Forsaken123 The good thing about having only one chapter is that it can be subject to a lot of changes.
What I like about the chapter was the fact that it gets into the action from the beginning on. What I also like is that the main character takes an active role in their story.
Now, let’s get to the meatier stuff. meat
Something I have realized, is that the narrative you chose is not fitting with the way you write.
One of the most important things is establishing who your narrator is.
1st person? 3rd person? Is the narrator omniscient? Does the narrator only describe what they see? Does the narrator play an active role in the story? Was the story already over when it is being told?
From what I gather, you chose a narrator who is 3rd person omnipresent. But I think you should’ve gone for the first person narrative, while switching between PoVs.
1. You add a lot of thoughts from the main character. If it is 1st person, than it would only be natural. But it isn’t.
What happens is she directly speaks what’s on her mind all the time, even though she is alone.
That’s not something a sane person does.
2. When her thoughts are indirectly inserted, they are often jarring, and throws the immersion for a loop. Because there really is not an easy way to add a characters thoughts into the story without taking the reader out of the illusion that none of it is real.
3. The main character behaves in a weird way. Sometimes, I do not understand the idea behind her actions. That would not be a problem if it was first person.
4. The type of story, I imagine, is an adventure story, we discover the world and feel the world at the same time the main character does. It is thus also a type of self insert story where the reader imagines themselves to be the MC.
If I had to give an example, it’s like Kirito in SAO. We start the journey at the same time he does. In contrast to Meliodas from Seven deadly Sins, where we only see a part of his adventure.
It would be easier for the reader immersive themselves into a 1st person narrative.
Another point that could be worked better is the writing style.
What you have right now is only an reiteration of what is happening. It reads more like an activity log.
The story is almost close to being a summary.
There is way too much happening, with little to none descriptions. I know, describing can be hard, but it needs to be done.
Describe the surroundings, describe the characters, described their appearance, describe how they feel.
(Is the wind blowing, is it cold or warm, is the light blind, are leaves falling of the trees, is it rainy, snowy.)
Also, try using stylistic devices. Alliterations, Symbolism, Metaphors, Hyperboles and Euphemism are all great ones.
Let’s talk about the sex scene for example. They are a great way to train descriptions, if anything. It is best either make them as descriptive as possble, or just skip them. Here is an example of a steamy scene in my novel https://www.webnovel.com/book/10500707705049205/33762102896283925/Rebirth-of-a-broken-demoness./I-Do-Not-Agree
Ain’t trying to advertise, but I just find it easier to make my points by using my own writing.
I already foreshadowed the next point, which is how the story is so crammed.
We have her being thrown into prison, healing a person, get out of prison, take a bath and do the sex all in one chapter. And this is only the plot.
If we observe the story from a writing perspective, we have the main character being introduced, several world settings being shown, such as game interface, stats, magic, equipment (and their perspective rules and leveling systems), we have foreshadowing of an important character Athena, we already have the motivation and more.
That’s too much. Take your time writing. I cannot stress this enough, but pacing is important. Fill it with whatever, the MCs thoughts, some witty dialogue, descriptive essays, just something to stop the plot from progressing.
Then we have the interactions.
I don’t seem to understand what makes these characters talk.
I can’t quite pinpoint it, but it just feels unrealistic. They talk in a way that is too straight forward. There is no real person behind the dialogue. When someone talks, there’s always a motive behind their words. They are usually summarized in 4 types.
1 Factual type, the speaker only means what he says.
2 Self revealing type, the speaker is emphasizing on their feelings when they talk.
3 Relationship type, the speaker gives insight about their relation ship.
4 Appeal type, the speaker wants something when he makes the statement.
The listeners job is to understand which type the speaker means, and if he is wrong, it will lead to conflict.
Let me give you an example.
The one who didn't cook says: "Hey what’s that green stuff in my soup?."
Factual Level: There is something green.
Self-revealing layer: I don't know what it is.
Relationship layer: You should know what it is.
Appeal layer: Tell me what it is!
Matter layer: There is something green.
Self-revealing layer: You do not know what the green item is, and that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Relationship layer: You think my cooking is questionable.
Appeal layer: I should only cook what you know in the future!
The other answers: "If you don't like the taste, you can cook it yourself."
What happened here is that the listener misunderstood what the intention of the question, leading to discord.
[The speaker was talking on an appeal later, while the listener took it from the relationship layer.]
Also, let them interact with the world. Grabbing the cold walls, flinching by walking barefoot, eating fast and then choking. This makes the characters feel real and the world feel real. Both very important aspects in the type of story you are writing.
Smaller problems include capitalization mistakes, and some comma mistakes.
If you change these points and offer a consistent update, you will surely make it far. You have good ideas and the story is going the correct direction. I personally really like it.
I hope my review was somewhat helpful.