Chantielu
I read your parts of your novel.
Right now, I won't say the concept isn't interesting, but the writing isn't as developed as it could be. There's no mistakes, but for example, when I read Percy Jackson, which follows a very similar style to your novel and many other light novels that are in first person, I had a better time reading it.
Excerpt:
"Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood.
If you're reading this because you think you might be one, my advice is: close this book right now.
Believe what-ever lie your mom or dad told you about your birth, and try to lead a normal life.
Being a half-blood is dangerous. It's scary. Most of the time, it gets you killed in painful, nasty ways.
If you're a normal kid, reading this because you think it's fiction, great. Read on. I envy you for being
able to believe that none of this ever happened.
But if you recognize yourself in these pages—if you feel something stirring inside—stop reading
immediately. You might be one of us. And once you know that, it's only a mat-ter of time beforethey
sense it too, and they'll come for you.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
My name is Percy Jackson.
I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private
school for troubled kids in upstate New York.
Am I a troubled kid?
Yeah. You could say that.
I could start at any point in my short miserable life to prove it, but things really started going bad last
May, when our sixth-grade class took a field trip to Manhattan— twenty-eight mental-case kids and two
teachers on a yellow school bus, heading to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to look at ancient Greek
Generated b y ABC Amb er LIT Converter, http://w ww.p rocesstext.com/abclit.html
and Roman stuff.
I know—it sounds like torture. Most Yancy field trips were.
But Mr. Brunner, our Latin teacher, was leading this trip, so I had hopes.
Mr. Brunner was this middle-aged guy in a motorized wheelchair. He had thinning hair and a scruffy
beard and a frayed tweed jacket, which always smelled like coffee. You wouldn't think he'd be cool, but
he told stories and jokes and let us play games in class. He also had this awesome collection of Roman
armor and weapons, so he was the only teacher whose class didn't put me to sleep.
I hoped the trip would be okay. At least, I hoped that for once I wouldn't get in trouble.
Boy, was I wrong."
Look how the personality bleeds through. The alternation of one line sentences that show thought, and the longer paragraphs that add description. The opening adds suspense, and the end is foreshadowing.
Your story starts off the same way, but kind of lacks that punch.
