Yoan_Roturier Thanks. I guess she's busy because she didn't return yet to this post, but I'm glad I'm not forgotten, especially since I really take time for reviews.

Cheers !
PS: I'm a she :D

d_elfe, Of course, you can suggest me, the more the merrier! After some reviews from you seniors, I realised that it was my first chapter which was creating a bad impression of my hard work. Since I am enjoying writing my work and got to know where things have gone wrong, now I can write more confidently! Thank you so much!!!

I don't know why but whenever you guys give me honest reviews, my excitement increases after each review!!! Ok now I have to do this, I have to do that, Woah!! This was a bit unexpected but still I am enjoying!

Epyonnn thanks, I'll work on it

Dedz_ I'll give it a read. I see Arknights, and my neurons activate.

Epyonnn Thanks in advance, man! I'm waiting for it, and take your time.

@Dedz_ I've read five chapters of your novel, and I'm left with one question: what the heck is going on??

1. As Bland as Over-Cooked Chicken Without Any Seasoning

You tend to put a ridiculous amount of useless detail. I'm okay with waxing poetic every now and then, but most of your descriptions are bland and repetitive, sometimes even completely pointless.

Just like you, I also make the mistake of listing out descriptions. I've been trying to get out of that habit, but creating a vivid scene is an art that takes lots of practice. The best way to get better at it is to read more books and expand your vocabulary.

For vocabulary, I used to do this thing where I would read a book and look out for words that I didn't know, and then I would make a note of them. For example take this excerpt from the fan-translated first volume of Fate/Strange Fake, taken from HumbertoZero's Tumblr:

"A cleft.
That city, rising from the darkness of the surrounding hinterland, was certainly worthy of
being called a “cleft”.
It was not a disjunctive barrier, of the kind that might separate day from night; light from
darkness. Rather, it was a harmonious barrier, one that demarcated a boundary between things
of the same ilk. That was the strange thing about the city of Snowfield."

This is only the beginning of the volume, but it does such an amazing job of describing the city of Snowfield. Immediately, I spotted the words "hinterland," "disjunctive," "demarcated," and "ilk." I know none of these words, so I would look up their definitions and write them in a journal or in my phone notes. Then, I would write a sentence using that word. It sounds like some boring English class exercise, but trust me when I say that it really helps with vocabulary. I don't do it as much anymore since it sometimes takes me away from the reading, but it's helpful.

2. Fluffy Fluff Fluffs

Attention span is limited, so make sure everything in your story is necessary. I'm not sure how many words your first chapter is, but I can sum it up pretty quickly.

A dove flies into a palace, and we meet a queen who wakes up from her sleep. Then, the main character wakes up, realizing it was just a dream.

You spend such an enormous time describing the dove and the palace, but what was the point? Is there any significance to the dream? When I finished the chapter I was left feeling like that John Travolta meme where he looks around confused.

The same thing happens with the later chapters where you go on such long tangents describing stuff.

I'm a simple man; just get to the point.

As Shakespeare wrote, "Brevity is the soul of the wit."

3. I Got Reincarnated as a Genderless Vampire Loli

I'll be straight with you, the main character is pretty run-of-the-mill. He doesn't do anything that grabs my attention.

Sure, he gets brutally murdered, but why? And how? He gets reincarnated as a genderless vampire loli, but why? And how? Who the heck is this dragon? What is that random voice that started speaking? Where is the main character's hole? What is going on?

In a sense, it feels like you just slapped together a bunch of random plot points without any direction in mind. I'm sure most of this stuff will get explained in the future, but as of now, I'm left so utterly dumbfounded that I just have to sit back and contemplate life. On top of that, I don't even have any remote interest in the main character, which makes everything doubly uninteresting.

I assume that the first couple of chapters were meant to develop the main character and get to know him, but he just talks a little with his friend and other fluff. The story wouldn't change if you skipped to the reincarnation because at the moment there's no significance to La suddenly killing Bai.

Of course, everyone writes differently, but I suggest planning out your novel. It doesn't have to be anything crazy detailed, but at least make some notes for what you plan to do. "Discovery Writers" like Stephen King who barely do any planning can get away with it because they have practiced so much. King is a masterful storyteller who has spent years honing his craft.

I'm not saying your writing is terrible, I'm just saying that you tried to pack too much stuff. It's like make a burger, but adding ice cream, fried eggplants, and pencil leads into it.

In short, when you read through your novel, ask yourself the question: does this make sense?

That's about it. I hope my advice helped you, and feel free to ask any more questions.

d_elfe
You're welcome.

AAAAh! Damn... I'm... sorry about the gender thing...

Yoan_Roturier Thank you. It's my first time and am glad you gave me an honest opinion. I will do as you said

Yoan_Roturier Thank you. It's my first time and am glad you gave me an honest opinion. I will do as you said

Hello! I'm hoping for a good, honest review on the few chapters I have. If you want a "review swap", please reply with such. Thank you!

Title: Grease
Genre: Fantasy/Murder Mystery
Synopsis: Lilith Mauwa is suddenly murdered by a mysteriously vengeful man.

