Thanks for the review. Ima take some heart meds before I digest it.
Just a random thought of mine,
After reading through your first amendments , I thought that it would be pretty cool if I could hire you as an editor if I had the resources <--- blatant and bald recruitment.
Anyway. thanks for taking the time out to review my work and the apparent mercy shown.
Do you have a novel you are submitting to WN soon? I mean... just curious.
Apophis9 Thanks. I've read your synopsis. :) Here's mine.
Hi, all.
I posted my reviews. Do let me know if you wish it to be transferred to the forums instead.
My novel is https://www.webnovel.com/book/12605228506105705
If anyone wishes to further discuss their novels (always helpful to have an idea sound board for me), I can be contacted via discord. Jamison_C#8855
Let me know if anyone wishes to swap reviews. (GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT! MY BODY IS READY!)
Cheers!
Jamison_C I read some of your chaps and it looks like military fiction rather than fantasy. Thank for your review as for my story. My story is only its very beginning and I am not sure how many chapters will it take. I will try to update the review when you write more chapters. Good luck!
I wrote this for the “Writing Prompt Contest #44: Cultivation”, but I don’t have time so it ended right away. You can have a look at it.
A couple of cats watch me with a scornful look like I'm an intruder in their domain. They turn around and scramble up stairs, I lose sight of them in a moment. Only the stench of cat's piss remain.
I've lost count of how many cats I've seen today. They took control of the neighborhood. They were lying on the cars parked outside the post office, watching people from the trees next to the bus stop, and creeping between the black garbage bags outside the supermarket. When I got out with my shopping bag they looked at me again with that scornful look. Damn cats!
I climb the steps, the plastic bag rubs against the scratched wallpaper. Ling Xia live in an old building, with no lift. The stairs are narrow and I prefer to dirty my clothes brushing the wall than helping myself with the handrail: it wobbles.
I heave a sigh and climb the next ramp stair. I hope for Ling Xia to have disturbed me for something serious, otherwise I'm going to shove the baguette I bought for him up his ass.
Truth be told, he is missing from work at the post office for two weeks now. I'm a bit worried.
I grab the wobbling handrail and I give myself time to breathe, with a tissue I wipe myself from the sweat that soaks my neck and forehead. I unbutton my shirt and I resume climbing, fat rolls now bounce free at every step I take. I should have sent Ling Xia to hell the moment I discovered he lived on a fifth floor in a building without lift.
I reach the landing and I push the button to ring the bell of his flat. The door open and from the chink Ling Xia stares at me.
"You came".
The story is set in Paris (baguette), and follow the story of three people who discover they can cultivate thanks to certain things. A crazy cat lady has powers stroking cats, Ling Xia if he doesn’t wash himself, and our protagonist when he eat junk food.
They’ll fight for survival against an evil green energy corporation which want to use human cultivators as clean energy (literally plugging them to a machine and consume their flesh and bones). Everything for saving the whales!
Now, reading my short story, could you tell the body type of my protagonist?
luoshenhua
I didn't find any major fault in your work. Only, the starting description is a bit static. Your heroine sat for the entire time without moving a finger, descriptions are much more vivid when in movement.
LividEdge
Utter garbage.
Why don't you try this exercise? Shift the focus from the start on your protagonist and write the story from his First Person POV. Start with him doing his job as a waiter at the bar.
I'll give you the first phrase:
I take the empty beer glasses from the table and put them of the tray I hold between my hip and my right arm. I raise the ashtray, nothing below. No tip for the waiter. Stingy bastards.
(Hint #1: the stingy bastards are the three thugs who later will confront the blue haired guy.)
(Hint #2: We are in a cyberpunk setting, so why don't show something cyberpunk? Maybe the three thugs have neon tattoos?)
The protagonist gives off an impression of being a fat and lazy person.
The imagery comes across quite clearly. So too does the atmosphere of the world.
Mc does create some emotional resonance with his thoughts. Appears very relatable with his motivations and actions.
The ending does make me ask "What's next?"
Yes, the point is I showed the protagonist is fat, I didn't tell he is fat.
It's a technique every wannabe author should employ.
Hahaha , noted. Thanks for the heads up.
ValentinaKhan Do you care developping your thoughts?
Because except telling me to write in a First Person POV you didn't explain what was bad or good. Maybe you could show me how to better my Third Person narrator writing skills by rephrasing some of my paraphrases if you don't mind.
Please do better develop what you want me to understand!
That night every single inhabitant of the slums in New Casablanca heard [...] was going to make his way home. [327 words of infodump, do you know what infodump is? From Wiktionary: A long section in a work of fiction that reveals often tedious or dull expository information through the voice of the narrator.]
