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d_elfe Great

Xia_Xia89 Got it. Thank you!

Epyonnn I already dmed you my full-length notes, so here is a short review that summarizes the 3 major points.

1. Synopsis Needs Work

• It basically summarizes the first seven chapters and it doesn't make the reader become intrigued or find the novel different from other isekai novels.
• The synopsis also needs to be broken down into smaller paragraphs because mobile readers have smaller attention spans.
• The synopsis also needs an overarching conflict that hooks the reader throughout the story. In 1984, it's Big Brother, for example.

2. No Overarching Conflict

• Though if a laidback approach is your niche, then it's fine but it's hard to keep readers interested if they don't think the story will be satisfying. By satisfying, I mean, a deeper conflict that will or is occurring throughout the story and will be resolved by the end of the book. Resolution is subject to opinion ofc.
• This should be stated in your synopsis, as I said earlier.
• This should be stated in the first 3 chapters somewhere as well. I already talked to you about what it is for your story, so I'm sure you can do the editing.

3. Too Much Telling, Little Showing
- You tell us a lot of stuff and everything is almost written in an exposition format, causing it to feel like it's not actually happening in the moment.
- Show us what's happening, and the reader will believe it and see it through the MC's eyes. It's not enough to just describe something with a fancy adjectives or label the clothes a person is wearing. You have to describe the importance of the clothes + why the setting is "picturesque". Why is it important that this setting is "picturesque" or this person looks like "this"? If the reader doesn't feel like it's important, then they might skim and feel bored.
--> one example(it's not great but u get the point): "I put on my lucky green cap. It had been sitting in my closet for months, accumulating a sense of forgetfulness to the point I let the memories slip by through my fingers. Dad gave this cap to me at our first baseball game, and my green cap was the last thing I had of him since he died."
- Basically, you need to show us why it's important if describing things like clothes. If not, it should be used as a visualization technique so that the reader can actually immerse themself in the story.
--> This goes for your description of the MC's appearance in the game. There are a lot of details at once, but it doesn't make me visualize the appearance in any way. ex. "I was six feet and three inches tall. I had a ripped body of a Jojo character, and my handsome face could smother any woman or man" you get how it feels like a lengthy list of outward character traits. This is something that stays in the writer's notes, instead. In the story, one should focus on a key few traits and describe them to the reader to help visualize the experience.

Hope this help :)

Xia_Xia89 i've reviewed yours and its really amazing, it's well written and everything is just beautiful keep up the good work, i'll be waiting yours,

Hello everyone, I'm back here again for some review swaps :D!
I've gotten one from Epyonnn the other day but would love to hear some more feedbacks about my novel.
I will appreciate it if you can spare some time to read my store.
*Also, do leave me the link to your novel after the review so I can also check out your novel :)

Here goes nothing.
Title: The Shopmaster
Genre: Fantasy (Male-Lead)
Synopsis:
It has been 300 years since the world’s Global Outbreak.
Humanity survived the ordeal and order has been reestablished.
The old Earth was no more as it was replaced with a new age of swords, magic, and new adventures.

Jake and Jen, a pair of siblings who wish to live a peaceful life, decided to open a general store that sells a variety of items to make a living and live a stable life.

While hiding the fact that it's Jake’s third life, can they really live the peaceful and stable life they wished for?

Link: https://www.webnovel.com/book/the-shopmaster_20241575705390005
Cover picture

TITLE: His Lotus Flower
GENRE: BL
SYPNOSIS: 'You realise what you have lost once you've let go.'

"Why did I waste all my life chasing after the wrong person?"
Lui Xian felt so regretful after being betrayed by the one person he trusted and loved the most.

He never thought of him being that kind of deceitful person. He had admired him for more than a decade. Even though the other had many women flocking in his chambers Lui Xian still continued to nurture his feelings for him.

He always thought that everything was alright and it was for the best. And even hoped that one day they would finally unite.

But all his hopes were completely crushed to pieces when he found out that he was the reason for the misfortunes the people he cared for went through. He even let the one man who could be his solace drift with the wind.
"Ah Shao."

