ArcaneDragon
Hi ArcaneDragon!
I did a review for you.
I think maybe review / study grammar rules and break long paragraphs apart? (i.e. last paragraph of ch3)
Also render the transition between scene to scene? Like what happened between MC's mother's death and MC becoming a beggar?
The basic setting is flawless. Development is also good. Hope this helps! Keep up the good work!

      Happy New Year!

      I joined roughly two weeks ago and I just found out about this thread. I'm not confident about my writing so I'd be grateful for constructive input. Certainly, I'd return the favor (though it might not be that helpful...). So far, there're three chapters out. It's typical (?) modern romance story.

      Virtually and Genuinely in Love with You

      alernatetext

      Synopsis

      Verlene is a lurker in an online community for artists. She loves to stalk popular artists for inspiration and drowns herself in a loop of depressing songs when desperate for melancholy sparks. Occasionally, she browses NKD for new songs and live streams.

      A small preview of black screen with bolded words in white read: FIRST STREAM caught her attention. The amount of viewers did not even reach 30 when she entered the room.

      A certain streamer: "Thank you all for coming! I'm actually quite nervous about this…"

      Verlene (ID: Kiku): This voice is so misleading… Let's ask in the comment box! "Uh… boy or girl?!"

      A certain streamer: "How rude, Kiku-san! I am a MAN!"

      Verlene (ID: Kiku): …Yeah, right. As if.

      Many years later:

      Hibiki: Am I not manly enough for you?

      Verlene: Well… Whenever you sing in high-pitched voice, it can't be helped…

      Hibiki: … Fine! Let's take this to the bed!

      Verlene: ….!!!!

      -----++-----++-----

      Thank you!

        ASlyDrake The story has some potential. I am concerned about the real life of MC. Cliche death and the second chance. I hope it will be not only transitioning from the event in game to another. It's my personal opinion so you don't need to follow it. I don't see any errors, you need someone with a higher level of comprehension to check this out. The story is at the beginning too, so it's little hard to say what's right and what's wrong. I will try to update the review after you release more chapters and I hope you won't drop the novel after this contest. Many novels are suffering from fate, being made only for conquest and dropped.

            LividEdge I checked your story and it really needs good editing. (If I see the grammar chaos then it must be real!) Another concern is that you are writing it for the contest and I am afraid you will drop it right after it. Feel free to check my novel!

                Asteralles I wanted to write a good review but I read these 3 chapters and I have no opinion about this novel. It's too early to make judgments about the story. I am not the best person to judge writing quality and style. I am sure, there will be some senior writer to help you! Good luck! You can check out my novel but I don't force anyone. Reading and writing is freedom!

                    luoshenhua Thanks, pacing was one of the things I was actually worried about. I'm sure it's not perfect, but it's nice to hear something positive, as I always feel like I'm being long-winded about some parts and not descriptive enough about others. I dropped a review as well.

                    What I'd point out for you to fix:
                    1. You have a tendency of repeating the same word multiple times, try to rework your chapters to avoid that, as it can turn away a lot of readers. Look at it as an opportunity - this forces you to try out new words and sentence structures.
                    2. I would get rid of more than half of the auxiliary chapters, as they are and will ruin the story for a lot of people. Readers don't need a crutch like this, even if you added the chapters for the Phenomenal competition, I'd say it's best to just merge everything and try to spoil as little as possible.
                    3. Meld all of the auxiliary chapters, as they give the false impression of more released chapters than you actually have. That can be a reason for people not picking up your story, because they feel cheated.

                        @ASlyDrake Thank you for your review. I am working on improving quality. It's not easy as I have a very limited vocabulary and my grammar isn't good. My intention is to write and improve the story with time and come back to previous chapters and edit them. I know it's pretty unfair for readers that will read this story now and these that will read it after improvement. There will be no improvement if I stop writing because I will focus on other things like university and my personal life. Thank you very much :) I hope someday you will come back to my story and enjoy reading it.

                          ArcaneDragon Thank you for the review, I have given you one in return.

                          As far as my book:
                          What would you regard as a non-cliche way of dying in this subgenre? The VRMMORPG books that I have read mostly do one of these:
                          1. MC gets killed off by former friend and/or sworn.
                          2. MC suddenly wakes up in his past.

