please do 'THE HARD MODE BRUTAL REVIEW" on my novel

Rebirth of the System Creator

including the synopsis, cultivation description and everything else please.

Oh, this novel was rewritten again so I hope for the best.

Arigato Gozaimasu

    existing

    links

    Brutal Mode
    Originality - None. 0/5. Good work on the copy paste reincarnation story tropes. Oh you forgot that the MC's name was Sorcha, she died, reborn and her new parents happened to name her Sorcha. The ODDS!?!
    The neighbouring countries of Linbourne are Oakbourne, Silverbourne, and Vertbourne, and Linbourne. Linbourne not only neighbours itself all countries end with *bourne!

    Story - 4/5 Despite having felt I have read this story before I actually enjoyed it. That is until every male, including ones in their twenties, were infatuated with her. And wondering why a four-year-old girl gave them a cold shoulder. ** I know who Marion is unless you have a twist planned. This could have waited until she was older. Marion and Ryan could have found her intelligent and cute.

    Characters - 3/5 The MC has a kick ass personality. Everyone else is a cliche. With the exception of Edmund. Most of the kids and adults speak with the Authors voice. Except for Edmund, he is special. Edmund should become the new main sidekick. Go, Edmund. Poor little shy bastard with no redeeming qualities except he loves MC.

    Flow - 5/5 The flow is excellent. Nothing to troll here. Move along troll, move along. I found it easy to read. But you need to stop apologising for long chapters. You are the storyteller. It is what it is. The story comes first. Fuck the reader. If the story demands a 10k chapter. Then they can suck a cold one. Give them a 10k chapter. Give them cliffhangers too. Take no prisoners.
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    Nice Suggestions: I enjoyed reading the story. I would suggest a few things to improve, but above all keep writing.
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    1) describe what it looks like. The classroom, the home, the cafe. Wherever the characters are spending time. Take time to describe it once so the reader can picture it in their mind.
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    2) Give the characters a distinct voice. You are halfway there, keep going.
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    3) describe the character's appearance once. Have Luke think about Sorcha. Or what Rica sees when looking at Ryan. or just describe them. Give them a quirk or difference.
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    4) dont make it too easy for the MC. Good things come to those who wait. Not every man adores her. Some might just want to be friends. Some might take a long time. Some might give her pushback initially and her strong will then forces her way through.

        Skully_ I'm still digesting everything. I am actually laughing while reading. It's really interesting to know how others think about my story.
        First thing.. I'm aware that there really isn't much originality. The inspiration came from those rein.. tropes anyway lol
        your reaction towards the countries are gold. 😂😂
        I'm glad how you rate 4/5 on the story. Did it really appear as if they're infatuated already? I guess I have a lot of adjusting to do on that.
        The characters.. I will also try to improve how to make them more distinct.
        Lastly I'm happy that you found it easy to read. And.. okay haha I'll listen to your advice.

        I will follow your suggestions. Even though my work is really amateurish, I'm glad you enjoyed reading. 😣😣 Thank you very much for this honest review and for pointing out the things that I need to improve on.

        I'm thankful I asked for this roasting. 😄😄😄

        And if it's not bothersome, I hope you could rate directly in my novel. Thanks again. ♥️ Edit: I just noticed that you already did!! Hahahah

            Please review mine. I'd prefer a nice review if possible.

            I currently have 11 chapters and 17k+ words, and should be able to release the next chapter tomorrow at most.

            Duality

              Heya, Link to your book, since your reviewing books I'd like to return the favour. I dont want nice or brutal just honest. This being said your welcome to skip over mine since its BL genre ( even if there is no p0rn in it and its mostly comedy some people may get uncomfortable ) https://www.webnovel.com/book/11490900806393805/I-reincarnated-into-a-harem-game-as-a-villain%2C-Please-stay-away-I'm-gay!

              PS I have an editor now so don't worry too much about grammer they should be fixing it up soon. :)

                Huangdi Distinct voice means exactly what it implies which is each character sounds like a different individual. Their own person. The opposite of this is when all the characters talk the same, sound the same. It is something an author needs to work on to ensure all the characters don't sound like the same person.

                There are exceptions. When a group of people, i.e. students, hang out together all the time they end up sounding similar. But their personalities will still be different. This falls apart when the teacher enters because the teacher should talk completely different to the students. Use different language and sentence structure.

                  HavenlyJeep
                  link to story

                  Spoilers within.

                  Originality - 5/5 This is an original story. I applaud on_a_jeep for creating an original world, plot and powers. I enjoyed following the MC as she, I assume she because she wore a dress, walked through her world. The title is superb

                  Story - 4/5 The plot is very good. However, it is let down by weak or lazy descriptions. For example. Hope is in a conversation protesting the fact he is assigned as Ava's bodyguard and the story then states.
                  "I felt bad for him, so I convinced Hope that I would protect him."
                  This sort of shortcut is repeated often during the story. The author should have taken the time to SHOW not TELL the reader how Ava convinced him and it would have taken some time. Because he was quite adamant that he didn't want to do it.

                  This is just one example of a shortcut was taken instead of showing what happened and these shortcuts ruin a great story.

                  Another example.
                  Grandpa says "This gun has enough firepower to penetrate the armor of a tank with one shot. A new invention. You'd be surprised by how much technology has developed in the recent years until now, the year 2031."

                  Why is Grandpa talking to the reader? The characters know what year it is. I assume they know technology has progressed but even so, it would be more like grandpa would say something like "we have these new prototype guns which can shoot through the armour of a tank."
                  I can only guess the reason that grandpa said this was the author didn't want to go to the trouble of explaining the technology of the world and the year. Hence another example of taking shortcuts instead of describing what was happening.

                  Characters - 3/5 The MC has a distinct personality. I was a little confused how she went from demure and pacifist to a stone cold killer.
                  The parents were confusing. I get the "evil" side. But I couldn't make sense of their motivations. They were used as a plot device. And logic be damned. One of my questions is, why did they bother wiping her memories? They could have just jailed her and experimented on her. Why after all that work and time in hiding did they decide, ok we will kill you now you are useless? Now there may be answers to these questions but it wasn't explained. And I am left to assume the parents had a role to play in the story and there was no work done on their goals and motivations.

                  Flow - 3/5 The flow was ok. I was able to understand most of what was happening without re-reading a sentence or paragraph. There were times when I wasn't sure who was talking as there were only quotes with no attribution. The grammar was good in parts and other parts it was particularly bad. And while I am not judging grammar, I am where is affects the flow. In this story it does a few times every chapter.

                  Suggestions: Don't be lazy and take your time to SHOW everything to the reader. You have a great story but the delivery made it hard to receive.

                      Mine: Hero Conspiracy

                      I'll be greedy and ask for a mix between both, Brutal With a touch of humor and constructive to see what I did right and I did wrong.

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