Overlord_Venus Thanks for the heads up! I'm a bit of a forum noob, so I'll def check out the guidelines.

Re: First Chap -

Pros -
-Great imagery (beard as dragons floating in the wind; ancient visage radiating pure, unadulterated wisdom; etc)
-Immediately piques excitement bc the kids are so excited. It's palpable. Makes me anticipate the upcoming story within the story (nice use of meta storytelling here!)
-Sonia is well-characterized. We see her as happy, passionate, a wee bit devious, clever, and funny. But it's all done with age-appropriate actions, so she always remains childlike, and her childlike wonder infects the reader
-world-building is subtle, no info-dump but just enough clues to give us a whisper of what this world is like. (for example, the hints about the "various creatures that roam in the wild" and the eventual realization the setting is in the future, not the past) It's not so little I'm frustrated, and not so much I'm overwhelmed/bored. Also, the clues you do give us are enough that I trust you will be able to elucidate further as the story continues.

Critiques -
-a few slight grammar errors here and there. nothing too egregious, and they don't slow the story at all. you could use a few more commas here and there, and some of your sentences and verbs are too passive. You have a strong command of vocabulary for descriptive words, but the verbs could use some extra oomph.

e.g. "There was an elevated platform one one end of the plaza on which sat an old man with his eyes closed."
The main subject of this sentence is the mysterious old man, so you'd want to ensure he's the one doing the acting, not the one being acted upon. Also "was" "is" "are" etc are linking verbs; as often as possible, use action verbs to liven up your storytelling
Ex: "At the far end of the plaza, an elevated platform drew the attention of every visitor. As if unaware of the expectant gazes of the crowd, a wizened old man sat silently in the center of the stage, eyes closed, body still."

From a storytelling perspective, you have a solid grasp of attention-grabbing details, slow reveals, and interesting/fun characterization. I'm excited to read more of your work!

      Mamelunka I'm happy to read!

      First of all, wow! I would never have guessed you were a non-native speaker! Your bilingual skills are impressive. :)

      Pros:
      -super cool world details (i'm particularly intrigued by the burn stigmas, this empire as a whole, and the crazy section at the end!!!)
      -Kalena is well-characterized and interesting, and she has a ton of room for growth. She has actually realistic responses to negative experiences, which is a nice change, and I'm excited to see her get stronger.
      -you aren't afraid of talking about tough subjects, and you handle them well

      This section is especially GREAT:
      When the boy saw them, he nodded politely and then began to speak to her lord in a language she had never heard before. After a moment, he took a step back, clearly surprised by something and pointed at her, and immediately shook his head saying something quickly. Kalena felt something delicious smell outside. She wanted to see what, but she was afraid to turn around. She preferred not to draw attention.

      She glanced briefly at this boy and after a while reluctantly stated that he must be very strong. She wondered if he could cut the skin on her back with a single blow of the rod." -- I like all this because it really gives us a sense of Kalena and what kind of life she's led. She notices everything, but her reactions are special because she's had a rough upbringing. She wants to remain invisible. She sees people and wonders how easily they could hurt her. She doesn't understand other languages. Etc. It also gives us some idea that something is going wrong, but she doesn't care about that like we do; instead, she's worried about the delicious food outside. That's very interesting!

      Critiques:
      -try to use more contractions in the dialogue like I'm, don't, can't, etc. It makes it flow a little better in English
      -Make sure your quotation marks always come at the beginning and end of sentences (they're in the middle of a few of them)
      -try to insert a little more setting and character description around your dialogue. The dialogue is great and keeps the story moving well, but I want to be able to see the setting and characters more clearly as they talk. I really liked "From his smile, she immediately knew that he didn't think so." -- include more details like that! I also want to know what Kalena looks like, and what her cruel owner and her old friend look like.
      -a few areas with grammar issues or incorrect words that mess up the flow a little, but honestly not too many. Here are a few examples:

      "Probably to Kagolania. Recently, he started a few interests there, that he wants to finish." -- this sentence is a little awkward/confusing. I'm not sure "interests" is the correct word for what you're really trying to say. It's too vague and doesn't instill any fear/concern in the reader

      "Kalena felt sucking in her stomach but ignored it." I think you mean: "Kalena's stomach still roiled with tension, but she forced herself to ignore it."

      "You're not going anywhere! This kid must finally stop sending his people after me to all fairs! Cursed, as the whole family, he came out of!" -- Possible meaning: "You're never coming back! You're solving my problems with this fool kid, so he'll finally stop sending his people after me to ruin my affairs. He's a cursed as the family he comes from!"

      There's this literary idea called "Showing, not Telling" and it's where you show the reader an emotion through action, not by telling us the emotion outright. For example, "She seemed completely devastated." First off, devastated is a GREAT adjective, so don't bog it down with the adverb "completely"; it doesn't need it, and the word stands stronger on its own. The verb "seemed" isn't nearly strong enough for "devastated" though. Instead, give her a descriptive ACTION that shows devastation. For example, "Trembling, Kalena shook her head, and her once-rosy cheeks paled." OR "Kalena's face crumpled in devastation, and tears spilled down her pale cheeks."

      With those, we understand Kalena's devastated, but we feel it more deeply because we connect to her physical reactions as well as her emotional ones. Plus, it gives you way to describe Kalena to us in more detail.

