Apophis9 I checked some chapters. The story seems promising. Magic and so on. You have some problems with grammar like me hahaha. Maybe your story is to fast paced sometimes. At least first 4 chapters make me think like this. I will try to read the more chapters and update review but my free time is running out and I need to write some chapters of my own story.

    ValentinaKhan Let's call it quits for now and settle for not interacting with one another. Some of what you pointed out is indeed useful, other parts are what I'd define as your personal opinion. My chapters do need some editing, having gone through none so far, but I don't feel like this discussion is going to be constructive in any way. Have a pleasant day.

        ValentinaKhan

        Bro, reading through your amendments. I am of the opinion that many aspiring writers can definitely gain a helpful perspective from trying to decipher your analysis. I believe many writers value such things.

        That said, I have an overriding fear of recommending my own novel for your tender review. I have nothing against the substance of your review, the packaging gives me the ecstatic highs though.

        Just something to consider. *Wears thick armor, helmet, greaves and round shield.

            Jamison_C

            Here you go:

            The Prologue was simply unbearable, why on earth you thought it was a good idea to write a wall of text of direct dialogue with no dialogue tags and no description?

            So I moved to chapter 1. Let’s say the prologue never existed.

            A man in radiant armor [radiant means “Sending out light; shining or glowing brightly.” Is an enchanted armor? If yes describe it as such, otherwise change adjective or cut it if the state of the armor in not important plot wise.] adorned with Suanni motifs [I looked for this Suanni in all the published chapters with Ctrl+F, never found again. Really? What the hell is a suanni motif? Describe if relevant or cut it.] rode through the spatial gate. [Again, describe things! This gates are relevant to the story right? They are used as primary mean of travel I suppose, right? Then give them a bit of love and give us a concrete image of them.] As he surveyed his surroundings, his pupils flared with the light of the sun. Celestial energy swirled around the man as a majestic aura emanated from him. [I won’t imagine celestial energy and majestic aura, it’s your job to make me see them both. If I need to imagine everything myself I could just stare at a blank page. The only thing I imagine now is him going around glowing like a Christmas tree. Are we sure it’s a good thing to make him glow like that? His pupils...light of the sun is horrible.]

            An ornate indigo scabbard hung at the man's side with the insignia of three leaves carved upon it. [One noun, one adjective. No more. So cut ornate, and then cut indigo as well. Why? because you describe the scabbard in the next part of the same sentence.] Detracting from this image was a very normal looking sword handle. Unadorned and plain but giving off an aura of being well-cared for. [Normal looking is lazy writing, and again we have an “aura”...You want to express that despite having a rich scabbard the sword inside is ,at first sight, cheaper but still loved by his owner? Then you should write something like “From the scabbard sticked out a hilt with an iron guard and pommel, and a worn out wooden grip that the man stroked while walking.” It’s not the best but take note that I used the specific terms to refer to a “sword handle”.]

            As the troops finished transitioning [transitioning because they are using a spatial gate, right? Too bad you never described this spatial gate or how it works.], many of them bowed in the man's direction before heading to their positions. [Not even in absolutist France soldiers bowed to kings and princes while on duty, they did a salute. It’s like “sword handle” instead of hilt, you need to research things out before writing.]

                When I improve my writing to the godly level I will ask Demon lord to write me a review. I don't think mentally ready for this. It's like getting a test result in high school and the entire sheet is red. You used 500 times this word during the last 20 chapters hahaha. That would happen to me. I think XD My vocabulary is too limited for such an assessment.

                  I will love it if you (have the time and the motivation) to review my novel. As it is a new one I want to try to upgrade it, I mean if there is some really big "mistake" I can correct it while it's still the beginning you know ?

                  anyway :
                  https://www.webnovel.com/book/12329032005277505/Raising-Child-System

                  will be very thankful if someone else can review it :)

                  I read some of you review and I would really like it if you can review mine too svp ValentinaKhan

                  ps : to be honest I am finding my own novel too typical and boring, so much that I am asking myself : is it worth it to continue writing it or is it better to give it up...anyway

                      Klays2909

                      I wake up and slowly open my eyes. [Adverbs are most of the time useless and sometimes laughable, like the infamous “running quickly”. Cut it.] I am in a dark room who is mmm [sigh] kinda creepy. It seems to not have been used for the past last years. [Show me this room in a dilapidated house. How? Using the five senses. Even in a pitch black condition our protagonist could be laying down on the floor and feel the wooden boards covered in dust with his fingertips or smell the stench of mold in the air.]

                      " Where am I" I ask system [The dialogue tag is useless in First Person POV when “I” is speaking].

                      " host you're in an abandoned house! [If you made a description of the room before, now the system will look like an idiot. If you want the system as an idiot then is a good thing, otherwise cut it. This may even help you to write a better dialogue like “Host! You’re in an abandoned house!” “Thank you, Captain Obvious. Are you running on Windows Vista?” “You big meanie! sadface.png”.] First let me transfer you the data of this world " [Not a fan of the data transferring thing, looks like our protagonist gets plugged in somewhere with a USB device. This open also the door to a lot of infodump like you can see in next paragraphs. Why not use the system as a quest giver but without much foreshadowing? Maybe it is a moron, maybe it is an antagonist.]

                      Last thing.
                      You use “...” and even «...». You need to choose one and stick with it.
                      Also, if you need to talk to communicate with the system this can be a problem. People who are caught talking with beings nobody else see usually end up in only two ways: in a mental ward or leading the armies of the King of France.

                        ValentinaKhan

                        Thanks for the review. Ima take some heart meds before I digest it.

                        Just a random thought of mine,

                        After reading through your first amendments , I thought that it would be pretty cool if I could hire you as an editor if I had the resources <--- blatant and bald recruitment.

                        Anyway. thanks for taking the time out to review my work and the apparent mercy shown.

                        Do you have a novel you are submitting to WN soon? I mean... just curious.

                            Klays2909 I don't have time to read it right now but I've added to library and the beginning of the first chapter is pretty unique and cute! (Though the spacing is a tad weird.)

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