Reincarnated as a cyan cat, now with the alias Leah May, she works to uncover the truth behind her murder, and get revenge.
Link:https://www.webnovel.com/book/grease_20428770005194905

Yoan_Roturier No worries !
So where does the pseudo come from ? Are you french ? I've not known a lot of people with sufficient self deprecative skills to call themselves Roturier :D

Dedz_ Yeah, I can see that you do have a purpose for everything that you put, but the story jumps from one thing to the next, and there doesn't feel like much of a logical progression. I feel that the over-description might the main reason, but try to focus on telling things from the main character's perspective. You don't want to shift from multiple perspective too much.

For example, I don't think it's necessary to include too many of the dragon's thoughts. Same thing with La in the beginning. You're writing in third-person omniscient, but keep in mind that if you hop between too many characters' heads, things start to get convoluted. Make sure that you only describe the most crucial of character thoughts. I forgot to point out this thing in my initial critique.

If you want to keep the dream inside the story, then that's fine. Personally, I don't have too many qualms about dreams in stories as long as they provide some value, and as long as they aren't too long.

half_blinde I'll give it a read

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Genre - lgbtq female leading
Chap - 11 right now.

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@half_blinde There isn't much to the story, so I'll give a critique on what you got so far.

1. Mystic Eyes of Exposition

As much as I hate exposition, it's a necessary evil if you want the reader to understand the story. The trick is to balance the deadly line between not-enough-information and too-much-information at a single time.

You put a brief explanation of Occulos as an auxiliary chapter but don't rely on that as your sole way of communicating the magic system. Always assume that people haven't read that chapter.

Also, the auxiliary chapter doesn't answer everything about the magic system. What can people do with magic? What can people not do? Are there any limitations? Does magic affect the economy? Does it affect the jobs that people have? Since it's an auxiliary chapter, it's fine to go ham with an entire wall of exposition, but make sure that you still convey everything within the story itself.

Even though the story is only two chapters thus far, but you should have given at least a little idea of what magic can do. You also didn't explain what "aer" is. I can infer, but when it comes to magic systems, the reader's enjoyment is directly proportional to how much they understand the magic (loosely paraphrasing Brandon Sanderson).

The opening scene of Lilith dying could be much more impactful if the Magenta-eyed guy used some crazy magic. Spectacular fight scenes are one of the bests ways to open a novel.

2. Greeeeeeease

I'm sure have a good reason for making the title Grease, but I immediately thought about that one '70s movie with John Travolta when I saw your novel. If possible, try to avoid naming conflicts. This is mainly a minor thing to avoid confusion.

Also, your novel is labeled as a fantasy romance...? So is it like Beauty and Beast, but Beauty and the Cyan Cat? I thought your novel was a revenge thriller.

3. Reincarnated as a __________

We've got Reincarnated as a Slime, Reincarnated as a Spider, and Reincarnated as a War General Loli. Now, we've got Reincarnated as a...Cyan Cat...?

Reincarnation has become so saturated that most novels will have to have some sort of twist if they want to make sales. In your case, that twist is being reincarnated as a cyan cat. But why? You might have a good reason that you'll reveal later in the plot, but as of now, I'm left thinking that the concept is pretty dumb (no offense).

I don't want to bash on the concept too hard because I don't want you to rewrite your whole novel if you can avoid it. But, it's still in its early stages, so fixing up some stuff shouldn't be too much of an issue.

Also, this is a personal nitpick of mine, but I hate it when reincarnation happens for no reason. This doesn't always mean the story is bad per se. For instance, I really enjoyed "Mushoku Tensei." Still, I'm having trouble figuring out how you'll make a cohesive revenge thriller from the perspective of a cat. You can always prove me wrong, of course, and blow me away with an amazing plot, but it would make more sense if the reader knew why Lilith is now a cat.

3. Two-sentence Synopsis

Your synopsis is too short. You've successfully established the main character and the main conflict, but not the setting. Try to give some more background information. I put a link at the bottom for help if you want.

4. Empty Room Syndrome

When you don't give enough information on the setting of a scene, the reader will end up imagining an empty room. That's what I "Empty Room Syndrome." In your case, it's more of an "Empty Worldbuilding Syndrome." I have no idea about the world's technology, society, architecture, and all that stuff.

Of course, you only have two chapters, but at least describe what time period this is. If you don't establish the time period, some people might imagine it as a classic fantasy world, while others will view it as a modern-day society. As of now, I can't tell which what your novel is, but the main character mentioned a "hidden-camera prank," so I assume the technology is modern.

Reference material:

This is extra stuff to help you out:

Exposition:

Writing a blurb/synopsis: https://blog.reedsy.com/write-blurb-novel/

Epyonnn Thank you so much for this critique. A lot of my issues really stem from wanting to uncover the world, but in good pacing and less info-dumping, so exposition is a bit tough for me. The title, the reincarnation, the magic system are all explained in due time, but as you can see, I'm not great with clocks, haha...

I also appreciate the reference material, and I'll improve the synopsis and worldbuilding. Again, thank you for the advice!

Hi beautiful people! I would love an honest review on my novel to see where I can improve and any way I can elevate my story. Thank you for even considering to review my story! Here are the details:

Devil Child

Fantasy, Action, Adventure

Autistic and alone, Noe begins a new life at a mysterious school. Trapped in a sea of faceless people, prejudice, and pain, he has no choice but to learn to coincide with evil. In the small town of Westville, at a school erected within the heart of chaos, the incredible power that Noe possesses is awakened.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/devil-child_19990523105255605