Here goes nothing. My first ever Webnovel
Title: Abused Yet Indestructible Princess
Genre: Fantasy (female lead)
Synopsis: All her life Summer wished for her wolf so that she could exact revenge and escape her monster mom.
However , upon meeting Sunny everything changes. Unbeknownst to her, Meeting her wolf brings upon her a tremendous responsibility that requires great amounts of forgiveness, empathy and compassion. " So you're saying that by embracing it, I've gotta forgive them and still remember everything?"
"Si mi niña. That takes tremendous courage. It's a choice to live in the present even if the past hurts. it's a decision to progress and not remain a puppet of your past "
Idowu_Mutiu I read a little bit of your novel, and every paragraph is one sentence for some reason. Also, some words are misspelled or just the wrong words to use in the context. Please work on grammar. I can't really give a good critique of the story if I can't understand what's going on.
Just for future reference if anyone is looking for an honest review: I've been getting busy lately, so I'll only read your novel if it's formatted properly and has good grammar.
Idowu_Mutiu
I agree with Epyonn, it is very hard to read. First the structure of your paragraph is too dense. And I'm reading on a laptop. Imagine readers who read on a smartphone. With such small screens, you're downright sure that it's gonna be suffocating to read.
Added to that the fact that you barely... nop actually you have just one full stop in one paragraph. So here are some suggestions:
Break down your paragraphs into three or four lines on a laptop screen. If you can make a huge ass paragraph but there need to be a purpose for it.
Use more full stops to separate your sentences. Commas, semi-colons, and emdashes are great and all but cannot bring the relief/breath of fresh air and separation of ideas that full stops do.
Careful about the tense you use. Past tense and present tense are mixed up. Stick to either past tense or present tense.
That's it from me. I just developed a bit of what Epyonn said to help clarify some of it.
Mayemura
Hi, so I got real quickly into your first chap and you got the same issue as our comrade one post above this one.
Your paragraphs are too dense. Break them up and you'll see an immediate improvement in your book structure. As for dialogs, try to distinguish them from actual descriptions by jumping lines.
Eg:
I'm sorry for doing this but I don't like to see what I'm seeing. Please at least reply to d_elfe who took the time to make an honest review of your first chapter.
If necessary, I'll make a list of people who do not uphold their promises and write it down on the first post of this thread. In other words a blacklist. I'd really hate to do that and play police but if that's what it takes to avoid UNFAIRNESS, I will do it.
So please, at least do respond to her. This doesn't apply only to you but to other people tempted to cheat their way out of a review SWAPP. If you agreed beforehand with the other party to not SWAPP, then it's fine.
I hope you don't take this personally. I know you might just be busy somewhere else but I'll be honest, you do seem suspicious by making so many promises then disappear afterward.
Can I have it as well? Recently, I rewrote mine because some readers were confused/had no idea what was going on... and that was a bad sign. I thought it was better to redo it while it was still early. I just wanted to know if I removed that or at least, minimized it.
But I can't do some detailed reviews... , so maybe... 7-day PS as a payment? Maybe, even two weeks.
Synopsis: His friend kills him, then he reincarnates to another world, or the familiar phrase, "I got isekai'd". After the crisis, he finds out he's now a vampire bishoujo, a cute girl, but he doesn't have that hole... hmm, that "hole".
However, there are reasons for that. The secrets behind his existence can—
"So, you want to know why we're sexless beings? Instead, question me, all of us, including you; what are the origins of our existence? Who are we?"
The cover photo is not mine. Credits to the artist.
Source: Pinterest - Warfarin, Arknights.
Yoan_Roturier Thanks. I guess she's busy because she didn't return yet to this post, but I'm glad I'm not forgotten, especially since I really take time for reviews.
d_elfe, Of course, you can suggest me, the more the merrier! After some reviews from you seniors, I realised that it was my first chapter which was creating a bad impression of my hard work. Since I am enjoying writing my work and got to know where things have gone wrong, now I can write more confidently! Thank you so much!!!
