Skully_ Can you do mine too be nice please. :)
https://www.webnovel.com/book/11169202106275405/The-Overwhelming-Path
and
https://www.webnovel.com/book/11529754806409805/Adopted-Soldier
Review from fellow OT author
Hello! I also want a thrashing, I mean, a review. XD Brutal, please. Newbie here trying to improve.
This is mine, The Misfortunes of the Blessed Son , with the first seven chapters as more of a prologue.
Skully_ Suggestion to Author regarding equipment: I think you need to replace your keyboard. The enter key, comma and full stop keys are only working twenty percent of the time.
Within the first 3.5 chapters, the blocks of text (not the other things though, I'm just bad at punctuation and need an editor) are a plot feature.
Though I readily thank you for the review, that is the most generous review I've gotten thus far. Thank you.;,;.
Dark_Reality I'm reading yours now. Sorry I have been busy.
Review of Slayer
Originality - 5/5 For this site cultivation stories are very common. But this story is quite different. Its a cross between Natural Born Killers and a Cultivation Master Fighting
Story - 3/5 There is a great story buried beneath the info dump. I can see it in the Authors imagination but it is really struggling to be communicated in the text. The problem is the writing style. I will give examples and suggestions after the categories.
Characters - 2/5 There is an MC, an Antagonist and side characters. The MC is not well defined, I understand he is a master, young in appearance, an expert. But I know little about his goals, motivation or personality. A weak to strong MC can be much more appealing than a straight up Master. But that is for the Author to determine.
The antagonist has an issue that he is MC focused or obsessed. I advise you create a personality, motivations and goals for the Antagonist. His life does not revolve around the MC unless the MC stands in his way for a vital objective. OR he stands in the MCs way for his objective. At the moment I cannot tell. Cao just hunts the MC. For Reasons.
Flow - 1/5 The flow is terrible. It's an infodump. There is conversation but it is poorly written. There is a description of people and places. But the way it is delivered in massively long sentences which are not well thought out. These are not genius sentences, the language is poor. What could have been said with four words uses twenty. And its repetitive.
Examples
I have taken an exert and rewritten it. Its much easier than trying to descibe how to improve.
FROM THIS
Leo then pushed the wrist of the man straight towards his face the knife which was now facing the fat man stabbed into his right eye the fat man screamed in agony as blood along with a gooey liquid rushed out, Leo pulled the knife out of the fat mans right eye when Leo pulled the knife out his eyeball which was slashed in half was visible along with the flesh behind his eye Leo then sent the knife once again to the fat mans face, but this time to his left eye the fat man screamed once again in agony unable to bear the pain of having both his eyes stabbed.
Leo did not stop there he pulled the knife out from the fat man's left eye and pierced the fat man's face first he struck on his cheek then on his nose then on his forehead by this time the fat man had stopped screaming which meant that he had passed on but that did not stop Leo who continued to slash the fat man's face 5 more times until the fat man's brain, eyes, nose were all mixed his skull was cracked in many places and his face was covered with nothing but rushing blood from all direction his face was now beyond recognizable.
“
TO THIS
“
Leo pushed the man’s wrist back towards his own face. As the knife slowly entered the fat man’s right eye, he screamed in agony. Blood and a gooey liquid rushed out as Leo removed the knife. The eyeball still clung to the knife, skewered on the blade, as Leo stabbed the fat man in the face again. This time piercing the right eye as the fat man continued to scream with increasing shrillness. The fat man was unable to bear the pain of multiple stabbings to the face, and his screaming stopped as he blacked out moments before his death.
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When the frenzy concluded the fat man’s eyes, nose, cheeks and mouth were indistinguishable in the bloody mess that was once his face.
There is no need for thought bubbles (single quotations) in 3rd person when handled correctly.
FROM THIS
'I'm sure Cao will be searching for me, I can't stay in this village anymore since it's the closest to the city the chances of him coming here are high' Thinking this Leo
TO THIS
Leo was sure Cao would be searching for him, he couldn’t stay in the village anymore. It was closest to the city and the chances of Cao coming there were high.
Suggestion: I think you should keep writing. It takes 10,000 hours to master anything. I would love it if you try and take on board what I have said and read book of authors. But keep writing, writing and writing. TBH my first 200,000 words were crap. You are doing great.
Skully_ You are the one taking time from your day to read my story so it's fine.
