LeeMaRi1999

I feel like your writing is getting to be pretty, but the the clutter makes it harder for it to shine. You tend to use long sentences, and some of them are run ons with independent clauses. You switch way too much between present and past tense.

And I don't mean like:
I was running through the house when she interrupted, breaking my thoughts. (which is cohesive)

More like:
I was running through the house. She interrupts and breaks my thoughts. (this is too jarring)

It seems as if your novel might work better in past tense mostly, and present tense when addressing readers, but keep it cohesive in one paragraph.

      Hi, just skimmed through this post and d*mn you give honest feedback. Anyways, here is my novel. Not too much romance, so hopefully it will not be too boring! It's about Cinderella, but different. The key elements are all there: The Shoe, The Ball, The Prince, The Stepfamily, etc. I made it more realisic and gave it my own twist. Please give it a read!
      https://www.webnovel.com/book/a-cinderella-story---untold-files_18204031106830705

        PatuSen

        One thing I find is that you're not keeping tense consistent.

        If I could copy and past, I would show you what I mean, but basically, you write

        I found... he sits... I came... He was... I forget.

        All in the same paragraph.

        Try to keep tense at least the same in one paragraph. Otherwise you end up with something that's not cohesive.

            PatuSen

            Another thing is that I notice you tend to throw a lot of references, but too many can be a bit distracting. Try to keep it balanced. Not every piece of dialogue needs to have an entire metaphor behind it.

            Writings not bad, I would say it's decent, except for a few idiosyncrasies. The metaphors that you use aren't bad either... they feel very intriguing. If you fix your grammar a bit and keep the tenses more consistent, your writing would be really good. I'm impressed.

                Alexhamane

                first chapter:

                info dump,
                character introduction
                Character characteristic dump instead of introduction,
                Many syntax and capitalization mistakes.

                It seems like you're writing more for a drama then you are for an actual book that people will read. Please remember people partially choose books because they like what you can do with writing that you can't do in other mediums. For movies/shows/dramas, it's cinematography and music and beautiful visuals. For things like comics, it's visuals n cool transitions. For books, it's the writing, the exposition, n the rhythm of every words.

                Try working on your writing. Even if you want to write fast, it would be better to first make your writing look somewhat decent first.

                    AuHNG I have no idea why it is listed as a romance. It is not a romance book. It's fantasy adventure is how I have it as.

                        AuHNG Thank you for your honest thoughts! I really appreciate them. I'll take note of the tenses and work on my writing. Thank you!

                            CodeW

                            I can tell you that the beginning is already quite interesting, not much to say.

                            The writing style is simple, but I'm not really gonna say anything about that.

                              Jiggsaww

                              mc is a gary su and sounds a bit annoying in the first chapter.

                              The intro is also not extremely compelling, and also sounds a bit too meta.

                              ...He introduces the book.

                              the second chapter is borderline not understandable.

                              bunch of characters that aren't described just dumped into a scenario.

                              Readers can't read your mind.

                              some syntax errors

                              the structure of your novel is also weird.

                              You info dump in the beginning, and then switch to someone's pov every chapter.

                              the mc feels obnoxious...

                              you still have cap errors in the latest chapters.

                              Continue writing, I guess. The blurb is ok, tho. MC still sounds... terribly egoistic.

                                  lazy_wanderer

                                  does your synopsis mean she's technically nonbinary? Lol, living as both genders.

                                      lazy_wanderer

                                      the way you describe thing is kinda boring, punctuation and capitalization errors, you're telling too much in the first chapter.

                                      You first chapter seems like an outline more than an actual chapter. The second chapter is better, but certain parts are still clunky.

                                      You have a paragraph in ch 2 that could be sep into more paragraphs, it's too cluttered, talks ab too many things, and has too many tense changes and continuity errors. Going from one thing to another...

                                        well you can say that.
                                        but she does not change much outside except you know...
                                        i have quite fun writing her changes but that chapters are not out yet.

                                          yeah i know i try to improve all that as i go. i always think i am not giving enough info and then end up talking too much. juts like in real life.

                                            takunithecat

                                            good news is that your info dump incorporates well into the first chapter, so there's that, and the writing is pretty good. Setting is established well.

                                            Still, certain parts feel like you're telling the story rather than actually engrossing the readers. 10th paragraph is probs the most jarring, simply because you go from general worldbuilding to focus on two kids and you write: two children could be seen, maybe write "were desperately seen...." instead of "could be seen" to reduce clutter and make it a bit more cohesive.

                                            Check the cohesiveness of the 11th paragraph, think there's a mistake there.

                                            also edit: I realize that it was in fact being told, but I still don't like the 10th paragraph haha.

                                            your novel is really interesting.

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