He couldn't help but look for that one person so he can make it up to him. So that he could be together with His Lotus Flower who could make him whole in a lake filled with coldness, betrayal, sadness, darkness and many other feelings that kept him in a pit.

LINK: https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/19475738505422005?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4308667043

@Xia_Xia89 Hello. I've read the first 8 chapters of your work, and I think I've piled up enough material to give you proper feedback.
It might sting a little. I know the feeling. But it makes us better.

Chapter 1

The beginning of a novel should be strong, especially the first sentences.
In term of events, you nailed it: A daughter is actually flying transatlantic because something important happened to her father. Something that you do not reveal at once, and I appreciate the suspens.
In term of writing, there are three sentences with the same structure, which distracks our attention from the plot to the writing.
"bla bla", says whomever.
"bla bla", says whomever.
"bla bla", says whomever.

I advise you insert a few sentences in between to set the scene.
"Daughter ! I need your help ! Come home soon"
Shi Lian froze, worried by her father's tone. Never had she hear Mo Zhen Yuan plead her with such intensity. Her heart heart lurched at the idea that something big might have happened.
You insert a little emotion here, then you can continue the dialogue.

The switching of points of view needs to be clearly marked. A change of paragraph, at least. And be careful not to switch twice in a little span. The meeting with the male protagonist gives us a paragraph with info about him, then we get back to her. It is inconsistent for the reader.

When she meets Fu Zi Chen, you give us the info that he is the leading business tycoon in the fashion world. It feels like you are giving us the info that is written down in the synopsis. But we don't need it, right ?
It would be much more powerful if we didn't kow who the guy was... because then, the surprise would be total when she meets him again.

More internalisation
More details: you need hard facts. What alcohol do they drink ? What's its taste ? How many years passed with her abroad ? All those details will make it more 'real'.

More descriptions. You've got a few ones, make them longer, fluffier, insert emotions with those facts.

More emotions: people are acting, and there are scraps of emotions displayed. But we don't feel them, because we are not in your female lead's head. We are outside, and we watch her. Does it make sense ?

Info dumping: that's what we call exposure. Whatever you share needs to have a reason. You can choose to expose it through:
- dialogue: that's what you do when the mother tells her daughter the company is not good a,d her father works too much. That's good.
- Inner monologue: your character thinks about it. There must be a reason for it, a transition for the reader's mind to follow. I posted a commentin your text about the university. Instead of stating the facts, you could include it in your female inner musings.

You need to know that dumping info takes the reader away from the plot. Hence, it needs to be scarce, and important enough for the plot. If not, it feels impersonal.

You need to think in terms of scenes, where everything has an intensity. You're halfway between this, and a synopsis or a scenario in your writing.
You can keep the text and add many details in between to make it lively, and real. Not like you're telling a story, but rather making us live it. Emotions, smells, looks, thoughts.

The plot suffers from some shortcuts (I wrote them as comments in your text): the receptionnist is the same at the night before. The surveillance is handed over without even a fight. Background check on a woman with only a picture if the domain of sercret services. What kind of resources does the man have to be able to do that ? Does he hack into police files ?

If I guess what's coming later, she's going to run into that man again, right ? What are the odds, really ? 1/1 million ? If you want to be a tad realistic, maybe you could at least consider that their first outing was a club for rich asian people, for example. This would increase the chances that your female protagonist runs into that particular male protagonist in another country.

Shortcuts are all right, sometimes, provided they remain few. Many great authors used a deus ex macchina, or scenaristic shortcuts. They just need to be believable, and not too numerous.

There. I hope I didn't rock your world too much.
You've got a good story, I think it could become great.

Cheers !

@Shreya2711 I'll be frank with you: I only managed to read one chapter because I could barely understand what you wrote.

I realize that some authors aren't native English speakers, so I won't bash you too hard. Here are some of the stuff that needs fixing:

• The sentences are dry. In fact, the first three sentences are all about the same length. Try to vary them, and use more transition phrases to make everything flow more smoothly. Also, your descriptions are quite lacking. Here's a sentence you wrote: "...a sound as if someone was carefully taking steps." If you wanted an air of suspense, another way to write it would be: "...a sound as if a creature were prowling in the night." It might not fit too much with the context, but I hope you get my point. As Mark Twain once said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug."

