@Xia_Xia89 Hello. I've read the first 8 chapters of your work, and I think I've piled up enough material to give you proper feedback.
It might sting a little. I know the feeling. But it makes us better.
Chapter 1
The beginning of a novel should be strong, especially the first sentences.
In term of events, you nailed it: A daughter is actually flying transatlantic because something important happened to her father. Something that you do not reveal at once, and I appreciate the suspens.
In term of writing, there are three sentences with the same structure, which distracks our attention from the plot to the writing.
"bla bla", says whomever.
"bla bla", says whomever.
"bla bla", says whomever.
I advise you insert a few sentences in between to set the scene.
"Daughter ! I need your help ! Come home soon"
Shi Lian froze, worried by her father's tone. Never had she hear Mo Zhen Yuan plead her with such intensity. Her heart heart lurched at the idea that something big might have happened.
You insert a little emotion here, then you can continue the dialogue.
The switching of points of view needs to be clearly marked. A change of paragraph, at least. And be careful not to switch twice in a little span. The meeting with the male protagonist gives us a paragraph with info about him, then we get back to her. It is inconsistent for the reader.
When she meets Fu Zi Chen, you give us the info that he is the leading business tycoon in the fashion world. It feels like you are giving us the info that is written down in the synopsis. But we don't need it, right ?
It would be much more powerful if we didn't kow who the guy was... because then, the surprise would be total when she meets him again.
More internalisation
More details: you need hard facts. What alcohol do they drink ? What's its taste ? How many years passed with her abroad ? All those details will make it more 'real'.
More descriptions. You've got a few ones, make them longer, fluffier, insert emotions with those facts.
More emotions: people are acting, and there are scraps of emotions displayed. But we don't feel them, because we are not in your female lead's head. We are outside, and we watch her. Does it make sense ?
Info dumping: that's what we call exposure. Whatever you share needs to have a reason. You can choose to expose it through:
- dialogue: that's what you do when the mother tells her daughter the company is not good a,d her father works too much. That's good.
- Inner monologue: your character thinks about it. There must be a reason for it, a transition for the reader's mind to follow. I posted a commentin your text about the university. Instead of stating the facts, you could include it in your female inner musings.
You need to know that dumping info takes the reader away from the plot. Hence, it needs to be scarce, and important enough for the plot. If not, it feels impersonal.
You need to think in terms of scenes, where everything has an intensity. You're halfway between this, and a synopsis or a scenario in your writing.
You can keep the text and add many details in between to make it lively, and real. Not like you're telling a story, but rather making us live it. Emotions, smells, looks, thoughts.
The plot suffers from some shortcuts (I wrote them as comments in your text): the receptionnist is the same at the night before. The surveillance is handed over without even a fight. Background check on a woman with only a picture if the domain of sercret services. What kind of resources does the man have to be able to do that ? Does he hack into police files ?
If I guess what's coming later, she's going to run into that man again, right ? What are the odds, really ? 1/1 million ? If you want to be a tad realistic, maybe you could at least consider that their first outing was a club for rich asian people, for example. This would increase the chances that your female protagonist runs into that particular male protagonist in another country.
Shortcuts are all right, sometimes, provided they remain few. Many great authors used a deus ex macchina, or scenaristic shortcuts. They just need to be believable, and not too numerous.
There. I hope I didn't rock your world too much.
You've got a good story, I think it could become great.
Cheers !