I don't know why but whenever you guys give me honest reviews, my excitement increases after each review!!! Ok now I have to do this, I have to do that, Woah!! This was a bit unexpected but still I am enjoying!
@Dedz_ I've read five chapters of your novel, and I'm left with one question: what the heck is going on??
1. As Bland as Over-Cooked Chicken Without Any Seasoning
You tend to put a ridiculous amount of useless detail. I'm okay with waxing poetic every now and then, but most of your descriptions are bland and repetitive, sometimes even completely pointless.
Just like you, I also make the mistake of listing out descriptions. I've been trying to get out of that habit, but creating a vivid scene is an art that takes lots of practice. The best way to get better at it is to read more books and expand your vocabulary.
For vocabulary, I used to do this thing where I would read a book and look out for words that I didn't know, and then I would make a note of them. For example take this excerpt from the fan-translated first volume of Fate/Strange Fake, taken from HumbertoZero's Tumblr:
"A cleft.
That city, rising from the darkness of the surrounding hinterland, was certainly worthy of
being called a “cleft”.
It was not a disjunctive barrier, of the kind that might separate day from night; light from
darkness. Rather, it was a harmonious barrier, one that demarcated a boundary between things
of the same ilk. That was the strange thing about the city of Snowfield."
This is only the beginning of the volume, but it does such an amazing job of describing the city of Snowfield. Immediately, I spotted the words "hinterland," "disjunctive," "demarcated," and "ilk." I know none of these words, so I would look up their definitions and write them in a journal or in my phone notes. Then, I would write a sentence using that word. It sounds like some boring English class exercise, but trust me when I say that it really helps with vocabulary. I don't do it as much anymore since it sometimes takes me away from the reading, but it's helpful.
2. Fluffy Fluff Fluffs
Attention span is limited, so make sure everything in your story is necessary. I'm not sure how many words your first chapter is, but I can sum it up pretty quickly.
A dove flies into a palace, and we meet a queen who wakes up from her sleep. Then, the main character wakes up, realizing it was just a dream.
You spend such an enormous time describing the dove and the palace, but what was the point? Is there any significance to the dream? When I finished the chapter I was left feeling like that John Travolta meme where he looks around confused.
The same thing happens with the later chapters where you go on such long tangents describing stuff.
I'm a simple man; just get to the point.
As Shakespeare wrote, "Brevity is the soul of the wit."
3. I Got Reincarnated as a Genderless Vampire Loli
I'll be straight with you, the main character is pretty run-of-the-mill. He doesn't do anything that grabs my attention.
Sure, he gets brutally murdered, but why? And how? He gets reincarnated as a genderless vampire loli, but why? And how? Who the heck is this dragon? What is that random voice that started speaking? Where is the main character's hole? What is going on?
In a sense, it feels like you just slapped together a bunch of random plot points without any direction in mind. I'm sure most of this stuff will get explained in the future, but as of now, I'm left so utterly dumbfounded that I just have to sit back and contemplate life. On top of that, I don't even have any remote interest in the main character, which makes everything doubly uninteresting.
I assume that the first couple of chapters were meant to develop the main character and get to know him, but he just talks a little with his friend and other fluff. The story wouldn't change if you skipped to the reincarnation because at the moment there's no significance to La suddenly killing Bai.
Of course, everyone writes differently, but I suggest planning out your novel. It doesn't have to be anything crazy detailed, but at least make some notes for what you plan to do. "Discovery Writers" like Stephen King who barely do any planning can get away with it because they have practiced so much. King is a masterful storyteller who has spent years honing his craft.
I'm not saying your writing is terrible, I'm just saying that you tried to pack too much stuff. It's like make a burger, but adding ice cream, fried eggplants, and pencil leads into it.
In short, when you read through your novel, ask yourself the question: does this make sense?
That's about it. I hope my advice helped you, and feel free to ask any more questions.