- Edited
Skully_ The mc was an expert but right now he is not, he is a normal human being. I also don't intend to make him a master from the beginning I believe going from weak to strong is much better for mc as a person and to the story.
One of my main objectives with this story was to create a good villain and not a person who is evil for the sake of being evil which in this case is Cao who like you said revolves around the mc. I wanted to create a villain that has a personality, motivation, and goal but I guess I was unable to present that but I can guarantee as the story moves forward all these things will become more clear.
I considered my writing to be good but I believe I needed this as now I won't think 'My writing is good since I know it's good so others will also think it's good' I will also try to reduce the amount of info dump and dialogue is a big part of what I'm trying to improve.
I will keep your examples and tips in mind and improve my writing.
Thank you for pointing out the good and the bad so I can create a better story and maybe one day mine will be up there with yours ;).
- Edited
Broughtwaorld2 Where is this novel in need of brutal mode?
Lol its Legends of the System Creator
Skully_
I think my novel is next. I originally asked for a nice review but feel free to go brutal. Whichever way you enjoy more is fine with me =)
Skully_ ugh....sorry t was my mistake. I just changed the name so my bad. but please do the most brutal review ever.
Novel: Legends of the system creator
Skully_ ugh....sorry t was my mistake. I just changed the name so my bad. but please do the most brutal review ever.
Novel: Legends of the system creator
Whoa... Free reviews! Is this for real? But my negative luck stat... how could good things possibly happen?!? This must be a t-trap!
...Urgh, I can't resist the trap!
Here's my novel! I-it's not like I want you to review it or anything!
Whoa... Free reviews! Is this for real? But my negative luck stat... how could good things possibly happen?!? This must be a t-trap!
...Urgh, I can't resist the trap!
Here's my novel! I-it's not like I want you to review it or anything!
Skully_ um....what's my no.?
Name: Legend of The System Creator
Skully_ um....what's my no.?
Name: Legend of The System Creator
Broughtwaorld2 coming coming Skully is busy :)
Hey, I would really like someone to review my novel. I don't care about good or bad...Just DO IT!!! And thanks in advance. Here's my novel's link https://m.webnovel.com/book/11515644006404805 (PS- Please don't do an overkill.)
Brutal Mode Engaged
Starting a story is easy! Just drown the reader in so much info dumping and exposition that they can’t possibly escape! Once the reader is stuck, then trap them in a series of MC weak to strong building activities and ass-kicking of paper-thin arrogant masters. They will never escape then and will be forced to read the rest of your story.
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Originality - 0/5 - It's a cultivation novel. No, wait! It's a System novel. Why not throw in naruto fanfic while you're at it? Oh LOL he was watching Naruto! Close enough. Wait, wait. Let me guess, the MC's cultivation system will be based on Dragon Ball? That will be the trifecta of Webnovel fads. Please ascend.
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Story - 2/5 There is a story. There is. This is not a paper on a system cultivator, is it? Am I reading one endless monologue? I am sure this story would be great if I could get past this wall of text hiding Mount Tai.
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Characters - 1/5 The characters speak to me. Literally. The MC rarely speaks to someone else, unless its a cardboard cut out cliche. Parent, Grandpa. Quite literally named Grandpa trope so the author doesn't have to show anything about him to the reader #shortcut #efficientwriting. The reader will know from all the other copy and paste novels who use Grandpa. Teacher - angry and hates MC. Why? Who cares we need people in authority to be irredeemable illogical antagonists so the hero MC can make them look like fools in a few chapters.
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Flow - 5/5 The flow is excellent. I enjoyed reading this exposition. The Authors note explaining the yet to be introduced system was perfect. Why let the story show the system? That would waste time. Just tell the reader and yeah Authors note works perfectly. BTW - When does the storytelling start?
SnoozySloth you're next
Skully_
I can't wait! Go brutal mode! I've come to love your brutal reviews haha!
Skully_ Thanks for such a beautiful review ....but i feel like someone hate banged me. Just kidding.
So to summarise —
I have to bring a piece of new way of cultivation, create a different but innovative motive for our mc, make mc more interactive while bringing his parents and grandparents into life.
I just want to ask that '5/5' on flow was not sarcasm was it? If not, can you explain me it in simple way....sorry my english isn't that great.
But thanks, i have started to review my next chapters and started to change it accordingly.