He was still frowning, his stomach was nauseous from all the trash he had to take out and his fragile and frail frame [Show me he is fragile and frail. How? Describe how his skin is stretched on his body, how he can feel clearly the bones of his rib cage while patting his chest to help himself to breathe.] was slowly [Some adverbs are often useless. Adverbs are often useless. Adverbs are useless. See? Describe someone who is advancing slowly.] seen advancing through the dark street.
His slow and tired steps always avoiding the waste in the ground. [Again, show and avoid adverbs.] Unfocused, he didn't even take a look at the endless sea of tags and graffitis spreading across the dam of steel that formed the street. [Nothing better to give a cyberpunk vibe, graffiti apart?]
Here an image of a cyberpunk alley:
'They're acting again like it's their fiefdom.'', sighed a middle-aged man [Fantastic! A middle-aged man popped out of nowhere and never to be seen again, didn’t you describe the slums as a quite empty space devoid of people while at night? The hell this grandpa is doing out late? Walking the dog?], his eyes looking way too calm in front of this seemingly normal scene.
ValentinaKhan Much better, now i see your points. Basically i need to focus more on showing the story, helping the readers visualize the universe.
As for the starting point, i did explain that the slums weren't exactly new constructs which might have caused me to lessen details in the first chapters.
I'll try to focus more on those aspects of writing during the course of my story.
Do you know some learning material that could help me better my writing?
Thanks for the insights!
Word Painting: A Guide to Writing More Descriptively
by Rebecca McClanahan
Characters & Viewpoint
by Orson Scott Card
There are many others, but these two are a good start.
ValentinaKhan Hi,
Would appreciate if you could review my work.
Hi everyone, I am so thankful for such a forum to be put up! I really need some reviews on the book I am currently writing, we can do a review swap! Thank you so much!
Title: The Assassin & The Alpha
Link: https://dynamic.webnovel.com/book/12410553205405605
Synopsis:
Emily is a trained assassin, her family have been killed when she was young and she was being brought up by the Chessity family, given a mission by her 'father' she had no choice but to accept and complete the mission but, what happens when the mission she is given is mouth-watering hot and can easily out smart her? She had no idea what awaits her!
Alvin, the next alpha in line, he is smart and charming, the type of guy all girls want and he knows it. He always gets what he wants and he is possessive but what happens when someone actually says no to him? Does he know what's installed for him? Why don't you read to find out?
I would love it if you could give my novel a read and help me by telling me what you think I should work on.
The name of my novel is Dogs of War.
here's the link Dogs of War
SYNOPSIS:
"Come and find me when you have the strength to kill me. BROTHER" these words resounded in his head.
The scene of death engraved in his memory. The feeling of despair is clinging on to him and the pain attached to his heart.
Three years had passed since then, his country that he protected was no more, the people that he once called family are being hunted and killed.
Betrayed by the ones he used to love, he has no choice but to get stronger to protect the ones he loves and to restore his forgotten country and win a war full of death and gore.
It is a really really new novel, with four chapters, so I do not expect a review but a comment about what I should work on would really help. The current upload speed is 1ch/day.
Fifteen days earlier…[Never a good idea to start with a flashback, readers want to follow the story as it unfolds. It’s like saying “Look, this happened but you are not at the real story yet!”]
It was only a couple of weeks into the marriage when Rohan took Sneha into the office to introduce her to his colleagues. Even though most of his male colleagues were looking her up and down, Rohan was bothered more about what Stella's reaction would be. Stella had been his girlfriend for the past five months. Oblivious to the dynamics of her husband and a woman she didn't know, Sneha enjoyed being the center of attention. [ALARM! ALARM! Inconsistent POV here! First is Rohan, then is Sneha. Never change the POV in the same chapter, or worse: in the same paragraph.]
Paritosh had a reputation for gossip, regularly listening in on other people's conversations, and he knew about Rohan and Stella and the conversations they had had in the past. [Boring backstory of a character. If it’s really important for the plot that Paritosh loves to gossip show it! How? Show him whispering to a colleague, show him peeping at a conversation while taking a piss at the toilet.]
Paritosh, a small pasty looking specimen of manhood [Horrible Third Person Omniscient Narrator, a judging one too. You should show how Paritosh act and let readers make their judgement.]
Stella was a good-looking girl with a milky white complexion; she was about 5' 2" [I died here! Would you describe your friend to someone who doesn't know her with “She’s 5’ 2’’ tall?” You’ll say “She is higher/shorter than me.” Right? How to show this thing in a description? With something along the lines of “She raised her sight to meet his eyes” Now we know she is shorter than this guy, or “She bent her back to enter the hobbit’s house” Now we know she is not a hobbit. It’s the basic Show, don’t tell.]
ValentinaKhan interesting:)
Anything positive?