Thanks, man, for pointing out my flaws that I'm unaware of! You're right, I should cut and simplify the descriptions. About the vocabulary, well, forgive me. I only use the words I'm familiar with.
I do have an outline until the end, but I still need to know how to deliver and connect them well.
About that dream, it can be an indication of future events, but not exactly this dream should be happening. It can be another way around or can be a lie. About MC's friend… well, I can't spoil her. Way too far for the storyline. I can't just state a single line in the 2nd chapter that this should be happening in the future. The two demon ladies should be a hint that something was going on or perhaps that random explosion on the planet's south pole. Maybe, I lack sentences about these things. I'll work this out.
Also same goes for the dragon, I can't state who exactly she is nor her history, that would be an info dump(I think). I wanted to this character full of questions like, "Who is she? Is she a dark lord in disguise? Maybe, she works in the maid cafe? What's her deal? Why is she teasing the MC?" Still, I need a craft and practice to deliver this well.
As for the MC… let's make him ordinary for a moment.
Once again, thanks, man! This is what I want to hear from others' opinions whether what I write is "ok" or not. Just as I promised, I'll pay you with powerstones .
Yoan_Roturier No worries !
So where does the pseudo come from ? Are you french ? I've not known a lot of people with sufficient self deprecative skills to call themselves Roturier :D
d_elfe
Lol... you wanna know the story behind my pen name?
Very simple, I wanted something that blends. What's better for that than to be part of the crowd and not the nobility, thus Roturier.
Yes, I'm French. But I won't use that language here since it's an English forum.
Glad to meet another French author here. wave
Do enjoy your stay.
Lol... deprecative skills... does that have something to do with the name Roturier? That's not even my real last name hahaha. "I just HATE unfairness."
Dedz_ Yeah, I can see that you do have a purpose for everything that you put, but the story jumps from one thing to the next, and there doesn't feel like much of a logical progression. I feel that the over-description might the main reason, but try to focus on telling things from the main character's perspective. You don't want to shift from multiple perspective too much.
For example, I don't think it's necessary to include too many of the dragon's thoughts. Same thing with La in the beginning. You're writing in third-person omniscient, but keep in mind that if you hop between too many characters' heads, things start to get convoluted. Make sure that you only describe the most crucial of character thoughts. I forgot to point out this thing in my initial critique.
If you want to keep the dream inside the story, then that's fine. Personally, I don't have too many qualms about dreams in stories as long as they provide some value, and as long as they aren't too long.
Google is paying $27485 to $29658 consistently for taking a shot at the web from home. I joined this action 2 months back and I have earned $31547 in my first month from this action. I can say my life has improved completely! Take a gander at what I do...............http://Works71.cf/
@half_blinde There isn't much to the story, so I'll give a critique on what you got so far.
1. Mystic Eyes of Exposition
As much as I hate exposition, it's a necessary evil if you want the reader to understand the story. The trick is to balance the deadly line between not-enough-information and too-much-information at a single time.
You put a brief explanation of Occulos as an auxiliary chapter but don't rely on that as your sole way of communicating the magic system. Always assume that people haven't read that chapter.
Also, the auxiliary chapter doesn't answer everything about the magic system. What can people do with magic? What can people not do? Are there any limitations? Does magic affect the economy? Does it affect the jobs that people have? Since it's an auxiliary chapter, it's fine to go ham with an entire wall of exposition, but make sure that you still convey everything within the story itself.
Even though the story is only two chapters thus far, but you should have given at least a little idea of what magic can do. You also didn't explain what "aer" is. I can infer, but when it comes to magic systems, the reader's enjoyment is directly proportional to how much they understand the magic (loosely paraphrasing Brandon Sanderson).
The opening scene of Lilith dying could be much more impactful if the Magenta-eyed guy used some crazy magic. Spectacular fight scenes are one of the bests ways to open a novel.
