@Dedz_ I've read five chapters of your novel, and I'm left with one question: what the heck is going on??
1. As Bland as Over-Cooked Chicken Without Any Seasoning
You tend to put a ridiculous amount of useless detail. I'm okay with waxing poetic every now and then, but most of your descriptions are bland and repetitive, sometimes even completely pointless.
Just like you, I also make the mistake of listing out descriptions. I've been trying to get out of that habit, but creating a vivid scene is an art that takes lots of practice. The best way to get better at it is to read more books and expand your vocabulary.
For vocabulary, I used to do this thing where I would read a book and look out for words that I didn't know, and then I would make a note of them. For example take this excerpt from the fan-translated first volume of Fate/Strange Fake, taken from HumbertoZero's Tumblr:
"A cleft.
That city, rising from the darkness of the surrounding hinterland, was certainly worthy of
being called a “cleft”.
It was not a disjunctive barrier, of the kind that might separate day from night; light from
darkness. Rather, it was a harmonious barrier, one that demarcated a boundary between things
of the same ilk. That was the strange thing about the city of Snowfield."
This is only the beginning of the volume, but it does such an amazing job of describing the city of Snowfield. Immediately, I spotted the words "hinterland," "disjunctive," "demarcated," and "ilk." I know none of these words, so I would look up their definitions and write them in a journal or in my phone notes. Then, I would write a sentence using that word. It sounds like some boring English class exercise, but trust me when I say that it really helps with vocabulary. I don't do it as much anymore since it sometimes takes me away from the reading, but it's helpful.
2. Fluffy Fluff Fluffs
Attention span is limited, so make sure everything in your story is necessary. I'm not sure how many words your first chapter is, but I can sum it up pretty quickly.
A dove flies into a palace, and we meet a queen who wakes up from her sleep. Then, the main character wakes up, realizing it was just a dream.
You spend such an enormous time describing the dove and the palace, but what was the point? Is there any significance to the dream? When I finished the chapter I was left feeling like that John Travolta meme where he looks around confused.
The same thing happens with the later chapters where you go on such long tangents describing stuff.
I'm a simple man; just get to the point.
As Shakespeare wrote, "Brevity is the soul of the wit."
3. I Got Reincarnated as a Genderless Vampire Loli
I'll be straight with you, the main character is pretty run-of-the-mill. He doesn't do anything that grabs my attention.
Sure, he gets brutally murdered, but why? And how? He gets reincarnated as a genderless vampire loli, but why? And how? Who the heck is this dragon? What is that random voice that started speaking? Where is the main character's hole? What is going on?
In a sense, it feels like you just slapped together a bunch of random plot points without any direction in mind. I'm sure most of this stuff will get explained in the future, but as of now, I'm left so utterly dumbfounded that I just have to sit back and contemplate life. On top of that, I don't even have any remote interest in the main character, which makes everything doubly uninteresting.
I assume that the first couple of chapters were meant to develop the main character and get to know him, but he just talks a little with his friend and other fluff. The story wouldn't change if you skipped to the reincarnation because at the moment there's no significance to La suddenly killing Bai.
Of course, everyone writes differently, but I suggest planning out your novel. It doesn't have to be anything crazy detailed, but at least make some notes for what you plan to do. "Discovery Writers" like Stephen King who barely do any planning can get away with it because they have practiced so much. King is a masterful storyteller who has spent years honing his craft.
I'm not saying your writing is terrible, I'm just saying that you tried to pack too much stuff. It's like make a burger, but adding ice cream, fried eggplants, and pencil leads into it.
In short, when you read through your novel, ask yourself the question: does this make sense?
That's about it. I hope my advice helped you, and feel free to ask any more questions.
, so maybe... 7-day PS as a payment? Maybe, even two weeks.
