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MiaoMiao11

This was a quick edit, shows some of the things I talked about, and some minor grammar issues.

In a banquet hall, a woman in a black lace fishtail dress stood with a champagne in her hand, was engaged in a casual conversation with a movie producer. In a 5 inch high heels and Slender Snow white legs, exposed by a knee-length dress, She looked a drop-dead Gorgeous.

{Her first MV was recently filmed.} Parties like this were a very important event for a newcomer like herself. It was hard to get an entry pass. She had somehow gotten her hands on it pleading her roommate. Hence, she tried to talk to many people possible and leave a good impression.  -----Not needed

They heard her crisp laughter over other voices. - Passive voiced changed cleared unknown subject

“Hey, girl you know you have a perfect hourglass figure. Are you a model?” One man that spoke handed her wine. Cleaned this sentence

“Thanks, I am {simply} a rookie actor from SK agency,” - ended a sentence with a comma redundant adverb

“Good! Would you consider modeling for my brand?” he asked.

“What are you doing here?” a sexy cold voice came from behind her. She didn’t need to look back to know whose it was. Sky! The thing about him that attracted her wasn’t his face but his deep magnetic voice which voiced some of her favorite songs.

Sky held her arm and pulled her to a corner “Don’t you know him? He is Quan Wei, {a} famous playboy. He has a scandal with {a} different girl every third day.”    — You did not like As?

“I know, I was just being polite. I would have refused his offer anyway!” she uttered softly as if she {sinned}. unclear meaning

Sky lifted her chin. Looking at this girl talking with a man gave him a strong sense of unease.
Her slender black eyes, small nose long fluttering eyelashes, her thick lips, her sexy curls...

His face was so close. His eyes near hers, his lips came next to her. She had a red blush on her cheeks looking at him {as a cute cat.} Meeting his gaze she closed her eyes, and they instinctively kissed.
No kissing cats romantically, sorry its evil... never again...

She seemed to have come to her senses and looked around {and} said: “Don’t! If reporter clicks a picture, it would be in headlines tomorrow. There would be a Huge Scandal!”  missing connector

In the industry, there would always be many women, who tried to associate themselves with him to gain publicity, but she was quite the opposite.
“It doesn’t feel like an issue {to me}. A Scandal, So It Is! I am interested in a girl for the first time and want to announce it to the {universe}” he blurted. - Useless information/passive voice- make it more dramatic

Lyna felt she was too drunk and was {hearing} things. Though she didn’t deny the magnetic attraction between them. Yet, they have only met twice. Odd word perhaps use imagining?

Looking at her still rushing out of the room “I said I am interested in you. Lets date.” Sky said holding her wrist.
{As it reads may be impossible} would change to… After looking at her rush out of the room, I grabbed her wrist and demanded to date her.

“Okay?” His calming voice made her unable to think like a lullaby, and she nodded {in joy}. - slight change but I feel it adds impact

Sky gave an affectionate laugh. Pulling her towards him, he kissed her. {This was a long and wet one.} — such odd wordage— it was deeply passionate and caused my heart to beat faster. Once our lips parted I slightly moaned in ecstasy.

{He opened his eyes which showed a possessive desire. He couldn’t afford to lose this person.}
 Show me, don't tell me the same case as above. 
 As, we parted he brought me back in lightly tapping my lips and said, “I won't ever let you escape from me.”

Will take down if requested. Again, im not a romanic writer, but you need to go deeper into those moments, its like eating a dry apple.

MiaoMiao11 huh? this?
https://www.webnovel.com/book/12392875206376705/33271216840178315/Rebellion/The-Note.

you talking about the one I did for hansora?

Clou_d

Honestly, it is not bad, one could argue you write better than most native speakers, you 100x better than my first draft =].

Below is a super quick, edit of your latest chapter, I honestly just glanced it at... its meant to show you some of what I was talking about. I would do the comment thing, but this is faster for me =], just compair side by side.

(contains edit) {I did very this quickly.} [Could change]

