MishaK
Fifteen days earlier…[Never a good idea to start with a flashback, readers want to follow the story as it unfolds. It’s like saying “Look, this happened but you are not at the real story yet!”]
It was only a couple of weeks into the marriage when Rohan took Sneha into the office to introduce her to his colleagues. Even though most of his male colleagues were looking her up and down, Rohan was bothered more about what Stella's reaction would be. Stella had been his girlfriend for the past five months. Oblivious to the dynamics of her husband and a woman she didn't know, Sneha enjoyed being the center of attention. [ALARM! ALARM! Inconsistent POV here! First is Rohan, then is Sneha. Never change the POV in the same chapter, or worse: in the same paragraph.]
Paritosh had a reputation for gossip, regularly listening in on other people's conversations, and he knew about Rohan and Stella and the conversations they had had in the past. [Boring backstory of a character. If it’s really important for the plot that Paritosh loves to gossip show it! How? Show him whispering to a colleague, show him peeping at a conversation while taking a piss at the toilet.]
Paritosh, a small pasty looking specimen of manhood [Horrible Third Person Omniscient Narrator, a judging one too. You should show how Paritosh act and let readers make their judgement.]
Stella was a good-looking girl with a milky white complexion; she was about 5' 2" [I died here! Would you describe your friend to someone who doesn't know her with “She’s 5’ 2’’ tall?” You’ll say “She is higher/shorter than me.” Right? How to show this thing in a description? With something along the lines of “She raised her sight to meet his eyes” Now we know she is shorter than this guy, or “She bent her back to enter the hobbit’s house” Now we know she is not a hobbit. It’s the basic Show, don’t tell.]
