Forsaken123 feel free to go hard or soft, I don’t mind either way.
Forsaken123 here’s your synopsis btw, wanted to post it on the other thread, but since I’m already here-
I hope you don’t mind, but I’ll dissect the synopsis.
After being betrayed, by her guild leader, Ellen could not leave the game.
This sentence leads to a fundamental question. Why does being betrayed by her guild leader mean, that Ellen could not leave the game?
You may not mean it that way, but it certainly is worded that way. As you used a cause to correlation sentence.
She moved her fingers around the interface and clicked support, but could not contact a Gamemaster.
Will the Gamemaster be important? If not, do not mention him.
After exploring, she bumped into a few NPCs, but failed to find any players. Her heartbeat sped up, and her fingers moistened.
This sentence is a bit bumpy, but in essence is pretty good.
A guard approached Ellen and said: “Why are you naked,” while grabbing her arm and escorting her into a prison cell.
Ellen asked him when would she be released, and heard, "312."
How do you decide whether to use direct or indirect speech?
Ella did not know why, but she was stuck in 'Bless,' and would be released two years before the game started.
This is a sentence that would be good in a standalone, but should not be the lead up of the previous sentence.
She pondered, "Am I in the past, or this this a quest, and why can't I logout?"
This sentence is not necessary as it was already established that it was the past and that she probably cannot logout.
In essence, there are too many jumps in the summary.
We go from a narrator who describe the past happenings, to the present time, to a detailed description, to some action, to some conversation( which also switches between direct, indirect speech), to indirect thoughts, to direct thoughts.
It’s better than before though.