2. Greeeeeeease
I'm sure have a good reason for making the title Grease, but I immediately thought about that one '70s movie with John Travolta when I saw your novel. If possible, try to avoid naming conflicts. This is mainly a minor thing to avoid confusion.
Also, your novel is labeled as a fantasy romance...? So is it like Beauty and Beast, but Beauty and the Cyan Cat? I thought your novel was a revenge thriller.
3. Reincarnated as a __________
We've got Reincarnated as a Slime, Reincarnated as a Spider, and Reincarnated as a War General Loli. Now, we've got Reincarnated as a...Cyan Cat...?
Reincarnation has become so saturated that most novels will have to have some sort of twist if they want to make sales. In your case, that twist is being reincarnated as a cyan cat. But why? You might have a good reason that you'll reveal later in the plot, but as of now, I'm left thinking that the concept is pretty dumb (no offense).
I don't want to bash on the concept too hard because I don't want you to rewrite your whole novel if you can avoid it. But, it's still in its early stages, so fixing up some stuff shouldn't be too much of an issue.
Also, this is a personal nitpick of mine, but I hate it when reincarnation happens for no reason. This doesn't always mean the story is bad per se. For instance, I really enjoyed "Mushoku Tensei." Still, I'm having trouble figuring out how you'll make a cohesive revenge thriller from the perspective of a cat. You can always prove me wrong, of course, and blow me away with an amazing plot, but it would make more sense if the reader knew why Lilith is now a cat.
3. Two-sentence Synopsis
Your synopsis is too short. You've successfully established the main character and the main conflict, but not the setting. Try to give some more background information. I put a link at the bottom for help if you want.
4. Empty Room Syndrome
When you don't give enough information on the setting of a scene, the reader will end up imagining an empty room. That's what I "Empty Room Syndrome." In your case, it's more of an "Empty Worldbuilding Syndrome." I have no idea about the world's technology, society, architecture, and all that stuff.
Of course, you only have two chapters, but at least describe what time period this is. If you don't establish the time period, some people might imagine it as a classic fantasy world, while others will view it as a modern-day society. As of now, I can't tell which what your novel is, but the main character mentioned a "hidden-camera prank," so I assume the technology is modern.
Epyonnn Thank you so much for this critique. A lot of my issues really stem from wanting to uncover the world, but in good pacing and less info-dumping, so exposition is a bit tough for me. The title, the reincarnation, the magic system are all explained in due time, but as you can see, I'm not great with clocks, haha...
I also appreciate the reference material, and I'll improve the synopsis and worldbuilding. Again, thank you for the advice!
Hi beautiful people! I would love an honest review on my novel to see where I can improve and any way I can elevate my story. Thank you for even considering to review my story! Here are the details:
Devil Child
Fantasy, Action, Adventure
Autistic and alone, Noe begins a new life at a mysterious school. Trapped in a sea of faceless people, prejudice, and pain, he has no choice but to learn to coincide with evil. In the small town of Westville, at a school erected within the heart of chaos, the incredible power that Noe possesses is awakened.
Hi folks, how you doing. It's going to be interesting to know how can I improve this book as well. I truly hope you'll give me an honest review. https://www.webnovel.com/book/future-world-orders_20191126305771305
Synopsis:
Seth, a teenager, gets caught in an invasion incident in his hometown. Losing his family and his home, he has nowhere to return nor a way to survive. Unfortunately, he gets caught in a massive explosion and getting pinched in a ruined building which trapped him alive. An army unit passes by and saved him right before he meets his maker. Later on, he gets used by a scientist as his experiment subject illegally. After those scientists rewrite his memory, he decides to join the military and serves where he lives without knowing the truth.
Hi, guys. I literally started just a couple of hours ago with my first 2 chapters and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. It's only 2 chapters as I've sent this but I would like an honest review of the writing I've done so far since not much of the story has been fleshed out yet and I'm still trying to introduce the characters. Thank you!
