Yoan_Roturier @MimiTea I think you guys are seeing the wrong cover (the old one). I'm really sure what's going on. Maybe refresh a couple of times? The new cover is supposed to have a girl falling into the sky. If it still doesn't change, I'll send a DM on discord.
Detailed Review Request Thread!!
@Yoan_Roturier @MimiTea Also, the reason why I re-designed my old cover was because of the stuff you guys pointed out. The cover just felt kinda 'off' for me. Here's the link again to see if it works this time.
Yoan_Roturier
Lol... it wasn't just the grammar. Trust me. I've read novels on this app for over 2 years and I have over 400hours of reading, so you can imagine that I've come across my fair share of books with bad grammar.
Funny enough, I'm one reader who will still read a story with terrible grammar as long as I enjoy the storyline. There was one such book. I kept reading till like 32 Chapters even though the grammar was beyond unbearable.
My curiosity was keeping me going. I kept asking myself... "Why are you still reading this?", but I kept on reading nonetheless.
So trust me. Grammar was not my only problem. The overall reasoning capacity was fundamentally flawed.
Yoan_Roturier
Lol... it wasn't just the grammar. Trust me. I've read novels on this app for over 2 years and I have over 400hours of reading, so you can imagine that I've come across my fair share of books with bad grammar.
Funny enough, I'm one reader who will still read a story with terrible grammar as long as I enjoy the storyline. There was one such book. I kept reading till like 32 Chapters even though the grammar was beyond unbearable.
My curiosity was keeping me going. I kept asking myself... "Why are you still reading this?", but I kept on reading nonetheless.
So trust me. Grammar was not my only problem. The overall reasoning capacity was fundamentally flawed.
MimiTea Weird. Here's the link, then: https://www.webnovel.com/book/non-player-character_20219961506365305
Arcana_Legends Okay Iām gonna go over 5 main points for your novel.
- Bulky paragraphs
Most users read on their phones, so itās recommended to limit paragraphs to 1-3 on webnovel. 4-5 if truly necessary. Itās very hard to read and focus for the average reader because of that.
- Too much telling
Thereās way too much telling, not enough showing. Starting from the prologue, it should be more description than telling the reader what the MC thinks. You spoil the whole mystery for them to try to guess at things. Same thing with the rest of the chapters. Way too much thinking in between each dialogue and action.
- Cover??
Why is there no text on the cover? A few authors can get away with this but it shows a lack of effort on the writerās part, especially if the book is new/isnāt popular yet.
- No Conflict
A fight goes on at the end of chapter 2 and start of chapter 3, but it doesnāt equate to a story conflict. The question behind every story is āWhy should the reader care?ā In a villainess story, the villainess is out to get revenge. In My Vampire System, itās a war between entire races. In Doomsday Wonderland, itās first to survive then slowly to survive with friends. Itās a full length conflict that doesnāt end in 1, 2, or even 30 chapters. What is yours? (Rhetorical question) For the most effective first chapter, you need to dive right into conflict as soon as possible. Show the reader whatās exciting about the plot of the novel.
- Lack of Description
Coupled with the lack of showing, there isnāt much of a description anywhere. I get in the prologue that the reader may not know whatās going on, but in the actual chapters they should. I couldnāt visualize the classroom at all since you didnāt describe it. Having even 1-2 details here and there to describe the setting will greatly enhance the immersiveness of the reader.
Side Note: I donāt usually read ML books so I read from an objective standpoint. I hope this is helpful and not hurtful because there is potential!
Epyonnn Iām gonna critique it using a number format. Overall, I like it better than your old cover though.
- The Text is Distracting
The black box around the rest distracts the reader from the entire cover than to read the text and enjoy the art. It entirely overshadows the girl in the background, and I think you need to remove the box and just do some shadowing if necessary instead.
- Too Dark
The overall cover is too dark. Itās very hard to see the girl to be honest, and looking closer, I see that you drew her to be crying. But if I add it to my library, I canāt see that. I donāt focus on the art behind the text either because the black box overshadows everything. I hate to say it too because Iām also suffering from this, but webnovel readers prefer visually striking novels (aka vibrant colors) as opposed to darker ones.
If you could lighten or turn up the saturation (after removing the black box), it could turn out to be much better.
Hope this helps!
@Yulainei I read your novel up to the most recent chapter, and here are some of my thoughts:
Grammar is good, and there were just a few mistakes that can be fixed with a little proofreading.
I had mostly easy time following the story, but you introduced too many characters in the beginning without giving much description. In the end, I just imagined most of the people's faces as blobs (not that my imagination is that good anyway).
My biggest issue is with how the story opens. I haven't read anything from the cultivation genre, so these opinions are just from my initial impressions.
