Webnovel.Forum

Apophis9
Done.
Hope you can get onto mine when you have time
https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/12186924305054405

Jamison_C

Here you go:

The Prologue was simply unbearable, why on earth you thought it was a good idea to write a wall of text of direct dialogue with no dialogue tags and no description?

So I moved to chapter 1. Let’s say the prologue never existed.

A man in radiant armor [radiant means “Sending out light; shining or glowing brightly.” Is an enchanted armor? If yes describe it as such, otherwise change adjective or cut it if the state of the armor in not important plot wise.] adorned with Suanni motifs [I looked for this Suanni in all the published chapters with Ctrl+F, never found again. Really? What the hell is a suanni motif? Describe if relevant or cut it.] rode through the spatial gate. [Again, describe things! This gates are relevant to the story right? They are used as primary mean of travel I suppose, right? Then give them a bit of love and give us a concrete image of them.] As he surveyed his surroundings, his pupils flared with the light of the sun. Celestial energy swirled around the man as a majestic aura emanated from him. [I won’t imagine celestial energy and majestic aura, it’s your job to make me see them both. If I need to imagine everything myself I could just stare at a blank page. The only thing I imagine now is him going around glowing like a Christmas tree. Are we sure it’s a good thing to make him glow like that? His pupils...light of the sun is horrible.]

An ornate indigo scabbard hung at the man's side with the insignia of three leaves carved upon it. [One noun, one adjective. No more. So cut ornate, and then cut indigo as well. Why? because you describe the scabbard in the next part of the same sentence.] Detracting from this image was a very normal looking sword handle. Unadorned and plain but giving off an aura of being well-cared for. [Normal looking is lazy writing, and again we have an “aura”...You want to express that despite having a rich scabbard the sword inside is ,at first sight, cheaper but still loved by his owner? Then you should write something like “From the scabbard sticked out a hilt with an iron guard and pommel, and a worn out wooden grip that the man stroked while walking.” It’s not the best but take note that I used the specific terms to refer to a “sword handle”.]

As the troops finished transitioning [transitioning because they are using a spatial gate, right? Too bad you never described this spatial gate or how it works.], many of them bowed in the man's direction before heading to their positions. [Not even in absolutist France soldiers bowed to kings and princes while on duty, they did a salute. It’s like “sword handle” instead of hilt, you need to research things out before writing.]

When I improve my writing to the godly level I will ask Demon lord to write me a review. I don't think mentally ready for this. It's like getting a test result in high school and the entire sheet is red. You used 500 times this word during the last 20 chapters hahaha. That would happen to me. I think XD My vocabulary is too limited for such an assessment.

ArcaneDragon

It takes time and a lot of study, but writing is a craft than can be learned as you learn carpentry.

AkaGin would you like an exchange in reviews? Thats my novel : https://m.webnovel.com/book/11966134905672605

Reply with your own link if you agree :) Thanks in advance :)

fantasy_land done lady, thank you :)

ValentinaKhan Do you mind reviewing my work?
I finished writing the prologue volume of my story and will soon start uploading the chapter of volume 1.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/12563156406920305/The-Universe-is-Innately-Just

Feel free to give me your most honest thought on my work!

Klays2909

I wake up and slowly open my eyes. [Adverbs are most of the time useless and sometimes laughable, like the infamous “running quickly”. Cut it.] I am in a dark room who is mmm [sigh] kinda creepy. It seems to not have been used for the past last years. [Show me this room in a dilapidated house. How? Using the five senses. Even in a pitch black condition our protagonist could be laying down on the floor and feel the wooden boards covered in dust with his fingertips or smell the stench of mold in the air.]

" Where am I" I ask system [The dialogue tag is useless in First Person POV when “I” is speaking].

" host you're in an abandoned house! [If you made a description of the room before, now the system will look like an idiot. If you want the system as an idiot then is a good thing, otherwise cut it. This may even help you to write a better dialogue like “Host! You’re in an abandoned house!” “Thank you, Captain Obvious. Are you running on Windows Vista?” “You big meanie! sadface.png”.] First let me transfer you the data of this world " [Not a fan of the data transferring thing, looks like our protagonist gets plugged in somewhere with a USB device. This open also the door to a lot of infodump like you can see in next paragraphs. Why not use the system as a quest giver but without much foreshadowing? Maybe it is a moron, maybe it is an antagonist.]

