Anotoki

I go back to review all the books in my collection, so I'll comment directly on your book if I see any improvement.

      Title: Wanted Wanters

      Genres: Shounen-Seinen, Action, Comedy, Fantasy-Adventure, Dark, Military

      Synopsis: Want something?
      Just think about it and you shall have it.
      Money, women, power, name it and you shall have it in your grasp.
      Welcome to the World of Wanters.
      Dillon Ainsworth is like any other high school student except he was born with a special ability. One day he meets a mysterious man who knows about his ability after befriending that man he soon finds himself caught in a conflict between two organizations who want to use his ability for their ulterior motives.

      https://www.webnovel.com/book/wanted-wanters_18203162106825905

        PatuSen

        dreamy HeRo

        I CAN't whyyyyyy ahahahHAHFHahef

        the writing is good tho.

            AuHNG

            I'm liking your honest, critical reviews. You don't get that as often anymore. Please read mine if you get the chance! I'm a new and budding author. This book is more so about the complexities of mental health, romance, and the brink of war on the human species. It follows a non- human underdog protagonist and describes his struggles against society and rebellion.

            https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/18765450505913905?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4315044108

                AuHNG

                I'm liking your honest, critical reviews. You don't get that as often anymore. Please read mine if you get the chance! I'm a new and budding author. This book is more so about the complexities of mental health, romance, and the brink of war on the human species. It follows a non- human underdog protagonist and describes his struggles against society and rebellion.

                https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/18765450505913905?utm_source=writerShare&utm_campaign=4315044108

                    LeeMaRi1999

                    blurb is too wordy in a bad way. It sounds like rambling. You need to separate some of the sentences into shorter length.

                    After a certain mermaid was not able to bring herself to kill the prince and dissolved into a foam, she found herself reincarnated as a mermaid spirit in the 21st century in South Korea. She has achieved what she has always wanted, and that is to become a human, but when someone splashes water on her bare feet, she becomes a mermaid. In this life, she found out the evil sea witch's descendant was a man who happened to be able to transform himself from a fisherman's son to a rich businessman and the CEO of the company that she's currently working on. But then, she has to successfully make the prince, whom she vaguely remembers his face, fall in love with her within 100 days to become human again. Chaos arrives when she finds herself torn between the two people who made her life miserable. Will she be able to carry out her mission to make the reincarnated prince fall for her or will she fall in love with one of the two along with the process?

                    After a certain mermaid was not able to bring herself to kill the prince and dissolved into a foam, she found herself reincarnated as a mermaid spirit in the 21st century in South Korea. She has achieved what she has always wanted: to become a human. Still, when someone splashes water on her bare feet, she becomes a mermaid. In this life, she finds (use present here, because blurb) out the evil sea witch's descendant is a man who happens* to be able to transform himself from a fisherman's son to a rich businessman (this part is extremely confusing, happens to be able (is wordy) but it also means something that could happen again, especially the "be able" part, in your context, you're saying that he DID transform himself, which would be better phrased as: She finds out... a man who managed to transform himself (climb the ranks) from a fisherman's son to a rich businessman.

                    He is also the CEO of the company that she's currently working on. Yet, she has to successfully make the prince, whom she vaguely remembers his face (so unnecessarily wordy), fall in love with her within 100 days to become human again. Chaos arrives when she finds herself torn between the two people who made her life miserable. Will she be able to carry out her mission to make the reincarnated prince fall for her or will she fall in love with one of the two along with the process?

                    You have way to many prepositions in the same sentence and some are used incorrectly. You want to use present tense for summary/blurb, and past tense for novels.
                    I might just rewrite this for you:

                    After a certain mermaid fails to kill the prince and tragically dissolves into sea-foam, she finds herself reincarnated in 21st century, South Korea. Finally, she has achieved what she has always wanted: to become a human. Still, whenever someone splashes water on her bare feet, she reverts back into a mermaid. In this life, she finds out that the evil sea witch's descendant is a man who managed to transform himself from a poor, fisherman's son to a rich businessman and the CEO of the company that she currently works for. At the same time, she has to successfully make the prince, whose face she vaguely remembers, fall in love with her. With only 100 days on the clock, she has to find a way to become human again. Chaos ensues when she finds herself torn between the two people who had made her life miserable. Will she be able to carry out her mission to make the reincarnated prince fall for her or will she fall with the evil witch's descendent instead?

                        LeeMaRi1999

                        And I see that the tense changes happen in your novel as well. You go from "I am wearing to I wore", with the entire paragraph mostly in past tense.

                        Present tense is allowed for example when you keep things strictly in present tense, or used in a clause, but when used stand-offishly, it's very awkward. Not to mention, novel convention is to write in past tense, and if you're writing in third person, present tense rarely works well. Present tense is often used poorly.

                        You're writing in first person, which means you can use present tense, but, when present tense is done incorrectly, it's extremely clunky

                            LeeMaRi1999

                            I feel like your writing is getting to be pretty, but the the clutter makes it harder for it to shine. You tend to use long sentences, and some of them are run ons with independent clauses. You switch way too much between present and past tense.

