes.
                    Female readers won't read your novel more because it has a lot of sex scenes. They will keep reading your novel if the sex scene occurs as a consequence of the plot. They are interested in the consequences of said sex innuendo, too.
                    I'd like to reinforce the difference of perception between males and females regarding sex in the media. Everyone said it a LOT, like, too much, but some inexperienced female authors go after conventional porn to learn how to describe a sex scene. But, thing is, describing too visually won't make a female reader connect with the scene. Most probably, will turn her away.
                    Gals usually don't care that much for the visuals of sex, as men do. We don't usually care for 'bouncy t--ies while she's gyrating cowboy-style like a Yo Gi Yo's Bey Blade', or 'she sucked his ginormous veiny prec--ed c--* mushroom like a baby elephant'. Go for the feelings and sensations.
                    And, not all men should be acting the same in bed. Give him some personality. It's okay to make him cuddly, or even vanilla. Not all men are grabbing hair werewolves, foreplay licking masters, thrusting experts D'Artagnans, or having a sexual repertoire of Marquis de Sade. And it's perfectly okay. You can still love them as a role model of sexy man.

                    Who said that: a woman that knows and reads it a lot. And it's just a reinforcement of what Sara_Wilcox said. It's not only her opinion.

                        I beg to differ, so reading or watching or performing the act isn't necessarily going to make an author write a decent scene. Some may have done all that and still struggle, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to writing things like that🙄

                          AriaKang I both agree and disagree with you. It’s true that some just can’t write sex scenes. Just like some can write them flawlessly, with little effort. Like all things: the more you research and experience, the better you can translate it to paper. I don’t necessarily mean doing the actual act, but simple exposure to the wide world of physical contact can be inspiring/motivating/etc..

                          Writing is just like anything else: the more you research and practice writing the scene, the better it will turn out. Personally, I usually re-read paragraph by paragraph, then the whole chapter to make sure it flows right. Editing is your second best friend(next to a thesaurus).

                          I personally think that if one works hard enough on their craft, anyone can make a wonderful story. It all depends on the effort you put into it. Again this is all personal opinion☮️❤️😁

                            SrtaA I totally agree with you on almost everything you said(your descriptions😂👍🏻). Everything except females not particularly liking heavy descriptions; I think that comes down to how the scene is portrayed. Most of my readers are female or non-specific, and I have Extremely descriptive scenes in my book(no ‘baby elephant’ type descriptions though😂). But the two main characters are heavily devoted to each other. I add passionate terms and/or endearments to accentuate their connection, and use sex as a kind of cement to the building blocks of their relationship.

                            For this thread I decided to focus more on the author’s ability to translate what kind of scene they were going for, rather than the actual content because everyone still needs to write/be inspired/research/etc.. their own way. I’m dyslexic on top of a lot of other issues, so I learn and identify things differently. I could never write how I do without the sources to properly word myself. And that’s most likely the reason behind those hilarious descriptions you mentioned. Personally I think most write like that because they didn’t know what type of scene to portray to begin with, so they go with only ‘pornographic’ descriptions.

                            I left the link and mentioned the discord server to help authors figure out how find their own words/style/etc.. But the first thing they need to determine before anything is what type of scene they’re going for. Knowing that will help them narrow down not only the type of research they need to do, but also what kinds of questions they should be asking themselves while researching.

                            Example: for a ‘Love Scene’, romantic media is ideal. Even flipping open a thesaurus and looking at the words and their definitions related to the word ‘love’ or ‘devoted’ can give authors a head start on their wordage and scene layout.

                            For a ‘Smut Scene’, which to me is a sex scene with either minimal emotional connection, or.. darker emotions involved; porn is good research. Cold and calculating characters tend to be more involved in these types of scenes(like the main villain, the main character before his love Epiphany, etc..). The actors in porn don’t normally have an emotional connection to the other(unless it’s a romantic erotica), so their movements would’ve akin to an emotionless coupling. So long as the author remembers to incorporate the connection, or lack there of, into the scene(maybe the sex leads to a budding connection? Maybe it confirms their characters lack of feelings for the other? Etc..).

                            Sorry for the rant😅 Just wanted to elaborate a bit more, but I loved your comments and thoughts🥰

                                Sara_Wilcox Was it a rant? No problem, polite disagreement is the patron of useful discussions. 👍

                                I mentioned 'Gals don't like it' because it's a statistical thing. Of course, there are exceptions. Like everything else in life. So I think my post wasn't invalidated by your personal experience or style. It's not only me saying it, the behavioral scientists said it before me. We all have our idiosyncrasies, but I was talking about the majority.

                                The kind of people who will find your thread useful are exactly the ones who are ruining their sex scenes because they don't know how to dose or to describe what they see in their mind. Or they don't even see it in their mind, which is a BIG problem. The ones perfectly okay with how they are writing their sex scenes will just shrug (or laugh), so any advice here is not for people who know exactly what they are doing...

                                As you said, there are basic problems (as I remember, not exactly your words):

                                • not conveying the intended mood because The author is using the wrong/weak words.
                                • repeating words or phrases thus making it boring as hell
                                • turning the sex act into something mechanical (I call it 'the pistoning effect') and lacking emotion
                                • doing it all wrong because you don't know how it really is, didn't do your homework, went against physics/anatomy/common sense (like, male-male sex, it's a whole different thing and some inexperienced BL authors do forget it needs lube to be enjoyable...).

                                There are more, but you gave excellent tips for every of them.

                                But, at least to me, the most important thing is what you said more than one time in your comments: sometimes they don't know what they wish. They don't feel the scene. They turn one thing into another.

                                So I reason this way: Hm, so you don't know what you want with this sex scene, but you want to insert one all the same? WHY?! HELL, WHY?! (note that it is a rant 🤣)
                                If it doesn't occur to you as a consequence of something, sprouting naturally, in a way you can imagine the whys and the hows, why do you need to insert a sex scene?

                                And that's the problem in many (not all, but many) Webnovel romances. Too many crap sex scenes because authors feel they need to push a sex scene when they don't really need one in the first place. Just to earn traction. MATURE CONTENT - The magic words on the top of the synopsis (by the way, something frowned upon by WN editors).

                                By the way, I've read the source you mentioned long ago and used to have it pinned in my favorites bar. It's a good source with lots of useful tips and words. 👌 I don't remember any other so good.

                                    SrtaA I totally agree with you❤️ Your post wasn’t invalid at all. Your points were spot on. I love how you broke down and simplified the main points, and backed it with data too🥰 I also love exchanges of the mind like this, and appreciate your opinion and feedback. I just meant that heavily described sex scenes can be appealing to women as long as the emotional investment is established and/or expressed during the scene.

                                    I really loved your comment about how the mature content warning should NOT being at the top of the synopsis also. Too many books do it, in my opinion. Even some of the top ranked books(I don’t get why the editors don’t say something to the authors about it, if they want all the other authors not to do the same). Thank you for the stimulating conversation☮️❤️😁

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