MiaoMiao11
This was a quick edit, shows some of the things I talked about, and some minor grammar issues.
In a banquet hall, a woman in a black lace fishtail dress stood with a champagne in her hand, was engaged in a casual conversation with a movie producer. In a 5 inch high heels and Slender Snow white legs, exposed by a knee-length dress, She looked a drop-dead Gorgeous.
{Her first MV was recently filmed.} Parties like this were a very important event for a newcomer like herself. It was hard to get an entry pass. She had somehow gotten her hands on it pleading her roommate. Hence, she tried to talk to many people possible and leave a good impression. -----Not needed
They heard her crisp laughter over other voices. - Passive voiced changed cleared unknown subject
“Hey, girl you know you have a perfect hourglass figure. Are you a model?” One man that spoke handed her wine. Cleaned this sentence
“Thanks, I am {simply} a rookie actor from SK agency,” - ended a sentence with a comma redundant adverb
“Good! Would you consider modeling for my brand?” he asked.
“What are you doing here?” a sexy cold voice came from behind her. She didn’t need to look back to know whose it was. Sky! The thing about him that attracted her wasn’t his face but his deep magnetic voice which voiced some of her favorite songs.
Sky held her arm and pulled her to a corner “Don’t you know him? He is Quan Wei, {a} famous playboy. He has a scandal with {a} different girl every third day.” — You did not like As?
“I know, I was just being polite. I would have refused his offer anyway!” she uttered softly as if she {sinned}. unclear meaning
Sky lifted her chin. Looking at this girl talking with a man gave him a strong sense of unease.
Her slender black eyes, small nose long fluttering eyelashes, her thick lips, her sexy curls...
His face was so close. His eyes near hers, his lips came next to her. She had a red blush on her cheeks looking at him {as a cute cat.} Meeting his gaze she closed her eyes, and they instinctively kissed.
No kissing cats romantically, sorry its evil... never again...
She seemed to have come to her senses and looked around {and} said: “Don’t! If reporter clicks a picture, it would be in headlines tomorrow. There would be a Huge Scandal!” missing connector
In the industry, there would always be many women, who tried to associate themselves with him to gain publicity, but she was quite the opposite.
“It doesn’t feel like an issue {to me}. A Scandal, So It Is! I am interested in a girl for the first time and want to announce it to the {universe}” he blurted. - Useless information/passive voice- make it more dramatic
Lyna felt she was too drunk and was {hearing} things. Though she didn’t deny the magnetic attraction between them. Yet, they have only met twice. Odd word perhaps use imagining?
Looking at her still rushing out of the room “I said I am interested in you. Lets date.” Sky said holding her wrist.
{As it reads may be impossible} would change to… After looking at her rush out of the room, I grabbed her wrist and demanded to date her.
“Okay?” His calming voice made her unable to think like a lullaby, and she nodded {in joy}. - slight change but I feel it adds impact
Sky gave an affectionate laugh. Pulling her towards him, he kissed her. {This was a long and wet one.} — such odd wordage— it was deeply passionate and caused my heart to beat faster. Once our lips parted I slightly moaned in ecstasy.
{He opened his eyes which showed a possessive desire. He couldn’t afford to lose this person.}
Show me, don't tell me the same case as above.
As, we parted he brought me back in lightly tapping my lips and said, “I won't ever let you escape from me.”
Will take down if requested. Again, im not a romanic writer, but you need to go deeper into those moments, its like eating a dry apple.