Skully_ Thanks for such a beautiful review ....but i feel like someone hate banged me. Just kidding.
So to summarise —
I have to bring a piece of new way of cultivation, create a different but innovative motive for our mc, make mc more interactive while bringing his parents and grandparents into life.
I just want to ask that '5/5' on flow was not sarcasm was it? If not, can you explain me it in simple way....sorry my english isn't that great.
But thanks, i have started to review my next chapters and started to change it accordingly.
Karyehs this daoist is crying silently. sniff
The flow is fine. It means I can read and understand your words. I could summarise what I think you need to improve down to two items.
1) Show don't tell
It doesn't have to be all the time. But you primarily tell with very little show. Especially in the first 10 chapters. After that it does improve.
2) Do not introduce a character without working out who they are. If you need them for a plot device, it has to be logical.
What do they look like. What are their goals and motivations. What are their personality traits.
The story falls into the trap of too many trope and paper-thin characters.
That review was the most brutal so far haha. Hang in there Broughtwaorld2 I can see your novel has a lot of fans.
SnoozySloth thank you for comforting this daoist sloth-san. I am hanging in there.
Skully_ and thanks for the youtube link. I'll watch it during my lectures.
I too, would like some reviews.
https://www.webnovel.com/book/11302953705330705/Strangers-From-Another-World
Please be nice :3
- Edited
SnoozySloth
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Burtal Mode Engaged at sadistic Authors request
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"squeak squeak A series of squeaking sounds echoed in a brightly lit hallway. The hallway was made up of white tiles and walls. "
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WTF the hallway has walls? Who wudda thunk it? And whats with sounds in asterisks? Can't you just write "a series of squeaking" oh wait you did. This was a good start to a trash novel which was terribly ruined as outlined below.
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This story is a poor attempt at a trash novel. It tries, it really does. The info-dumping is subpar it needs way more walls of text telling the reader what is happening, there is far too much showing. The descriptors are not up to the standards of a trash novel. The MC acts logically even when pulling off a comedic outlook of being transported to another world with a system. This brings us to originality
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Originality - 0/5 oh fuck me it's a system novel. Wait. Uniforms which disguise the MC from “catch me if you can”. Hmm, despite being used in two Mangas as a superpower that has to lift it off 0/5 doesn’t it? Nah fuckit. 0/5.
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Story - 5/5 this is where the author fucks it right up. They had the opportunity to be a trash novel but the story is too engaging. To qualify as webnovel contracted trash your MC needs to be inconsistent and illogical. They also need to do stupid fucking things because the author is too dumb to think of a better course of action. The world needs to be paper thin and you need much much more wish fulfilment. Try again. Go and find a top trash novel and use Crtl-C and Crtl-V change the names. Voila.
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Lol lol character gets in trouble. Magic plot device truth potion out of trouble. The character cannot speak local languages struggles for one chapter. System - here you go fucker. You can now speak every language no need to struggle.
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Character - 5/5 Ah shit I have to read more so I can find another character other than the MC. I am sooo lazy that this is a chore. Shit Beardy face doesn’t speak intelligibly keep reading. Oh. Great. Cliché woman in authority. She’s an angel and perfect in every way and the MC is not smitten at all. Ok, let's keep reading I bet your balls Lumi falls for him for no reason in a chapter. WTF chapter 4 and she still doesn’t trust someone she just met with the strangest story she has ever heard? And you call this a trash novel? FAIL.
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Flow - 4/5 The Flow is excellent. Another FAIL for trash novel I didn’t have to reread anything to decipher your bullshit. I take one point off for over use of names. James did this. James did that. James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, I FUCKING GET HIS NAME IS JAMES!!!!!!!
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Suggestion: give up. you suck at writing trash novels.
Skully_
Thanks Skully! I love the review! I think I just won the brutal review rewards lol. I was expecting worse things to come my way. I'm guessing/hoping you liked the novel since you read all the way to chapter 25 =p.
I've added Daedalus to my reading list and will read/review it when I have time=p
Nah I cheated. You click on the last chapter and then click review at the bottom of the page.... Makes it look like you put in effort.
Skully_
I'll also go ahead and request a brutal review for my 2nd novel lol. I know a lot of people are ahead of me. I'll wait patiently and look forward to it =)
https://www.webnovel.com/book/11594443706436005/Steampunk-Apocalypse!