• Grammar errors. There many places where you missed particles and other things that made the paragraphs confusing. Use Grammarly as a grammar-checking software, and use other websites to study grammar in general.

• The paragraphs are humongous. Even I tend to make large paragraphs, but yours are just straight-up huge. Split them up for important plot beats, and make sure to put dialogue on a new paragraph as well. If you aren't sure how to format and punctuate dialogue, there are plenty of websites for reference.

• Read more books. A big issue among new writers is that they don't read too many books, and that makes it difficult for them to replicate the proper format. I'm not accusing you of not reading, but it's just a suggestion in case you're not an avid reader.

That's about it. Sorry that I couldn't critique your plot because I just couldn't keep reading after the first chapter. Writing prose is something that can only improve through constant practice and effort, so as long as you keep on writing, you'll get better eventually.

Epyonnn Thank you so much for the most honest review, I liked that! Now I understand where I went wrong. I will definitely update the first chapter.
One more thing to ask, umm.. actually I wanted to create many situations and show how they are connected to each other. My real story starts after few chapters when the main characters of the story starts showing up. So, other that correcting grammar mistakes and rephrasing sentences, what else I should do to make readers read further chapters?
I have read many books where main characters showed up after many chapters and I liked that idea so I used it with a little twist. Can you please please please tell me if my plot is getting boring or not? Hands up I have improved my writing skills in the further chapters! Would it be possible for you? Please!!!!

Title: Cumulus System
Genre: Fantasy - male MC
#action #system #adventure #romance #r18

links: http://wbnv.in/a/a6fybbi

Nanites, a nano robots created with a hitech engineering, this was the age of wars. When a majority of the world seek refuge from the engineers, when country sold their prides for science and science is Gods. The forbidden fruits of knowledge has been unleashed, where we studied human and their abilities and boosted it to the very efficiency it has to offers. The time is 200 years ago, the name of the era is "Nanowars".

"You will grow with the main character, a steampunk industrialist era, with modern technology cowboy meet alien style, it also includes full event story, cheat skills, pets, flying pets, unique pets, girls and boys in tight body suits, romance, drama and politics"
- author

Shreya2711 If I may. I don't have time for a honest review now on your work, but there's something I might help you with.
There is such a large material to read, now, compared to what we used to have before... except if you spent time in a library, of course.

To me, what makes the difference is usually the first sentence. I read it, up to the first paragraph, and I know if I'm going to enjoy a story. Why ?
It all comes down to the writing. A fantastic plot, badly written, can be as flat as a plain. The right words, with emotion, immersion and so on, and you got me hooked. Even if nothing is happening.
Think of contemplatives novels, for example, where action is set in the background but you feel like you are living those moments with the heroes.

So it all comes down to the first words.
Sometimes I'm wrong, and I miss out something that might improve later.
Sometimes I get disappointed, because the writing is great, but the plot is horrible.

Most of the time though, I enjoy my picks.

Here goes nothing. My first ever Webnovel
Title: Abused Yet Indestructible Princess
Genre: Fantasy (female lead)
Synopsis: All her life Summer wished for her wolf so that she could exact revenge and escape her monster mom.
However , upon meeting Sunny everything changes. Unbeknownst to her, Meeting her wolf brings upon her a tremendous responsibility that requires great amounts of forgiveness, empathy and compassion. " So you're saying that by embracing it, I've gotta forgive them and still remember everything?"
"Si mi niña. That takes tremendous courage. It's a choice to live in the present even if the past hurts. it's a decision to progress and not remain a puppet of your past "

Mayemura https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/19843668706580305?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4313436314

Idowu_Mutiu I read a little bit of your novel, and every paragraph is one sentence for some reason. Also, some words are misspelled or just the wrong words to use in the context. Please work on grammar. I can't really give a good critique of the story if I can't understand what's going on.