      Finally, I would move that entire last section with the kid murdering himself to the next chapter. End it with Kalena going to sleep and start with that other section next; it didn't seem to fit at all and was confusing and took me out of the story. Also, maybe play up Kalena's concern and fear and resignation when she thinks Galaspiael is trying to sleep with her. And then you can add to her anxiety and fear as she waits, and waits, and waits to make sure he's not coming back. That will make the ending more dramatic.

      Interesting story, overall! Raises a ton of questions in the first chap that should keep readers engaged and interested. Kalena is a decently-developed MC, though she could have a little more characterization and description. Good luck! You're doing great!

          Seshata Hm. So is this a review/feedback swap since you posted a story link?

          Or is it free, meaning you’re giving feedback for your own fun and leisure?

              Chryiss Oh no, it's just free! I was feeling bereft without a ton of papers to grade, so I thought I'd lend a hand to authors who wanted feedback. I'm happy to receive feedback, though, so I posted the story link for anyone interested. Definitely not necessary to check mine out! Only if it sounds like a story you might like. :)

                  Your feedback is good btw. Question, since you’re a lit professor, how did you find Webnovel? Which novels have you read? Any originals? I’m curious to what you think about the general level of writing on here.

                    Seshata Okay! Just don’t want you to get in trouble since it was vague. We can’t do review swaps outside of the dedicated monthly one. So since you clarified it, no worries!

                        Chryiss Thanks! Yeah, I came across that pinned post a while ago. This was supposed to be its own thing. I just realized I think I made it a discussion in the Novel Recommendations section though, and I have no idea how I did that or how to undo that, so...whoops.

                            Seshata The tags still applicable, don’t worry. If you want to change anything, you can just ping at yaoyueyi. (:

                              Chryiss

                              And thank you! I really enjoy giving feedback and editing. I came across Webnovel when I was getting ready for a flight last October and didn't have anything to read. I was looking for recommendations (I had just finished all the SAO novels and manga available in English, and wanted something similar) and stumbled upon The King's Avatar and then proceeded to read 1700 chapters in like 2 weeks because I was immediately OBSESSED.
                              Since then, I've read TKA, Night Ranger, The World Online, Reincarnation of Strongest Sword God, Only I Level Up, Haven, Return of the God-Level Assassin, Devil's Cage, Lovely Writing System, Haru's Love, The Hitting Zone, and King of Sports. I've dabbled with reading several others in a variety of genres.
                              I think many of those were translations, but several of my faves were Originals (I anxiously await Hitting Zone and God-Level Assassin updates like I need them to BREATHE).

                              In general, the level of writing is a bit difficult to pin down. It varies so widely between stories. I've come across some insanely highly-rated fantasies that barely use paragraph breaks or standard punctuation, and at the same time, I've seen some fan-fics that were nearly best-seller quality. The thing that really sets Webnovel apart is the crazy pacing at the same time the stories are allowed the room to breathe. It seems like you shouldn't be able to have both in the same format, but webnovel allows that. It's cool. The plot is always zooming forward and stuff is ALWAYS happening, but the characters are given ~200 chapters just to level up to first main fight. Traditional western lit doesn't usually give authors that kind of space and room, especially with genre fiction. TKA would have been shrunk down to maybe 200 chapters if it were published normally, but as a web novel, it could take its time, work up from the beginning, show us an entirely new world.

                              Overall, I'd say the experimentation with form is great and the plots/characters are well-written and interesting, but the standard grammar and vocab could use a little work for most stories. I also have to admit that really awful grammar makes a story impossible for me to read, so I've only read a few chapters of stories that fall under that category. It's kind of fun that no one's afraid to use tropes and cliches and find new ways of exploring them, but I also think too many authors fall into a trap of re-creating instead of creating. And the sexism in the ML stories is a bit over the top, but what can you expect from a platform that separates ML and FL stories in a way that enforces such unnecessary sexist dichotomies?

                              Sorry, that was probably more of an answer than you wanted!

                                  Seshata NOPE. I loved it! ❤️
                                  Long answers like these are awesome. I couldn’t have said it any better! You listed some great stories. I too had a similar response discovering some of those long translations, binging them like Netflix!

                                      Chryiss Riiiiiiiiight?! Ah! They're downright addictive! And now that I'm actually reading stories as they release, I realize how freaking awful it must have been to be there on the ground floor for the older stories we get the privilege of binging! Eek.

                                      ...I recognize I've probably ruined the image everyone had of professors as high-brow people hahaha

                                          Seshata Lol, nah it’s okay. I did tilt my head to the side at your enthusiasm from the first post. But professors, and any people in any profession, are human too and get excited about things. It’s not good to get too caught up in stereotypes.

                                          And yes, waiting can be painful haha!

                                            RandomchaoS I was the kid who got in trouble for hiding a book in my lap during math class, then the teen who got in trouble for reading fanfics during bio, then the young adult who got in trouble for reading manga during lectures, so. I feel you. lol
                                            Honestly, it's probably a good thing I hadn't discovered webnovels (or they didn't exist yet?) when I was in undergrad, or I don't think I would have passed my classes, haha.

                                                Seshata Thankfully I graduated undergrad last year, so while I may have procrastinated a little (lot) at least I passed, lol. Right now I'm trying to balance reading web-novels, writing my own, and my MLIS degree, rofl.

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