It was Leslie Hale who broke the silence in the hall and asked Zion “you have never left the city; you haven’t even seen the slums and the outer layers of the city. What makes you think you can survive outside the city alone.”
Zion frowned and thought, “This is not good if I can’t leave the city how could I contact the merchant alliance. Weapons and supplies must be secured and stored.”
“It is best for you to stay in the city; we are already wiping your ass for the troubles you have made in the city. (If you make trouble as you often do, we may not deal with it immediately.) A bad publicity is not we want, it’s not good for anyone.” His mother continued, “So, you can stay here in the city, after (all,) you had done here, we never stopped you from mingling with ‘your’ so-called friends.”
“It (will) be tough,” thought Zion and then he looked at his father. “Why are you looking at me, Zion? You heard your mother, right?” Nathan shamelessly lectured his son to not go outside the city.
“He is ()shameless”. He never thought his father had this much talent in the act of shamelessness. “He is stabbing his younger son in the back to please his wife.” Zion twitched his mouth trying to suppress the sudden urge to swear at his father.
“Don’t ()hide, my dear; I heard you gave permission for him to leave. Didn’t you think that this is something I should have known? You ()know it is not peaceful inside the city and with the strange things, happening here no one knows what happens next.” Leslie replied with a worried face.
(They filled Zion’s heart with guilt.)
He saw the reactions of his mother clearly. She was angry and worried at the thought of her son leaving for a fancy trip that may not be safe. After all, there are (many) people who want to harm her and her family. Everyone sitting here has faced kidnapping or assassination more than once in their life, if he is inside the city, he would be protected under their watchful eyes. After all, there is no need to take (an) unnecessary risk.
“How could I forget about that, even before the end, a lot of strange things was happening all over the world. Government and media try to cover up these incidents. Some settlements and coastal regions were slowly submerging under water, eruptions of volcanoes and glaciers in the northern mountain were called climate shift. (Even the accident in the central cities, nuclear power plant, as a technical fault.”)
Zion continued with his thought, “I should probably visit the northern mountain region. There was a rumor about a special ()tree, which bears a white fruit giving immense power to the one who ate it. Various merchant shops competed for that fruit, offering many valuables. Now he
regretted not taking these groups seriously. When Zion came to his senses, he had already wasted a lot of time and opportunities. The merchant shops may have already arrived at the planet. I should visit them, but with what reason”. Zion entered a deep thought contemplating about various factors related to the merchant alliance.
“Zion why you are not saying anything,” his mother said with a concerned voice after looking at her seemingly distressed the youngest son.
Zion awoke from his thought, looked at his mother, and told, “Nothing, I was just thinking about something. I believe I could manage traveling alone and it will definitely be a change from the routine”. Zion continued looking at his father, “I was also thinking of learning martial arts from your colleagues, father.”
“You are not thinking about joining the army, right? You should know that I won’t allow you that ‘Zion’”. Leslie continued in a serious tone, “military needs strict discipline and I don’t think you have it in you.”
Zion looked at his elder brother and said, “look, mother, you were OK with sending Logan to a military school and learning martial art does not mean you should be joining with military or special forces.”
“Why are you dragging me into your mess Zion,” with an annoyed expression Logan looked at Zion. It was like ‘you speak another word buddy and you are screwed’. However, Zion didn’t give any face to his elder brother and smiled mockingly like ‘look bro how I’m going to deal it’."
“Then why? If you want to learn from colleagues of your father that means you need the real skills. If you are not going for military or Special Forces, why do you need to waste your time?” Leslie was not willing to leave the subject.
At that time, Nathan interjected and said, “If he wants to learn let him be. After all, it will help him deal with something unexpected.”
Yes, mother, I believe I should take care of my body and if martial arts will also help me preserve my life at critical moments."
Leslie was silent now, after a brief moment she said, “you want to learn from them go, but don’t ever come back crying. You cannot make others think less of your father. That is all I have to say.”
Now Zion understood now why his mother was not willing to let him go to his father’s colleagues. He was embarrassed and sighed at the ‘low opinion’ his family had for him. Zion told his mother not to worry about it and he does know a few things. He even pledged that he won’t be joking around and causing trouble.
“Just remember Zion, you make trouble you can’t handle inside the club, you’ll be in a bed rest for quite sometimes” his mother reminded him.
“Mother I wish to have my own time this year. I know you want me to have my focus on the studies, but I wish to learn a few things on my own and understand what I wish to pursue.” Zion did not lie, after all, he was going to build a foundation for his career in the apocalypse and nothing is more important than that.
“Don’t try to push it, Zion. I already accepted a lot of your wishes” Leslie replied in a stern voice.
“It’s not like you don’t understand, mother. It is a complete waste of my time to go there”. Zion tried a soft approach.
His family (wrangled) around his decisions and fought each other until they reached a common ground to let Zion have his way for a year.
“Zion, if you mess around and wasted away this period. (You will work for me.) I can always let you learn new things. I’m sure you will appreciate it later.” His mother warned him and asked ‘so do we have a deal’?
“Yes, ‘we have’, mother,” Zion replied like he has no other option.
After the breakfast; everyone (left) the hall, then Nathan called out Zion and asked: “so when do you want to go to the club?”
The club was the place where Nathaniel and his comrades from the army gather. (They had a state-of-the-art gym.) They also teach recommended pupils, now Zion had the chance to be a part of that special group. He even forgot that Logan and Nora were already a member. In his previous generation, he never gave that place much importance until the reality hit him hard.
“In a week, I suppose”. Zion shrugged and left his old man to deal with the aftermath of their discussions.
Now it is time to have a heartfelt talk with that spirit.