                            And I don't mean like:
                            I was running through the house when she interrupted, breaking my thoughts. (which is cohesive)

                            More like:
                            I was running through the house. She interrupts and breaks my thoughts. (this is too jarring)

                            It seems as if your novel might work better in past tense mostly, and present tense when addressing readers, but keep it cohesive in one paragraph.

                                Hi, just skimmed through this post and d*mn you give honest feedback. Anyways, here is my novel. Not too much romance, so hopefully it will not be too boring! It's about Cinderella, but different. The key elements are all there: The Shoe, The Ball, The Prince, The Stepfamily, etc. I made it more realisic and gave it my own twist. Please give it a read!
                                https://www.webnovel.com/book/a-cinderella-story---untold-files_18204031106830705

                                  PatuSen

                                  One thing I find is that you're not keeping tense consistent.

                                  If I could copy and past, I would show you what I mean, but basically, you write

                                  I found... he sits... I came... He was... I forget.

                                  All in the same paragraph.

                                  Try to keep tense at least the same in one paragraph. Otherwise you end up with something that's not cohesive.

                                      PatuSen

                                      Another thing is that I notice you tend to throw a lot of references, but too many can be a bit distracting. Try to keep it balanced. Not every piece of dialogue needs to have an entire metaphor behind it.

                                      Writings not bad, I would say it's decent, except for a few idiosyncrasies. The metaphors that you use aren't bad either... they feel very intriguing. If you fix your grammar a bit and keep the tenses more consistent, your writing would be really good. I'm impressed.

                                          Alexhamane

                                          first chapter:

                                          info dump,
                                          character introduction
                                          Character characteristic dump instead of introduction,
                                          Many syntax and capitalization mistakes.

                                          It seems like you're writing more for a drama then you are for an actual book that people will read. Please remember people partially choose books because they like what you can do with writing that you can't do in other mediums. For movies/shows/dramas, it's cinematography and music and beautiful visuals. For things like comics, it's visuals n cool transitions. For books, it's the writing, the exposition, n the rhythm of every words.

                                          Try working on your writing. Even if you want to write fast, it would be better to first make your writing look somewhat decent first.

                                              AuHNG I have no idea why it is listed as a romance. It is not a romance book. It's fantasy adventure is how I have it as.

                                                  AuHNG Thank you for your honest thoughts! I really appreciate them. I'll take note of the tenses and work on my writing. Thank you!

                                                      CodeW

                                                      I can tell you that the beginning is already quite interesting, not much to say.

                                                      The writing style is simple, but I'm not really gonna say anything about that.

                                                        Jiggsaww

                                                        mc is a gary su and sounds a bit annoying in the first chapter.

                                                        The intro is also not extremely compelling, and also sounds a bit too meta.

                                                        ...He introduces the book.

                                                        the second chapter is borderline not understandable.

                                                        bunch of characters that aren't described just dumped into a scenario.

                                                        Readers can't read your mind.

                                                        some syntax errors

                                                        the structure of your novel is also weird.

                                                        You info dump in the beginning, and then switch to someone's pov every chapter.

                                                        the mc feels obnoxious...

                                                        you still have cap errors in the latest chapters.

                                                        Continue writing, I guess. The blurb is ok, tho. MC still sounds... terribly egoistic.

                                                            lazy_wanderer

                                                            does your synopsis mean she's technically nonbinary? Lol, living as both genders.

                                                                lazy_wanderer

                                                                the way you describe thing is kinda boring, punctuation and capitalization errors, you're telling too much in the first chapter.

                                                                You first chapter seems like an outline more than an actual chapter. The second chapter is better, but certain parts are still clunky.

                                                                You have a paragraph in ch 2 that could be sep into more paragraphs, it's too cluttered, talks ab too many things, and has too many tense changes and continuity errors. Going from one thing to another...

                                                                  well you can say that.
                                                                  but she does not change much outside except you know...
                                                                  i have quite fun writing her changes but that chapters are not out yet.

                                                                    yeah i know i try to improve all that as i go. i always think i am not giving enough info and then end up talking too much. juts like in real life.

                                                                      takunithecat

                                                                      good news is that your info dump incorporates well into the first chapter, so there's that, and the writing is pretty good. Setting is established well.

                                                                      Still, certain parts feel like you're telling the story rather than actually engrossing the readers. 10th paragraph is probs the most jarring, simply because you go from general worldbuilding to focus on two kids and you write: two children could be seen, maybe write "were desperately seen...." instead of "could be seen" to reduce clutter and make it a bit more cohesive.

                                                                      Check the cohesiveness of the 11th paragraph, think there's a mistake there.

                                                                      also edit: I realize that it was in fact being told, but I still don't like the 10th paragraph haha.

                                                                      your novel is really interesting.

                                                                          thanks for the honesty really . sometimes people are embarrassed to do that.
                                                                          will try to take your advices into consideration really thank you sensei. >.<

                                                                          AuHNG Hello, thank you for your review! It's my first time trying to write so I don't really know how to Ahah. I even stop at some point it's been months since I have stopped to write.... Any way many thanks for taking the time to read!!

                                                                              AuHNG Oh yeah, did you comment once on a paragraph? I think I remember seeing your username

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