Last thing.
You use “...” and even «...». You need to choose one and stick with it.
Also, if you need to talk to communicate with the system this can be a problem. People who are caught talking with beings nobody else see usually end up in only two ways: in a mental ward or leading the armies of the King of France.

ValentinaKhan

I'd love some constructive criticism from you if you have the time! I consider my work a continuous work in progress so I'm still in the process of editing my earlier chapters.

https://www.webnovel.com/book/12532976806786105

Klays2909 I don't have time to read it right now but I've added to library and the beginning of the first chapter is pretty unique and cute! (Though the spacing is a tad weird.)

Apophis9 Thanks. I've read your synopsis. :) Here's mine.

https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/12466790606528905

ASlyDrake

Asteralles

ArcaneDragon

All right! Reviewed 3 more!

Jamison_C I read some of your chaps and it looks like military fiction rather than fantasy. Thank for your review as for my story. My story is only its very beginning and I am not sure how many chapters will it take. I will try to update the review when you write more chapters. Good luck!

Jamison_C

I wrote this for the “Writing Prompt Contest #44: Cultivation”, but I don’t have time so it ended right away. You can have a look at it.

A couple of cats watch me with a scornful look like I'm an intruder in their domain. They turn around and scramble up stairs, I lose sight of them in a moment. Only the stench of cat's piss remain.
I've lost count of how many cats I've seen today. They took control of the neighborhood. They were lying on the cars parked outside the post office, watching people from the trees next to the bus stop, and creeping between the black garbage bags outside the supermarket. When I got out with my shopping bag they looked at me again with that scornful look. Damn cats!
I climb the steps, the plastic bag rubs against the scratched wallpaper. Ling Xia live in an old building, with no lift. The stairs are narrow and I prefer to dirty my clothes brushing the wall than helping myself with the handrail: it wobbles.
I heave a sigh and climb the next ramp stair. I hope for Ling Xia to have disturbed me for something serious, otherwise I'm going to shove the baguette I bought for him up his ass.
Truth be told, he is missing from work at the post office for two weeks now. I'm a bit worried.

I grab the wobbling handrail and I give myself time to breathe, with a tissue I wipe myself from the sweat that soaks my neck and forehead. I unbutton my shirt and I resume climbing, fat rolls now bounce free at every step I take. I should have sent Ling Xia to hell the moment I discovered he lived on a fifth floor in a building without lift.
I reach the landing and I push the button to ring the bell of his flat. The door open and from the chink Ling Xia stares at me.
"You came".

The story is set in Paris (baguette), and follow the story of three people who discover they can cultivate thanks to certain things. A crazy cat lady has powers stroking cats, Ling Xia if he doesn’t wash himself, and our protagonist when he eat junk food.
They’ll fight for survival against an evil green energy corporation which want to use human cultivators as clean energy (literally plugging them to a machine and consume their flesh and bones). Everything for saving the whales!

Now, reading my short story, could you tell the body type of my protagonist?

luoshenhua
I didn't find any major fault in your work. Only, the starting description is a bit static. Your heroine sat for the entire time without moving a finger, descriptions are much more vivid when in movement.

LividEdge
Utter garbage.
Why don't you try this exercise? Shift the focus from the start on your protagonist and write the story from his First Person POV. Start with him doing his job as a waiter at the bar.
I'll give you the first phrase:

I take the empty beer glasses from the table and put them of the tray I hold between my hip and my right arm. I raise the ashtray, nothing below. No tip for the waiter. Stingy bastards.

(Hint #1: the stingy bastards are the three thugs who later will confront the blue haired guy.)

(Hint #2: We are in a cyberpunk setting, so why don't show something cyberpunk? Maybe the three thugs have neon tattoos?)

ValentinaKhan

The protagonist gives off an impression of being a fat and lazy person.

The imagery comes across quite clearly. So too does the atmosphere of the world.

Mc does create some emotional resonance with his thoughts. Appears very relatable with his motivations and actions.

The ending does make me ask "What's next?"

Jamison_C

Yes, the point is I showed the protagonist is fat, I didn't tell he is fat.
It's a technique every wannabe author should employ.

ValentinaKhan

Hahaha , noted. Thanks for the heads up.