                          I might have missed something, but since I know these two as the standard method of dying, I chose to go for a slightly different way. As far as the second chance thing, yes he does get it, but as you can see, there are still differences as he can only live for himself, unlike characters in other books that either live for revenge or for their family, or both. I'd love to hear more from you about this, as your point of view could be very helpful :)

                          As far as 'transitioning from the event in game to another', I'm not exactly sure what you mean, same goes for 'concerned about the real life of MC'. Try to elaborate on these.

                          There are probably mistakes here and there, and I'd stake my life that I messed up a comma a few times, but hopefully it's good enough.

                          I don't have any plans of dropping this story, but it does depend on interest. If it makes you feel better - this novel currently has more people following it and reading each chapter than my previous story, which had a lot more chapters to garner attention.

                          As far as your novel:
                          You seem to know your weaknesses - grammar and punctuation are your main enemies. I'd suggest finding an editor, as well as putting in the time to better your English. I'd look around Reddit, as you can always find useful stuff for language learning there. If you put in half an hour a day into studying English, you will improve at frightening speeds, trust me.

                          Besides that, I'd say your work needs to be more descriptive and I'd love more detail on the characters, their clothes and surroundings, the world in general. It's important for some things to be 'shallow', and others to be 'deep' if you know what I mean :)

                          Edit: For vocabulary, I highly recommend using Anki to create your own 'decks' and using it daily. It has helped me remember a lot of words and information in the past and is overall a great tool if you put in the time to make it work for your needs. As far as editing previous chapters, be aware that old readers will never see them, unless they clear their cache (option is in Settings) or even reinstall the app altogether.

                              @SimmeringHours & @Hyowha - Would you two be interested in trading reviews? I've found your constructive criticism to be very thorough, which is something I'd like to exchange with both of you :)

                                ASlyDrake
                                I meant that it's cliche because it's one of the typical deaths of neet MC. I won't talk about Japanese novels when lame deaths of mc are normal. I can't give many examples but I read novel when FL died from heart attack and came back to the past. When I remember the name I will send this to you.
                                "concerned about the real life of MC"
                                I know in VRMMORPG genre gaming, as you said he is living for himself. So what is his ambition? I read many novels and in most of the MC has some background in real life too. I hope to see some action in real life. What's the point of becoming king in the game? Obviously to become rich in real life. I might misunderstand your story and I thought he will be nerd playing game and eating and then playing the game again.:D
                                I might come with these concerns too early because your story is at the beginning too. I will edit my review later if I am wrong to not mislead people haha!

                                    AkaGin I read the all current chapters and I felt like watching anime about school life. This is obviously not my kind of story hahaha. There might be some development of some kind of action in the future but the premise of Real fiction really kill my hope hahaha. You can leave a review of my story if you want.

                                        ArcaneDragon Thank you very much for the review!
                                        The plot of my story flows with the speed of a turtle, this I know. I'm trying to change my style. I used to write romance fanfic for a certain fandom and I developed a tendency to write things in details so readers don't feel like they're reading but watching scenes unfolding in front of them instead (this was what my readers told me in reviews). Hopefully I could adjust to webnovel style soon...

                                        I also left a review on your story. I apologize if I sounded too harsh >.<"

                                            Asteralles Thank you for your review. I should limit using time skips like "a few hours later" and so on. I tried to use online corrector to help me with punctuation and grammar. The free version of algorithms cannot replace a human editor. It's better to receive one harsh critique that will help you improve than live in a lie. I am trying to improve my writing and grammar. (Funny who am I lying too? saying word trying is like not doing anything. Although I am editing it, yet not researching any grammar rules and so on.)

                                            O{}O
                                            The slow-paced stories are ok too. You need release more chapters or you will leave readers for a long time in the middle of one event. Cliffhangers and so on. What's most important is to actually feel good about things that you do. If you make yourself write stories that are for a certain group of readers but you won't be satisfied by writing it. What's the point?
                                            Good luck :) I hope you will find your way. Follow your heart hahaha! Typical lane of romance fiction I think!

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