Firstly, the beginning is way too slow. Nothing really happened. The main character is born, and the families have a banquet, but that's it. You have fantasy, adventure, and action in your tags, but the only thing I've seen so far is fantasy (and a little bit of action from the two kids' duel). I know that you'll get to the epic stuff later on, but the beginning is just too stale. Additionally, give at least a little bit of explanation about the magic system and the cultivation system. A couple of sentences should suffice, and you shouldn't go too in-depth if you want to keep the air of mystery. When you're writing a fantasy, you shouldn't expect that the readers will assume the rules in your world.
Secondly (and this ties into the first point), the main character doesn't do anything. He gets birthed, but he's a baby, so what's he supposed to do? Sometimes, starting at the very beginning of a person's life will lead to a boring opening unless other people are pushing the plot forward. As a general rule when writing a story, you want to write it from the perspective of the most interesting character, and start in the most interesting part of the timeline. Necessary information about the past can be given through a flashback. Since the MC couldn't do anything, you made the supporting characters do stuff, but it wasn't anything exciting, unfortunately.
Remember that a good plot consists of three main aspects: a goal, stakes, and urgency (I learned this from a YouTuber named Filmento). To give a quick explanation, the main character needs to have an end goal that they are trying to reach. Since you're writing a cultivation novel, the end goal is already intrinsically there, but the characters still need to work for something in the short term. As for stakes, there are none in your story, since nobody is trying to solve any sort of problem in the world. Finally, there's no urgency either, because there's no metaphorical bomb that will go off if the main characters don't defuse it in time. When you begin a story, you should set up at least one of these three aspects of the plot, with the most important one being the stakes. I'm afraid that if you don't start off with a bang, the readers will get bored and will drop the story after a couple of chapters.
I don't want to call you out too hard on this, but your first four chapters are mostly fluff. Unless something ridiculous happens soon, most of that stuff can be cut out, and you could have started off the novel when the main character began his training.
- Edited
MimiTea so what I mean is that for instance the beginning prologue piece. It's very descriptive which works for that moment because it's a slow moment between lovers. So, it's beneficial for it to linger and to have gravity.
But for a lot of the chapter it's all deep description hitting every excruciating detail but if you really broke down the events of the chapter all the main character really did was get kicked out and ran to a wagon to get shelter. That makes a lot of those details feel like fluff when I'm reading them and instead of getting immersed I get lost trying to really understand what's going on and why. It takes away a bit from getting to know your main characters actual qualities and getting invested in her. The romance genre is more character driven in my opinion which means I need the characters to hold the spotlight and drive the action and so forth.
I tend to stray myself from heavy detailing surroundings unless it absolutely matters and instead focusing on getting out the beats of the story. Just my opinion of course I think the premise is fantastic and has tons of interesting avenues to explore. Hope this is helpful.
Arcana_Legends thanks!! 
- Edited
MimiTea
1. Definitely can see how that can be an issue will work on it's formatting.
It's kinda hard to change that when the story is first-person perspective. Could you elaborate on the mystery point?
- I never even thought about this thanks. That's pretty easy fix.
I'm not really sure how to address that. The conflict is there it's just not overt because I'm focused on the characters and how they interact with this world no one really know anything about. I'll try to find someway to emphasis where the conflict lies.
I thought I was being clear that the location at that point didn't really matter by describing it as mundane or ordinary letting the reader fill in their expectation of what a classroom looks like. But, I'll make it clearer that the locations aren't important right now.
Your feedback is super helpful thank you! If you have any suggestions I'd like to hear those also.
Cool!
I meant that in the prologue, it's supposed to give readers a sort of "mystery" of how MC got into this situation? There were lines like he was looking down on his friends and something about a phoenix statue. It would be better if you described the phoenix statue instead of saying "If this is the last thing I see" because it's kind of awkward how it randomly pops out of nowhere. Instead, it could be like, "I laid my eyes on the phoenix statue..." if you know what I mean.
Also, there were some parts where you overexplained like the MC's best friend. It's always seen through dialogue, though you can also point it outābut readers will know.
- Yep!!
3(?) Well, to be honest, it could be due to your synopsis. I don't see a story conflict in there, it seems like MC is just gonna go about his life. If the conflict is there, be sure to write it in your synopsis!
- I might've missed it because of the formatting, but okay!! I just thought since it's a different world, it would have something unique to it. Maybe every student is wearing an emblem, etc.
As for suggestions, I don't have much because I'm not a typical ML reader. I do recommend going straight into conflict
- Edited
I trust you my dear cutie pie. But seem to have misunderstood me. No matter which story it is, or how bad it is. Someone behind a screen worked hard to put it into words and I think just that act is enough to earn a modicum of respect.
Sara_Wilcox Okay I made some of those descriptive changes and will add more in due time for future chapters and current ones. I know your busy but I would love your future support as not only a critic but as a fan when you can of course.