Title: Transmigrated Mind
Genre: Fantasy (Magic and whatnot)
Synopsis:
Here I am again, stuck in the darkness of my own room. Surrounded by thoughts that has been plaguing my mind since the day I've decided to drop out of college. Yes, that's me. John Colton. A 28 year old college dropout now leeching off his parents, refusing to make a living on his own. But no, this isn't a story about how useless of a son I am. No... This is the story of the time where I got lost in my mind and got transported to another world. A world where magic and mythical beings exist.
Praefactuss
Well first of all why is your synopsis the same as your first paragraph? They should not be the same. Second of all, your paragraph is far far too big and chunky. You should make new paragraphs every time someone new is talking for instance. As it is now, your whole story looks extremely confusing and hard to read. Also, don't use * to symbolise thought. It looks extremely weird. You can try using ' for thought and " for speech if necessary. B
@SEP1A I've read up to chapter 9. Here are my thoughts:
1. Footnotes
Don't completely rely on footnotes to give exposition. Always assume that readers skip over it.
For something as important as Veren, you should give some information about why Noe named it that and what it is within the chapter itself. If you leave the definition at the bottom, the reader will be confused until they reach the end of the chapter.
Same thing with Gremlin, but you really only need a small sentence to describe that.
For stuff like autism and nehruma, it's fine because most people already know what autism is, and not knowing the meaning of nehruma doesn't really affect the story.
2. Roundabout Wording
For the most part, your prose is quite good, but there are some points where you tend to describe things in too much of a roundabout way.
For example, in chapter five, when you described the showers, I initially thought Noe and Eris were in a cave, and there was a waterfall. Try to be a little more literal, so the setting won't be too confusing to visualize.
3. Scene Breaks
There are a few places where the scene completely changes, having a different time and location.
Most notably, in the second chapter, "Warmth," you wrote, "'We'll be fine on our own,' she clutches Noe's burning hand."
After that, the scene shifts into Allery bullying Noe. Keep in mind that if you put extra spaces between paragraphs, webnovel will automatically delete those in the published chapter. Try using asterisks or dashes to indicate scene breaks and avoid confusion.
4. Abdormal
At first, I thought it a misspelling, but then I read the paragraph comments.
Make sure that you actually say in the story that there's a reason why Allery says that. For example, one of his buddies could point out the error, but Allery snaps at the other guy, saying that "abdormal" is the correct spelling or something like that.
You can't just write a spelling error and expect readers to infer that it reflects the speaker's character.
5. Blank Faces
I'm having a hard time differentiating Lancaster and Terry in my head. I can visualize Bodhi, Eris, and the other characters because they have defining features, but Lancaster and Terry blend into the same person in my mind.
Try to give them some defining characteristics that you mention every now and then, just like Bodhi's glasses.
6. Synopsis
It needs some work. Try to explain some of the magical aspects of your story and the main conflict.
The prelude sets the tone for a post-apocalyptic sci-fi story with a hint of thriller and military. But then, the story shifts into a fantasy school with magic, ghosts, and monsters.
An easy fix would be to mention the fantastical elements in your prelude, or you could cut it altogether since it wouldn't affect the story that much if you sprinkle in some exposition about the world.
Epyonnn Thank you so much for your in-depth review. You've given me extremely helpful points; I cherish them. I'll see what I can do about each and every one of the improvements you brought up. Once again, thank you for your time and effort!
SEP1A this is a little thing I forgot to mention, but past tense is the standard for almost all novels these days. Though, I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want to go through your entire novel to change every single verb.
Epyonnn I also considered tense when coming up with my story. By not making my story first person point of view, I believed making it present tense would restore a semblance of the intimacy I sacrificed. In your opinion, do you think this still holds true or would sticking to industry standard be more important? I only care about producing the best narrative possible for Noe’s life.
Loading...
Something went wrong while trying to load the full version of this site. Try hard-refreshing this page to fix the error.
, so maybe... 7-day PS as a payment? Maybe, even two weeks.
.
